Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we are in a relationship?

440 replies

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:20

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

OP posts:
LogFireBurning · 24/02/2026 08:03

In essence, there is nothing wrong with the relationship you do have with him if you are genuinely happy with it.

There's a coldness and an emotional distance in the way you talk about it/him but it's hard to tell on here whether that is genuine or just because you're being pragmatic!

It is obviously a relationship of sorts because you have a relationship with everyone you engage with and talk to from friends, family and colleagues to the person you chat to evert day at the bus stop whose name you don't know! But it's not a relationship in the sense that people generally mean when talking about an exclusive intimate partner because he says it isn't. He doesn't see it as one for whatever reason.

I suppose a relationship in that sense includes intention. And if he doesn't see it that way, the intent isn't there. The same as it wasn't for me when I had a close fwb.

I sense that you're asking because you're questioning what the actual difference is rather than because you're necessarily trying to convince yourself it is.

But I would still say it isn't a relationship in the way most people would mean or want because hebis clear about not wanting to be in a relationship. Tbh, I think a lot of women/people are in 'relationships' like this, they just don't realise it.

Wordsmithery · 24/02/2026 08:34

Maybe he's scared that putting a label on what you have will spoil things somehow.
If you're both happy - which you are - then it doesn't matter what you call it.
It sounds like you have a wonderful connection which you both feel. Ignore the nasty posts on here. Maybe people are jealous that you have something so good.

inkognitha · 24/02/2026 09:07

Trying to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t do relationships is a recipe for disaster.

Either a situation will arise where he needs to step up and he won’t, or someone else will turn his head at some point (and if she’s smart, she could get the official and personal commitment you have been waiting for all these years). Can take a week or 25 years but it will happen.

That’s what they do. You have already pretzeled yourself away a lot to consider this acceptable, don’t do it further.

It seems it has gone rather well between you but it is leading nowhere, don’t think you ll grow old with this man. Don’t waste your 40s and the rest of your life on him.

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 24/02/2026 09:15

Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:51

He does.

Show quote history

Then he’s clearly just an immature twat

GottaBeStrong · 24/02/2026 09:20

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:01

I don’t know. I think he's got some sort of strange issue with the word. He’s happy to be faithful, to speak several times a day, see each other often, support me, obviously thinks about me frequently and buys me gifts he thinks I’d like, books holidays, confides in me. But he seems to have a strange issue with the word relationship. In moments of armchair psychologist moments I wonder if it is to do with his childhood.

Show quote history

He is a commitment-phobe.

I ended up in a situationship with one someone who had this issue. We were together for a short time before I realised he had a fear of 100% commiting. As it was never going to become committed due to his issues, we mutually ended it.

I do believe if someone is 100% 'into you', they will want to make the commitment of formally being in a relationship with you and openly integrating you into all aspects of their life with that title (girlfriend or partner). This is one of the ways that they know you will not be taken away from them by someone else in the future. So if they see you as a lifelong partner, they would and should make that commitment properly.

The bar/standards thing someone else commented IMO relates to our own values. Personally, if I am offering a person all the things you say that you're offering this man, I would want 100% commitment to an acknowledged romantic/intimate relationship and the title of either girlfriend or partner. To me it shows intention and a level of respect, which I think I deserve.

I personally do not believe that it feels good to be stuck in limbo waiting for this other person to make their mind up and commit. It gives them a certain power.

This man has had ample time to make a decision over how he feels about you. You deserve someone who concretely knows that you are the one and only person for them. He should understand and know that you deserve to be in a fully acknowledged committed relationship and given a title that indicates such to society.

Ponoka7 · 24/02/2026 11:48

Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:51

He does.

Show quote history

Further from what I'd written, you don't see each other as someone to give spare keys to, in the case of emergencies etc. Are you each other's NOK? You are in a relationship, but it sounds as though he might not want to label it, because the next stage is a partnership. You don't have to live together to be in a partnership, but you are a lot younger than me, so might never want that anyway. I still say you've no need to worry and stick with what suits you and what makes you happy. Anyone can leave without an explanation, you see that daily on here. I don't see anymore long term husbands sticking around when their wife becomes ill, than in couples who have been dating for a few years. I met my now DP at 51. I see lots of couples getting together over 45. All these 'safefails' of needing marriage/commitment before you're 35 was to trap women. They don't exsist, as many women devastatingly find out, after being walked out on after 30 years of marriage.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/02/2026 17:42

@Beingabout

Serious question; Do you believe a person can be in a relationship with someone who is not in a relationship with them?

