Page 13 | To think we are in a relationship?

TheSlantedOwl · 23/02/2026 19:31

He’s not ‘all in’. He doesn’t want to close the door, so to speak.

SittingNextToIt · 23/02/2026 19:44

Beingabout · 23/02/2026 14:13

Again, friends with benefits are friends who usually are not faithful to each other, and see each other to have sex, with it clear that there is no obligation not to go on dates, flirt etc. Not to communicate with each other several times a day about daily life, support each other when upset, holiday together etc.

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This is obviously not what you want to hear, but my former friend with benefits was exactly what you describe here. Faithful to each other, entirely exclusive to each other, therefore each other as an emergency contact on each other’s phones And hospital records.

I have a strong sense that you are putting up specific blanket definitions of FWBs In order to distinguish them from your set up.

Your set up is not a relationship. I am in a relationship, for example with my husband. That is a relationship. A former colleague for example is in a relationship with her life partner with whom she has cohabited for the last 42 years.

You are not in a relationship. You’re not in a relationship. You’re not in a relationship. There are three possibilities at this point.

You either genuinely do not understand that you’re not in a Relationship in which case it is really a very sad thing.
You do understand that you are not in a relationship but have convinced yourself and are continuing to try to convince yourself by trying to reiterate That you are to other people repeatedly. this is also a very sad thing.
You are winding people up. At this point, frankly one part of me is hoping that it is option three.

AmethystH · 23/02/2026 20:41

I bet if he was in the comments, he would not be describing the situation the same as Op has. He would most definitely be downplaying it a lot more. Probably lying.. but that’s what guys like this do.

Idontlikethisquestion · 23/02/2026 21:22

You said that he tells you he loves you and shows that he loves you, if I got that right?

Does he say things like, "I love you so much" or "I'll always love you"? If you had some terrible news, would he say things like, "don't worry, darling, we're in this together and we'll figure it out together"?

If he would absolutely and clearly say these things, then it's a relationship. If not, then that's the difference. In a loving, committed relationship you know that the other person is there for you.

Just something to think about - if you think he is uncomfortable with that level of commitment, he might feel claustrophobic in other situations too - if you suddenly received a terrible diagnosis, for example. Would he accompany you to doctor's appointments, help you choose treatment plans, etc.? Or could he possibly start to feel a bit trapped? Would your relationship continue despite sudden disability? And how would that make you feel if it didn't? That's the risk of loving someone with commitment hang ups.

Stuckincircles · 23/02/2026 21:30

OP doesn't want to talk about the fact that they can't communicate with each other, that she isn't heard when she asks questions that are important to her.

It's all rather technical and about definitions. Anyone can leave anyone any time". Yes, that's sort of contractually true. But what this post is really about is this -he has a wall around some difficult emotions, and you deep down believe that if you try to hard to broach that wall, OP, he will leave.

ThatFairy · 23/02/2026 21:32

Yes you are clearly in a relationship

Original poster

Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:20

Thatsalineallright · 23/02/2026 16:36

You keep saying this and on the surface it's true. But at least speaking for myself, while just dating l was prepared to immediately leave if he said/did the wrong thing, I got a job in a different country, or I simply lost interest. Now that I'm married, I would go to counselling, give things time, and basically only leave if he became abusive or cheated. So for me there is a massive difference in the level of commitment between a situationship/casual relationship and marriage.

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That’s fair. I would only stay as long as I was happy, so I guess it’s true I wouldn’t fight as hard to stay together as you would with your DH.

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Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:23

IfThen · 23/02/2026 17:03

Yes, they can. But ending a relationship and ending a FWB set up, as someone who’s done both, and had it done to me in both, are completely different. Because in a FWB, you can just say ‘Look, I’ve met someone’. No further explanation needed. Goodwill on both sides, even if the person who didn’t end it would have preferred it to continue because it was easy and enjoyable, and they hadn’t encountered anyone they liked the look of or were t ready to start dating. Relationships, on the other hand, don’t usually end with one party waving the other off and wishing them luck.

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And there wouldn't be goodwill, and we wouldn’t be wishing each other luck.

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OtterlyAstounding · 24/02/2026 00:26

Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:23

And there wouldn't be goodwill, and we wouldn’t be wishing each other luck.

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Does he say that he loves you, in a classic, romantic partner sense, OP?

