To think this is beyond grim?

[stunnedbythis]

I was talking to my mum this afternoon, she mentioned that one of her friends is celebrating thirty years living with his boyfriend. It suddenly occurred to me to ask how old they were when they met because her friend doesn't look old enough, and she said he was 18 and his boyfriend was about 32. I knew there was an age gap, but I can't help but think this is really, really grim.

My mum go really defensive about this as she's very close to her friend and to some extent his boyfriend too, but she said things were very different 30 years ago and that it was her friend who did all the chasing (she's know this friend since he was about 16/17 as they worked in the same shop for a while). She said he met this man in a pub and they just hit it off.

My mum is in her 60s now and has a very different outlook, I asked her how she'd feel if one of my children turned 18 and started dating someone in their thirties, but all she could say is "its different now". How is it different?? What am I missing?

Not at uni, working, learning to drive yes. But she's worlds away from being at the same life stage/maturity of someone in their 30s. I'm in my 30s myself, couldn't dream of being with someone of that age.

Tbh a lot of my gay male friends have boyfriends who are much older than them. They’re all 24-30 and I’d say the average age gap is 15 odd years. Would I want that for my son if he was gay? Probably wouldn’t be thrilled but from what I’ve seen it’s just more common among gay men. If it was one of my mates dating an 18 year old I would probably not feel great about that, but that goes for any of my friends not just the gay ones.

The dirty old man... 32 to 18's predatory in my opinion.

yes its grim

what interests does a man of 32 have with an 18 year old

who cares if they have lasted this long the balance of power at the very beginning of the relationship is all off and so often this plays out throughout the relationship

I'd say mind your own business.

"who cares if they have lasted this long"

Well I'm sure they and their friends do, and are understandably happy about it.

I'm also sure they don't care what grim-minded randoms on the internet think of them.

None of your business. I know several people who have been married to a much older person for a very long time. I don't find it grim. What I do find grim is people being judgemental.

I am sure they don't

but you choose not to comment on the other part of my post about imbalance of power and how this so often plays out

how many people are now openly talking about their much older partners and how this impacted their self esteem

and again what does a man of 32 have in common with an 18 year old

I think the only thing that has changed is verbalising outrage. I think a lot of men in their 30s would go for a much younger woman if they weren't worried about what society/peers/family would say. Not all men - definitely not all men - but a fair few.

Not a huge deal tbh

Nonsense. 30 years ago was 1996 - no way would a gay relationship have been hidden and taboo then!

Personally they I don't see a problem with this and it would of been less of a problem in the 90's! Would I be worried if when my DD is 18/19 she brought home someone in their early 30's - yes I probably would be. But I would be more concerned about how she is been treated by that person.

I'm late 30's and have friends I have met through work that range from 18-70, I don't think it's weird to have mixed aged friends

exactly

and men too

and not even woman and men children (under 18)

I didn't mention homosexuals at all 🤔

Can you really not imagine even one common interest an 18-year-old and a 32-year-old might have?

When I was 18, I found more people online who shared my interests in music, literature and politics than I ever found in my year at school. Some of them were 10 years older than me. Some of them were 20 years older than me! Wait for it, some of them were even in their 40s. Plenty of those people have become lifelong friends, though never romantic partners.

When I was 20, I did have a very short fling with a 33-year-old though. We also shared a few common interests (when not having sex we'd have a very nice time looking round art galleries), though they weren't as important as being very attracted to each other. (It was never going to be a proper relationship, which was nothing to do with our ages. It's just a nice fond memory now.)

When I was 17 - 21, I worked in a supermarket. I became very good friends with a colleague who was 17 years older than me. We are still friends. I have another very good friend who is over 20 years older than me. I also now have friends who are nearly 20 years younger than me. I work in a place that has a very broad age range. You don't enjoy friendships with people who are not your age. That's fine. But other people do, and that's fine too.

I don't get it. I wouldn't look at an 18 year old. Not a 25 year old either. I know an adult is an adult, but we change decade to decade. I think what your mum means is that society accepted it back then. When society is accepting of an idea, so often is an individual.

When I was 18 I had far more in common with many older men and women than I did with my most of my peers. And 32 is far from "old", and usually not very "powerful", either.

If this had been an older man out to play the predator, it was hardly likely to result in a happy, decades long relationship. Your grimness is clearly inappropriate in this context.

We'd probably frown upon it now but 30+ years ago we tended to treat 18 year olds as adults, not the children we do today. It was completely normal to move out of home, get married, have kids at 18.

They both consenting adults, and their relationship has lasted longer than most marriages do. Hard to get upset over that.

Politics, music, sport, theatre, dancing, chess......

Thank you, that is really kind of you to say.

And yes, the narrow mindedness and judgment on this site can be tiring.

❤️

30 years ago was 1996!

The son of the late queen, for one.

I think the responses to this are really interesting.

It it were a M-F relationship, at the time that they were 18 and 32 I think the majority of people would think it was a big age gap and that the younger person was potentially at some sort of risk. The difference in the amount of life experience they have, the potential for power imbalance if one is a much higher earner/in some other position of perceived or actual seniority of power, and the vastly different frames of reference and interests are all potential red flags. If they stayed together for the next 30 years I also think most people would shrug and say fair enough, it obviously was meant to be.

I'm female and roughly the age of the younger one. I can remember some ill advised snogging with men who were in their 30s when I was not even 18. To me at the time it was harmless fun and a bit of rebellion. I had tried to wind my parents up by saying what if I got a boyfriend in his 30s and they had very wisely not risen to that bait and just said it would depend on if he was a nice chap who treated me well, and that made me lose interest in that particular type of rebellion. I had friends whose parents would have had much stronger reactions. In hindsight I am horrified that those men entertained naïve young me, and thankful that they didn't pay me any more attention than just a snog. So back to the men in the OP, I don't judge the younger one, but I do judge the actions of the older one at the time, and I don't think it being same sex removes all of the problems I have mentioned, nor do I think it was just how things were at the time.