I mean, you can't be engaged if both parties don't acknowledge it. You certainly can't be married if both don't acknowledge it. Shoot, you can't even 'go steady' or 'be exclusive' if both don't acknowledge it. Something can have all the hallmarks of a relationship, but if both parties don't acknowledge or think of it as such, then it simply isn't a relationship.

I'm not saying what you have isn't fulfilling or worthwhile. It sounds to me as if you have a really great set up. But it's not truly a relationship unless you both say it is.

Tink3rbell30 · 24/02/2026 17:49

No not in a relationship. He's using you as an easy option.

Original poster
Beingabout · 24/02/2026 23:59

Franjipanl8r · 24/02/2026 01:05

If you’re happy then great, but it sounds like you’ve just never met someone who’s madly in love with you and that’s a shame. Good loving relationships aren’t off and on, they aren’t complex and don’t need explaining like this.

I have had ‘madly in love’ relationships. They are dramatic and painful (or at least they were for me). This has been a slow and quiet love. Not on and off due to arguments (I could count on one hand how many times we’ve ever argued), but because of career opportunities and me meeting other men and going for it because he didn’t want a relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:00

Wherethebirdflies · 24/02/2026 01:52

did yous celebrate Valentine’s Day together?

We did, and exchanged small gifts, but I can’t say I’m particularly bothered about Valentine’s Day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:02

canklesmctacotits · 24/02/2026 02:27

You're not in what HE calls a relationship. You are in what YOU call a relationship. The fact you don’t see eye to eye on this kind of says it all.

From what you’ve said, yes it’s entirely possible that his childhood might contain answers to why he doesn’t think he’s in a relationship with you and won’t even talk about this properly with you. But the likelihood is that it’s much more mundane than that: what you have works absolutely well enough for him for the two of you to keep chugging along as you are. Possible for years and decades. You see it all the time. BUT, if someone else comes along with whom he thinks he can have what HE considers to be a relationship, you won’t see him for dust. You’d be the one before The One, and it will be unfathomable to you what he has with her that he didn’t have with you. You see this all the time, too. That missing thing is why you have to ask him if he’s in a relationship with him, and him fudging the answers is because he himself doesn’t know what’s missing or he does but he doesn’t want to say. It’s probably something to do with his mum 🙄

You also seem quite detached from him in a way that screams not wanting to get hurt, and stopping yourself from falling into commitment to him. Nothing to do with children or your separate houses - I think it’s the willingness to go along with someone else setting your agenda for you when you don’t even know what sort of relationship you have or what he thinks about you. You’d take this man into account if you were offered a job abroad…but he doesn’t even think he’s in a relationship with you, meaning he could say “oh you don’t have to worry about me, go! Sure I’d miss you but you must put you first!”. If you’re fine with that, that’s very weird and actually a bit sad.

There are several stretches of imagination here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:04

PolkaDotShooter · 24/02/2026 05:36

I would say a real relationship would be being able to ask a question and having it answered.

Not somene stonewalling you when you ask a normal reasonable question, that is incredibly rude and dismissive, do you not think so ? how does that make you feel when he just ignors you and pretends he hasn't heard ? It's very odd.

To admit a relationship, is to admit love.

He knows you want him to say you are in a relationship and to deny you this or even an answer tells you he does not care about your feelings.

You are trying to deny this to yourself.

If someone who I thought so very much about and thought they did the same, would not dare speak the word I would be mortally offended and send them on their way, you are making excuses for this man and deluding yourself about something.

Why have you not said, if you can't say it then f... off, most people would, you are in the minority for putting up with this.

Tell him to say it or go, that will tell you how much he is commited and how much he loves you.

I should imagine there are other factors involved here that are unknown.

Well I’m definitely not mortally offended.

I don’t want to tell him to go because, other than him not vocalising that we’re in a relationship, everything else is great.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:05

LogFireBurning · 24/02/2026 07:51

I can answer that from my perspective.

I wasn't in love with him.

He made me properly belly laugh, we'd sit up all night talking, went on holidays together, had great sex, we'd debate and discuss stuff, we had private in jokes, we spent as much time together as we could. But I loved him as a best friend and not a romantic partner.