Original poster

Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:28

Itwasallyellow2 · 23/02/2026 17:12

Yes they can. But it’s much harder to leave if your lives are entwined and there are more repercussions. You sound as though you are trying to convince yourself that you are cool with the situation but in reality you are upset that he won’t call you his girlfriend or partner as most people would be.

You are giving him your time, your affection, your investment and he won’t call you his girlfriend or his partner? That’s hurtful. He’s not even giving you an explanation. He’s expecting all the advantages of being in a relationship without giving you any degree of significance. You’re not his next of kin, you’re someone he likes to hang out with, spend time with but with no plan for the future, just for today.

If that’s good enough for you then fine but fast forward 10 or 20 years from now and think about how you might feel if he still doesn’t regard you as his partner…

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Many women live with and have children with their partners, and yet are not next of kin. My sister is my next of kin. My nieces will inherit my estate. I am happy with that.

I don’t think it’s a good thing that it’s harder to leave, with more repercussions, if a person wants to leave a relationship. I’d be gutted and devastated, of course, but if he wants to leave then I wouldn’t want him to stay and be unhappy. Different with children of course.

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Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:31

Ponoka7 · 23/02/2026 17:49

Where do you eat, have sex etc? I had keys to my DPs, so he didn't have to be home when I was staying. In another relationship, he had a key to mine, he helped with my dog. We were partners, even though we lived apart. Each of us could rely on the other, regardless what life threw at us, we were each other's priority. But ultimately, you sound a lot happier than a lot of married couples I know.

Thanks. Either at his house or mine. We live five minutes away from each other and we’d never be at each other’s houses when the other wasn’t there, there’d be no need.

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Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:33

UraniumFlowerpot · 23/02/2026 18:00

If you’re happy with the situation as it is, why does it matter to call it a relationship or say he’s your boyfriend? Why not agree with him and call it not a relationship, or agree with posters here and call it fwb? Why are you hung up on proving it’s a relationship?

You keep saying anyone can end any kind of relationship or even marriage at any time. Sort of, but it is different. Legally different with marriage, socially different with an established relationship.

Many people have given plausible explanations of the distinction he may be trying to make, though of course we can only speculate. You have just repeated your position that this is a relationship. So it doesn’t go anywhere. It starts to feel more like desperation to be correct than genuine interest and curiosity about different viewpoints.

My take remains that the distinction he tries to draw is about being together now vs any future planning. Being in an established romantic relationship with someone usually involves a level of joint future planning. Where that is not involved, I would also say we are not a couple, we’re dating but not in a relationship, something like that. Typically, the future planning is most obvious in considering shared children and shared living arrangements. If you are happy to live separately, keep separate finances, and do not want kids then it’s less noticeable but I do think there’s still a distinction to be drawn.

A relationship would typically involve an assumption that we are each affected by major life decisions of the other. I wouldn’t take a job in Australia without talking to my partner about it, for example, but I would do so without considering a fwb / dating situation. And yes, it’s possible that from a relationship I’d decide that this is too good an opportunity to miss and I have to go and we don’t want to do long distance so we’ll break up. But that involves discussion and recognizing that the other person has a right to feel upset and a bit betrayed by this. Fwb / dating it would be fine to just tell them hey I’m moving to Australia next month take care. Of course there are shades of grey in between. If you wouldn’t be bothered by such an announcement that is very unusual for a ‘relationship’.

My guess is that he simply wants to avoid a feeling of obligation and being constrained. In practice it might never come up, and you seem also happy to be functionally single (in the sense that your finances, living arrangements etc are not intertwined), and seem relatively unbothered by lack of commitment and shared future planning so then its really just nomenclature and doesn’t matter. And as you repeatedly point out, relationships end regardless of intention. I’d maybe just say that an explicit intention to not commit to a relationship is hardly likely to make it more stable. For every marriage that ends in divorce there is
another where both parties have put in serious effort to work through their issues and stick together, usually significantly motivated by their prior promises and commitment. Would you want effort put in to get through hard times? Would you expect him to talk to you if he’s becoming dissatisfied with the relationship or to just fade out? What does he expect would happen in that case?

Neither of us would move to Australia next month. He wouldn’t move away at all. I lived in South America in my 20s and didn’t give it a second thought. I wouldn’t do so now without considering him.

It depends upon what the hard times are. Bereavement, redundancy, etc. of course I would stick about (as he has).

