To think this is beyond grim?

[stunnedbythis]

I was talking to my mum this afternoon, she mentioned that one of her friends is celebrating thirty years living with his boyfriend. It suddenly occurred to me to ask how old they were when they met because her friend doesn't look old enough, and she said he was 18 and his boyfriend was about 32. I knew there was an age gap, but I can't help but think this is really, really grim.

My mum go really defensive about this as she's very close to her friend and to some extent his boyfriend too, but she said things were very different 30 years ago and that it was her friend who did all the chasing (she's know this friend since he was about 16/17 as they worked in the same shop for a while). She said he met this man in a pub and they just hit it off.

My mum is in her 60s now and has a very different outlook, I asked her how she'd feel if one of my children turned 18 and started dating someone in their thirties, but all she could say is "its different now". How is it different?? What am I missing?

They are a shining example of how utterly unreasonable MN's horrified prejudice against couples with a big age gap is.

The past truly is another country.

Being 18 in the 90s was different to being 18 now.

I had already been working part time and then full time for several years. This was much more common then - leaving school at 16 was common.

I know several people that got married at 18 and others who had children earlier than this.

Expectations of 16-18 year olds were high - they were expected to be responsible for younger children, themselves and often had supervisory roles in jobs.

In this context, an 18 year old would not be seen as someone unable to make their own decision about who they dated.

God forbid two people be happy in a committed, long-term relationship. We've got to find some way to bring it down.

You’re not taking into account that this was the gay community in the 90s, which you clearly know nothing about. It was much smaller than it is today. It’s not as simple as just meeting another 18 year old at college or school or work. Also dynamics in gay male relationships are different. Many young gay men are attracted to much older men. They might be at different life stages but that doesn’t mean they had nothing in common. The important things to have in common in a relationship IMO are shared values & beliefs, sense of humour, and similar life goals. There’s no reason a 32 yr old & an 18 yr old can’t have those things in common.

Aren't they just!

True

None of your business, really. Not many couples get to thirty years together let alone with them still being happy.

Yea it's grim, it's always been grim.

All of this.

No, it isn't and it hasn't. I had friends who married at 18/19.
18 is now, and was then, an adult.

I have genuinely no idea what you are talking about. If two adults love which other it’s nobody else’s business. This would never even enter my head to judge this.

Op, did you read the part where its written the younger man pursued the older ? Had it occurred to you he might like older men, or do you not approve of that either

The age gap isn't anyone's business but theirs but what is grim is that the 90s were 30 years ago.

Who cares, they were both adults when they got together and it's none of your business. It obviously worked out well for them as they've been together for 30 years. Do you not have anything more important to worry about?

Why is it any of your business? All parties were over the age of consent.

Congratulations to them, thank goodness they were strong enough to not be influenced by the potential judgement of others!
Imagine meeting someone you think may be the love of your life, but walking away as some people will think it’s grim!?
They were right, their 30 year relationship is the proof. Your judgey comments are just unkind and naive.

Yeah, it is a bit grim, and I certainly wouldn't be happy if my DD when she gets to 18 started a relationship with a 32yo.

A college friend ended up in a relationship with a very similar age gap. They were together about 15 years. They are split up now, and in new relationships, but I don't think it did any harm. But I do remember a few of us at the time going, "Are you sure...?"

As for your mums friend, if they're 30 years in, and still going strong, I'd leave well alone.

I'd leave well alone anyway. It's another couple's marriage.

There are different types of 18-year-olds. Some are still very naive and childlike, while others are responsible adults with jobs and children of their own. It's less common these days to see them as full adults because our society has been pushing the boundaries of what we count as adolescence, encouraging an extended period of youthful immaturity. Yes, I know that our brains aren't fully developed until our 20s, etc, etc, but it doesn't change the fact that some people are more 'grown' at 18 than others are at 50—and not that long ago, a 20-year age gap wasn't all that unusual.

You don't have to like it, but it's not automatically 'beyond grim'.

OMG!!! you are being mighty judgey - this sentence is the only thing grim about your thread "her friend knew how to party and that getting together with a man in his 30's was the least of it, whatever that means. I dread to think." seriously????? where is your judgement taking you??

It was the 1990's - I wouldn't say it wasn't taboo though definitely pride was more in the margins than nowadays. People fall in love at any age - admittedly that is quite a gap. Certainly doesn't sound as though the younger one of the couple was groomed!

FFS they've been together for 30 years.... get off your high judgey horse - this is only like cause for celebration

Yes, good points. Some people are very mature at 18, others less so.

🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮

The OP's attitude is certainly grim. But I suspect she's inclined to find life in general pretty grim, and takes a grim satisfaction in doing so.

They were different times. Stop being so judgemental.

"Don't talk to me about that Elsie Tanner!"