It was just different. We knew we loved each other but I wouldn't have called it a relationship. There was just something there (or not there) that prevented it from becoming more. It was almost intangible because, in every other respect, we looked like we were in a romantic relationship but it just felt like a boundary that would never be crossed in the relationship that we did have.

I would never have wanted to live with him. I had two children anyway but I wouldn't have wanted childen with him.

I suppose I just didn't want that level of commitment with him. I didn't want to tie myself to him in any way that was binding. I always regarded myself as single even though I wasn't actively pursuing anyone else.

But I couldn't tell you what it was about him that made me feel like that. There was nothing 'wrong' with him. I just didn't want to be in a relationship with him. It met all of relationship needs, it just wasn't one.

It's not a flaw or a failing in me either. I've now been in a relationship with someone for 5 years and we are engaged.

Show quote history

I personally only shag romantic partners.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:08

Stuckincircles · 24/02/2026 08:00

But you haven't! You haven't broached it AND had a satisfactory resolution and you haven't had him on the ropes to justify why he's holding out on someone he says he loves. He fudges or goes quiet. Him saying "I don't know why I'm like this" feebly, and then stopping is not a whole conversation. It is the first line of the conversation! You then go - well we need to get into this, so do you love me? Yes he says. So what are you going to do about your emotional barrier as it's a problem for me, it stops me feeling really secure and entirely happy with you. Do you care about how I feel? yes? Maybe some counselling? No? Ok If you don't want to work on yourself what other reassurance can you give me that this relationship is emotionally important and meaningful for you?
etc etc etc etc

If he was saying "I have all these issues probably relating to x and y that happened, I'm just not emotionally able to unpack it all - I'm so sorry darling it must be hard for you to live with. You know I love you and I want to be with you and I say so every day - can you possibly put up with this weird quirk in our lives together?" That's literally the only thing I would accept and even then I would start to be resentful that he was holding us back emotionally.

Show quote history

He’s someone I love and care about, not a boxing opponent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:09

LogFireBurning · 24/02/2026 08:03

In essence, there is nothing wrong with the relationship you do have with him if you are genuinely happy with it.

There's a coldness and an emotional distance in the way you talk about it/him but it's hard to tell on here whether that is genuine or just because you're being pragmatic!

It is obviously a relationship of sorts because you have a relationship with everyone you engage with and talk to from friends, family and colleagues to the person you chat to evert day at the bus stop whose name you don't know! But it's not a relationship in the sense that people generally mean when talking about an exclusive intimate partner because he says it isn't. He doesn't see it as one for whatever reason.

I suppose a relationship in that sense includes intention. And if he doesn't see it that way, the intent isn't there. The same as it wasn't for me when I had a close fwb.

I sense that you're asking because you're questioning what the actual difference is rather than because you're necessarily trying to convince yourself it is.

But I would still say it isn't a relationship in the way most people would mean or want because hebis clear about not wanting to be in a relationship. Tbh, I think a lot of women/people are in 'relationships' like this, they just don't realise it.

Yes, thank you - what you sense was literally my question.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:11

inkognitha · 24/02/2026 09:07

Trying to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t do relationships is a recipe for disaster.

Either a situation will arise where he needs to step up and he won’t, or someone else will turn his head at some point (and if she’s smart, she could get the official and personal commitment you have been waiting for all these years). Can take a week or 25 years but it will happen.

That’s what they do. You have already pretzeled yourself away a lot to consider this acceptable, don’t do it further.

It seems it has gone rather well between you but it is leading nowhere, don’t think you ll grow old with this man. Don’t waste your 40s and the rest of your life on him.

If she’s smart? What would make it smart?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:12

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 24/02/2026 09:15

Then he’s clearly just an immature twat

Show quote history

No, he’s not. No idea why you’d call him a twat when you neither know him and nor have I suggested he's anything of the sort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:13

GottaBeStrong · 24/02/2026 09:20

He is a commitment-phobe.

I ended up in a situationship with one someone who had this issue. We were together for a short time before I realised he had a fear of 100% commiting. As it was never going to become committed due to his issues, we mutually ended it.

I do believe if someone is 100% 'into you', they will want to make the commitment of formally being in a relationship with you and openly integrating you into all aspects of their life with that title (girlfriend or partner). This is one of the ways that they know you will not be taken away from them by someone else in the future. So if they see you as a lifelong partner, they would and should make that commitment properly.

