To think we are in a relationship?

[Beingabout]

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

He’s telling you you’re not in a relationship. No one can tell you differently. We don’t know him or you. I think you need to have a direct and honest conversation with him. If he tells you you’re not then get out. This man knows how you feel. You call him your boyfriend etc and so he knows your feelings are possible stronger than his & he’s playing with them. If he is serious then he’s being cruel by not giving you validation on your feelings & if he isn’t he’s stringing you along for his own selfish reasons, either way his behaviour is not ok especially from a man heading towards his 40’s. He sounds like a man child

Some men can act very differently depending on the woman they are with, a smart woman would not accept this state of things and would have addressed his avoidance when her influence was the strongest, also, you are doing the legwork for your successor, showing him all the good sides of a relationship, explaining it why it matters etc. Maybe you ll convince him, but you ll wear him out and he ll go try it with a new model.

It is starting to eat you up after x years despite pulling a solid lid on it considering your replies, it won’t get better. Don’t spend another 10y on him, because either he ll have left or you ll be at the same place, with him but deeply dissatisfied, frustrated and insecure.

Sorry OP

Not to be blunt but you’ve known him in the region of 20 years and don’t know if you’re in a relationship or not. People are judging by what you’ve written. Either way to have him actively say you’re not in a relationship is to be cruel. It’s reasonable for people to come to the conclusion that hes stringing you along because even you’re confused

Maybe but your thread isn't about how you see the relationship is it? It's about how he sees it.

He could feel exactly the same way about you as I felt about my fwb 🤷🏻‍♀️

And given that he keeps telling you it isn't a relationship, he doesn't want a relationship and doesn't really engage in conversations about it...

Well, what you are 'doing' might not look very different at all.

But it's the feelings and intent behind it that count. It's not a relationship because he keeps telling you that it isn't.

This is a good way of putting it.

I have a couple of friends who've been 'married' for 30+ years.

Except they're not. They tell everyone they're married, they behave as though they are married. He has taken her name and all the children have that last name.

But, legally, they are not married and their relationship has none of the legal standing or protection a marriage would have.

It looks like a marriage but it isn't.

On a day to day level that doesn't matter and maybe it never will. That's not the point of my comment. The point is that it has all the hallmarks of a marriage but it isn't actually a marriage. Because they're not married.

What you’re doing that’s different to a relationship is that usually in a relationship, both people agree they are in a relationship. However in your case, one of you doesn’t agree you’re in a relationship.

That’s what it boils down to really I think? It feels like you don’t want to accept any answers as valid but surely that one is?

My take on this is that it's really easy to end a non-cohabiting, no kids, no mortgage, no marriage relationship where you are just boyfriend and girlfriend (or partners if you prefer that word.)

Personally I couldn't bear to be with a guy who didn't like me enough to commit to at least being a girlfriend OR so freaking pathetic that he wouldn't commit to something that, let's face it, can be practically ended in 5 minutes. Teenagers manage it all the time.

It would indicate that he was a coward who couldn't bear the slightest stress.

He's either not that into you or a complete wet lettuce.

You are in an unconventional relationship. My uncle had a similar arrangement: a life long “companion” who he adored but they didn’t live together, never had children and never married. They were happy.

Sometimes there are threads where the OP asks 'aibu?' and 95% think that indeed they are being unreasonable. The OP argues that she/he is right and everybody else is wrong and on it goes for pages.

Then someone comes along and posts
something that is taking the OP's 'side' but instead has the effect of a bucket of cold water to the OP's head that makes them realise that they are indeed being unreasonable.

This here is that post. 😁

(I mean no offence at all but very few people want to be 'companions'. Especially if young-ish.)

I think his lack of labels and public recognition are signs OP

All you have posted here shows you are confused. He has freedom from it (whatever it is) and you don’t.

I think you are naive to think this is an equal relationship, it’s obviously not enough for you.

I'm wondering, OP why you left him for another man if you're happy with things the way they are?

If he is saying you aren't in a relationship, you aren't. No matter how much you feel that you are acting like you are.

Whether that matters to you, is up to you. It might not bother you, for all the reasons you mention, but the fact it doesn't bother you doesn't mean it's a relationship.

Personally I would be most concerned about why he wouldn't want to commit to being in a relationship with you (as it seems to be what you want given you are calling him your bf and arguing you are in a relationship) but if that doesn't bother you I guess you are free to carry on as you are. I do wonder though why you are so insistent on calling this a relationship (despite his stance) if you aren't bothered.

I have had many men over the years who were prepared to commit, including the one I mentioned in the OP. I have always ended up unhappy, for various reasons, and really just want to get back to him.

This mythical smart woman would be alright to have things exactly as they are, but with him calling it a relationship? Is that the bar between smart and stupid, just to be sure?

I think there is a huge amount of projection going on in a lot of the replies.

You identify as being in a relationship.

One of the key determining factors is mutual agreement that you are in a relationship.

You wish you were, feel like you are, tell yourself you are but it's not possible to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be.

I agree. That is all it boils down to. There is no difference except the title. Thank you for actually engaging with the question.

The vote isn’t 95%. I couldn’t care less about being called a companion.

What freedoms does he have that I don’t?

I think he has the freedom that as he states he’s not in a relationship he can (I’m assuming) behave as a single man.

Because when I left him things were not as they are. At the time we’d been back in touch for a year or so, we’d seen each other casually now and then and there was no suggestion of being exclusive. I met someone who asked me out, so I went, and it went well and we agreed to be in a relationship and so I told this man that was it.

It didn’t last long. It’s been very different since I went back.

So he’s changed since you’ve been back?

There is a massive difference, particularly in attitude. But clearly you don't want to hear that.

Behave as a single man how? If you mean sleeping with other women, then we are exclusive.

So I’m still not sure what freedom behaving like a single man brings?