To think this is beyond grim?

[stunnedbythis]

I was talking to my mum this afternoon, she mentioned that one of her friends is celebrating thirty years living with his boyfriend. It suddenly occurred to me to ask how old they were when they met because her friend doesn't look old enough, and she said he was 18 and his boyfriend was about 32. I knew there was an age gap, but I can't help but think this is really, really grim.

My mum go really defensive about this as she's very close to her friend and to some extent his boyfriend too, but she said things were very different 30 years ago and that it was her friend who did all the chasing (she's know this friend since he was about 16/17 as they worked in the same shop for a while). She said he met this man in a pub and they just hit it off.

My mum is in her 60s now and has a very different outlook, I asked her how she'd feel if one of my children turned 18 and started dating someone in their thirties, but all she could say is "its different now". How is it different?? What am I missing?

Congrats to them.

Is that true - that the fact of being at school or having left makes a difference to one's legal status?

I had thought it was simply a question of age, and that once someone turns 18 they have fully adult status and rights even while they are at school. This would include their parents not having any say over what they do, although we rely on maintaining some pretence that they do until after they leave school.

Different. No guarantee it's actually better. Could swing back in the future

Ooh at 16/17 I hung about with a largish group. What did we have in common? Motorbikes for a start, going to the pub,live music , playing pool etc. still friends with a few of them.now.

And I did go for one of the guys who was in his 30s when I was 17. Was a quick fling.but fun at the time. Strangely I was treated must better than the guy I got together with at 18 ( he was 19) treated me.

Was was in my 20s throughout the 90s so clear memories

I'm 62, at 16 I was very happily dating a 24 year old. Mum completely approved, I don't think anyone even raised a single eyebrow in my direction.

Things actually WERE very different then.

Edited to add: At 17 I had a quick fling with a high school teacher, he was 23 and not a teacher at my school.

Also, in the 80s, going to night clubs, it wasn't unusual to be groped on the boob or bum by a complete stranger. it was just sort of 'expected' if you went out. I do look back at that and think OMG, but, at the time, it wasn't unusual.

Yep 😎

@stunnedbythis This is one of the strangest posts I've ever read. You seem to be utterly hung up on so many issues. Firstly you find it incomprehensible that a social group can consist of people of varying ages. It might not be common now (I don't really know) but certainly up until the early 2000's it was absolutely normal for a group (especially work colleagues or a hobby group) to go drinking and socialising together. I know, I was one of them! I was 33 in 1990 and mixed with gay and straight people from the ages of 18 to 50. I guess you'd condemn me as being completely weird and "out there" like your poor mother! As for the two blokes and their relationship. Well, they've been together for 30 years and are happy for fuck sake and the younger one was 18, so an adult. How you can possibly criticise such an enduring partnership is beyond me. In any event, it is far from unusual in the gay community for one partner to be some years younger than the other and that remains the case in 2026!

Attitudes towards young women and teenage girls were different I can remember a teacher grooming and raping a girl in my year (lets name it what it is) and the blame was partly placed on her for enticing him. She was 15

Predatory men were no different they just could openly be predatory

And girls werealso able to go after men
Wasn't necessarily one way

what the fuck are you joking or just stupid

as you said girls … children going after men 🙄

do adults not have a responsibility towards protecting children or was it only when laws were put in place that men suddenly realised that should stop abusing girls and behave as decent human beings

No I'm not saying anything of the sort about men abusing girls. But there were a lot of girls that deliberately went for the older men. Assume you are too young to have lived ot

As for the word " girls" My friends a4n I have been known to have a girls lunch/ night out and we are aged 40-60

No I am not too young we all had older boyfriends and now can see these men for what they are predatory

girls is under 18

men are able to ignore such behaviour and decent men do, so what if a girl flirts around them (it’s part of growing up testing out how to flirt) men can ignore this we flirted around our teaches and friends fathers and older brothers thankfully many of them were decent and ignored our behaviour the predators of course didn’t and we were too naive (as we should be allowed to be when young) to understand this and took advantage

thankfully more have wised up to this and no longer make excuses for these vile men

So you only go on age without taking life experience into account.

I have a fried who had a baby a couple of months after her 15th birthday ( with a boy her age). At 16 she had her own flat and a job. So working , running he home and bringing up at child. When she was 17vshe got an older boyfriend

But because she was under 18 that was wrong?

Yet she was almost definitely more mature than an 18 year old still at school living with mummy. Which according you you is ok.

Btw she will be celebrating her 35th wedding anniversary in a couple of years

All types of judgement are prevalent on here

We all knew girls who had babies very young not sure how many would really want this for their own daughters even if it worked out ok

but this isn’t what we are talking about is it I was working abroad at 17 but I was still young I was not an experienced adult

you mentioned girls who went for older men we nearly all did and the world is full of predators just waiting for this but that ok as girls do flirt

so yes I will judge

Feel free. Don't choke yourself if those pearls

" I have an 18 year old and the thought of her being with a 30 odd year old, it would just be wrong. She's barely out of childhood."

You must live in quite privileged circumstances. My mother was widowed in her 40s, and when I was 15 it was made clear to me I had to contribute to the family income, so I had to get two weekend jobs. I was at grammar school at the time so it wasn't easy, but we were happy enough.

I certainly can't think of 18 year olds as 'just out of childhood'. MN is loony on this issue.

If pearl clutching is not excusing predatory men not being able to help themselves when girls flirted with them I am more than fine with that

MN outrage!

Young women who choose to form relationships with men earning a lot of money because they are well established in a good career, which they use to provide very nice things for their partner, are being preyed upon by those men!

Young women who choose to have a relationship with a sexually experienced self confident lover who makes her feel great about herself are being prayed upon by that man!

Men who are sexually attracted to sexually attractive young women are disgusting creeps!

No relationship with an age gap of ten years or more can possibly survive except coercively!

Are we still talking about the male 18 year old here?
Love how even a gay man in an age gap relationship is somehow evidence of gold digging females

Or are you referencing the (derail) into girls younger than 18 dating older men. Because, news flash! We normally call an "underage woman" a child. That's a difference thing to 2 consenting legal drinking age adults.

That you Andy?

But in reality the age of consent is 16 so what's that got to do with 18 year olds?

I was following the derail but exactly the same comments apply to gay relationships.

I have no idea what you mean by asking if I'm Andy.

I think the previous poster may be referring to the Andrew formerly known as Prince, m'lud.

Well the derail was talking about 15 year olds and "girls" pursuing men. And even if 16 is the age of consent a 16 year old "pursuing" an adult man is a bit of a trope.

God I'm slow this morning! Sorry, got no sleep, got a wrecked shoulder!