If I found out he was seeing someone else? Or if he was becoming snappy and argumentative and it generally wasn’t pleasant to be around him any more? No, I’d walk away.

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Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:42

Namechange568899542 · 23/02/2026 18:30

Why have you spent years chasing after someone who, when asked, would claim you’re not together?

Sorry OP but he doesn’t want to put a label on it so his options are open and if he gets the opportunity to pursue someone else he can deny wrongdoing by way of “you can’t be pissed off, we weren’t even together”

I dont want to sound harsh but I just don’t buy the “he’s just scared of the word” nonsense. No one is scared of the word. What he’s scared of is being made to feel guilty if someone else comes along.

When have I chased him?

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Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:44

DollydaydreamTheThird · 23/02/2026 19:19

Loads of people do change their minds though OP. Both my SIL had children in early 40s after previously being adamant about not having them. I always say never say never and that's about everything. We're allowed to change our minds about stuff.

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🙄

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Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:46

SittingNextToIt · 23/02/2026 19:44

This is obviously not what you want to hear, but my former friend with benefits was exactly what you describe here. Faithful to each other, entirely exclusive to each other, therefore each other as an emergency contact on each other’s phones And hospital records.

I have a strong sense that you are putting up specific blanket definitions of FWBs In order to distinguish them from your set up.

Your set up is not a relationship. I am in a relationship, for example with my husband. That is a relationship. A former colleague for example is in a relationship with her life partner with whom she has cohabited for the last 42 years.

You are not in a relationship. You’re not in a relationship. You’re not in a relationship. There are three possibilities at this point.

You either genuinely do not understand that you’re not in a Relationship in which case it is really a very sad thing.
You do understand that you are not in a relationship but have convinced yourself and are continuing to try to convince yourself by trying to reiterate That you are to other people repeatedly. this is also a very sad thing.
You are winding people up. At this point, frankly one part of me is hoping that it is option three.

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What made them friends with benefits, then?

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Original poster

Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:50

Stuckincircles · 23/02/2026 21:30

OP doesn't want to talk about the fact that they can't communicate with each other, that she isn't heard when she asks questions that are important to her.

It's all rather technical and about definitions. Anyone can leave anyone any time". Yes, that's sort of contractually true. But what this post is really about is this -he has a wall around some difficult emotions, and you deep down believe that if you try to hard to broach that wall, OP, he will leave.

I’ve broached it loads of times, as you've said yourself. He hasn’t left.

It’s not sort of contractually true. It is just true. Anyone can leave any time, for whatever reason. Thinking otherwise is what leads many women to believe they absolutely must find proof of cheating before they can leave, or must let their partner demonstrate that this time they will change. They don’t have to. They can leave. Without explanation if that is what they wish. He can leave me tomorrow. He doesn’t.

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Original poster

Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:51

OtterlyAstounding · 24/02/2026 00:26

Does he say that he loves you, in a classic, romantic partner sense, OP?

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He does.

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Franjipanl8r · 24/02/2026 01:05

If you’re happy then great, but it sounds like you’ve just never met someone who’s madly in love with you and that’s a shame. Good loving relationships aren’t off and on, they aren’t complex and don’t need explaining like this.

Wherethebirdflies · 24/02/2026 01:52

did yous celebrate Valentine’s Day together?

canklesmctacotits · 24/02/2026 02:27

You're not in what HE calls a relationship. You are in what YOU call a relationship. The fact you don’t see eye to eye on this kind of says it all.

From what you’ve said, yes it’s entirely possible that his childhood might contain answers to why he doesn’t think he’s in a relationship with you and won’t even talk about this properly with you. But the likelihood is that it’s much more mundane than that: what you have works absolutely well enough for him for the two of you to keep chugging along as you are. Possible for years and decades. You see it all the time. BUT, if someone else comes along with whom he thinks he can have what HE considers to be a relationship, you won’t see him for dust. You’d be the one before The One, and it will be unfathomable to you what he has with her that he didn’t have with you. You see this all the time, too. That missing thing is why you have to ask him if he’s in a relationship with him, and him fudging the answers is because he himself doesn’t know what’s missing or he does but he doesn’t want to say. It’s probably something to do with his mum 🙄

You also seem quite detached from him in a way that screams not wanting to get hurt, and stopping yourself from falling into commitment to him. Nothing to do with children or your separate houses - I think it’s the willingness to go along with someone else setting your agenda for you when you don’t even know what sort of relationship you have or what he thinks about you. You’d take this man into account if you were offered a job abroad…but he doesn’t even think he’s in a relationship with you, meaning he could say “oh you don’t have to worry about me, go! Sure I’d miss you but you must put you first!”. If you’re fine with that, that’s very weird and actually a bit sad.