The bar/standards thing someone else commented IMO relates to our own values. Personally, if I am offering a person all the things you say that you're offering this man, I would want 100% commitment to an acknowledged romantic/intimate relationship and the title of either girlfriend or partner. To me it shows intention and a level of respect, which I think I deserve.

I personally do not believe that it feels good to be stuck in limbo waiting for this other person to make their mind up and commit. It gives them a certain power.

This man has had ample time to make a decision over how he feels about you. You deserve someone who concretely knows that you are the one and only person for them. He should understand and know that you deserve to be in a fully acknowledged committed relationship and given a title that indicates such to society.

Show quote history

Thry cannot know you won’t be ‘taken away’ by anyone else in the future. That is your decision entirely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:18

Ponoka7 · 24/02/2026 11:48

Further from what I'd written, you don't see each other as someone to give spare keys to, in the case of emergencies etc. Are you each other's NOK? You are in a relationship, but it sounds as though he might not want to label it, because the next stage is a partnership. You don't have to live together to be in a partnership, but you are a lot younger than me, so might never want that anyway. I still say you've no need to worry and stick with what suits you and what makes you happy. Anyone can leave without an explanation, you see that daily on here. I don't see anymore long term husbands sticking around when their wife becomes ill, than in couples who have been dating for a few years. I met my now DP at 51. I see lots of couples getting together over 45. All these 'safefails' of needing marriage/commitment before you're 35 was to trap women. They don't exsist, as many women devastatingly find out, after being walked out on after 30 years of marriage.

Show quote history

No one has got a spare key to my house. I keep meaning to get them cut, but I haven’t. I would have no opposition to keeping one at his house.

He’s not my next of kin. My sister is, and her daughters are the beneficiaries of my estate. Her partner and father of her children is not her next of kin, I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:20

AcrossthePond55 · 24/02/2026 17:42

@Beingabout

Serious question; Do you believe a person can be in a relationship with someone who is not in a relationship with them?

I mean, you can't be engaged if both parties don't acknowledge it. You certainly can't be married if both don't acknowledge it. Shoot, you can't even 'go steady' or 'be exclusive' if both don't acknowledge it. Something can have all the hallmarks of a relationship, but if both parties don't acknowledge or think of it as such, then it simply isn't a relationship.

I'm not saying what you have isn't fulfilling or worthwhile. It sounds to me as if you have a really great set up. But it's not truly a relationship unless you both say it is.

Very clearly I was asking how what we are doing is different to a relationship.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 25/02/2026 00:35

Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:20

Very clearly I was asking how what we are doing is different to a relationship.

Show quote history

What is 'different' is that he doesn't consider it a relationship. Considering it a relationship is what makes a relationship a relationship. So even if you're doing all the 'relationship things' that doesn't make it a relationship. I guess the most you could say is "We have something like a relationship"

It's kinda like if you were to put a ring on and say "We are married". You could have all the 'trappings' of marriage, but that doesn't make it 'a marriage'.

GottaBeStrong · 25/02/2026 00:58

Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:13

Thry cannot know you won’t be ‘taken away’ by anyone else in the future. That is your decision entirely.

Show quote history

It may be your decision; however, if you met someone else who you were attracted to and was exactly like this man but who was prepared to fully commit so that you didn't need to come on mumsnet to ask this question.... would there be no temptation?

Most people acknowledge their commitment to the person they want to spend the majority of their life and time with because rightly or wrongly it is part of how our society functions. On that note, why do you feel the need to refer to him as your boyfriend if it doesn't matter or mean anything? Why not just call him your friend?

PussInBin20 · 25/02/2026 01:31

Well maybe he doesn’t see it as a relationship as you don’t have a shared life/are not committed to each other in any way.

You don’t live together and live quite separate lives and are just seeing each other.

Most people I would say, see each other then when they love each other, work towards a more shared life together.

Stuckincircles · 25/02/2026 07:25

Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:08

He’s someone I love and care about, not a boxing opponent.

Show quote history

Ah yeah, you don't know how to communicate well so he suits you.

Stuckincircles · 25/02/2026 07:27

Beingabout · 25/02/2026 00:11

If she’s smart? What would make it smart?

Show quote history

communicating well and ensuring he knows that he would lose her if he doesn't manage himself better!