OtterlyAstounding · 24/02/2026 04:38

Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:51

He does.

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Well, I guess that's what really counts, if you're both happy, and he loves you!

Notalotanota2026 · 24/02/2026 05:29

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:20

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

It is NOT a relationship! He likes to go on holiday, likes your company, likes to fuck you..but it is NOT a relationship.

Why do I say this? Because if it was, you would not be on here posting this..

PolkaDotShooter · 24/02/2026 05:36

I would say a real relationship would be being able to ask a question and having it answered.

Not somene stonewalling you when you ask a normal reasonable question, that is incredibly rude and dismissive, do you not think so ? how does that make you feel when he just ignors you and pretends he hasn't heard ? It's very odd.

To admit a relationship, is to admit love.

He knows you want him to say you are in a relationship and to deny you this or even an answer tells you he does not care about your feelings.

You are trying to deny this to yourself.

If someone who I thought so very much about and thought they did the same, would not dare speak the word I would be mortally offended and send them on their way, you are making excuses for this man and deluding yourself about something.

Why have you not said, if you can't say it then f... off, most people would, you are in the minority for putting up with this.

Tell him to say it or go, that will tell you how much he is commited and how much he loves you.

I should imagine there are other factors involved here that are unknown.

LogFireBurning · 24/02/2026 07:51

Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:46

What made them friends with benefits, then?

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I can answer that from my perspective.

I wasn't in love with him.

He made me properly belly laugh, we'd sit up all night talking, went on holidays together, had great sex, we'd debate and discuss stuff, we had private in jokes, we spent as much time together as we could. But I loved him as a best friend and not a romantic partner.

It was just different. We knew we loved each other but I wouldn't have called it a relationship. There was just something there (or not there) that prevented it from becoming more. It was almost intangible because, in every other respect, we looked like we were in a romantic relationship but it just felt like a boundary that would never be crossed in the relationship that we did have.

I would never have wanted to live with him. I had two children anyway but I wouldn't have wanted childen with him.

I suppose I just didn't want that level of commitment with him. I didn't want to tie myself to him in any way that was binding. I always regarded myself as single even though I wasn't actively pursuing anyone else.

But I couldn't tell you what it was about him that made me feel like that. There was nothing 'wrong' with him. I just didn't want to be in a relationship with him. It met all of relationship needs, it just wasn't one.

It's not a flaw or a failing in me either. I've now been in a relationship with someone for 5 years and we are engaged.

Stuckincircles · 24/02/2026 08:00

Beingabout · 24/02/2026 00:50

I’ve broached it loads of times, as you've said yourself. He hasn’t left.

It’s not sort of contractually true. It is just true. Anyone can leave any time, for whatever reason. Thinking otherwise is what leads many women to believe they absolutely must find proof of cheating before they can leave, or must let their partner demonstrate that this time they will change. They don’t have to. They can leave. Without explanation if that is what they wish. He can leave me tomorrow. He doesn’t.

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But you haven't! You haven't broached it AND had a satisfactory resolution and you haven't had him on the ropes to justify why he's holding out on someone he says he loves. He fudges or goes quiet. Him saying "I don't know why I'm like this" feebly, and then stopping is not a whole conversation. It is the first line of the conversation! You then go - well we need to get into this, so do you love me? Yes he says. So what are you going to do about your emotional barrier as it's a problem for me, it stops me feeling really secure and entirely happy with you. Do you care about how I feel? yes? Maybe some counselling? No? Ok If you don't want to work on yourself what other reassurance can you give me that this relationship is emotionally important and meaningful for you?
etc etc etc etc

If he was saying "I have all these issues probably relating to x and y that happened, I'm just not emotionally able to unpack it all - I'm so sorry darling it must be hard for you to live with. You know I love you and I want to be with you and I say so every day - can you possibly put up with this weird quirk in our lives together?" That's literally the only thing I would accept and even then I would start to be resentful that he was holding us back emotionally.