To think this is beyond grim?

[stunnedbythis]

I was talking to my mum this afternoon, she mentioned that one of her friends is celebrating thirty years living with his boyfriend. It suddenly occurred to me to ask how old they were when they met because her friend doesn't look old enough, and she said he was 18 and his boyfriend was about 32. I knew there was an age gap, but I can't help but think this is really, really grim.

My mum go really defensive about this as she's very close to her friend and to some extent his boyfriend too, but she said things were very different 30 years ago and that it was her friend who did all the chasing (she's know this friend since he was about 16/17 as they worked in the same shop for a while). She said he met this man in a pub and they just hit it off.

My mum is in her 60s now and has a very different outlook, I asked her how she'd feel if one of my children turned 18 and started dating someone in their thirties, but all she could say is "its different now". How is it different?? What am I missing?

So, generally not good people then.

It's not 'beyond grim.' Ffs, the opinions and judgement from some people is astonishing.

What your mums friend says is why most of MN think I reckon! 😁

I've always had friendships with big age gaps.

I feel very differently about big age gaps in relationships though, when one person is very young.

No in a sexual relationship no, at 32 I was experienced in adult relationships had different expectations in relationship that I would not expect an 18 year old to have

And I find most 18 year olds as 18 are, young in their outlook and naïve, views more often tend to be more simplistic as life as they should be at that age

I find them fun to be around, interesting conversations as their views are not of an adult with lived experiences (my home is often full of them, ds and his friends) but that is not the same as interesting to hang around with

I am really pleased that it appears young people today have completely different attitudes on their age group going out with older people they understand the power imbalance.

And yes I will judge a man of 30 or a woman who is in a sexual relationship with an 18 year old no matter how many shared interests they have as for friendships I would bet many of these men will soon replace their young friend with another young friend once she/he is off the scene

No it wouldn't. 30 years ago wasn't the dark ages.

I am with you, op. I was in a similar
age gap relationship with a man in my
late teens. The whole time we were together I thought I was blissfully happy and in the perfect relationship.

But actually now looking back on it there was a big power imbalance, he financially and emotionally abused me and I wonder what on earth he thought he had in common with me when we met.

I missed out on a huge chunk of life because of his dominance over me.

But I know if we were still together I would tell you how happy I was because I honestly didn’t know any different. I didn’t know adult life without him.

But I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t living a full life. I didn’t really know who I was as a person.

I almost spat out my coffee 🤣🤣🤣👌🏼

I think that’s your school to be honest - I’m bisexual and was at school in the 90s, and had no issues whatsoever. Nobody used “gay” or “lezzer” as a slur, and absolutely nobody used “fag” or “faggot” (which are very American IMO).

I did have issues on nights out with random older men asking me and my girlfriend for threesomes, but that is more to do with misogyny/fucking late 90s Loaded lad culture than homophobia - they weren’t trying to turn me straight. The same grim men also hassled my straight female friends for threesomes.

You must have been at a very open school compared to lots of us. "That's gay" was the most frequently used insult in my school in the 1990s. I'm bi and absolutely nobody was out about being anything other than straight at school. Section 28 (that banned schools from teaching anything about same sex relationships) was only rescinded in 2003.

Thankfully the sixth form I went to was the polar opposite, so obviously some schools didn't have the culture that my high school did. I don't for one minute believe that my experience was in the minority though.

What, in the mid 90s?!

I would be appalled if my kids aged 18 were seeing someone aged 32. I def would find it grim due to the power imbalance from the older party.

Yeah, sorry, it was different in the 90s. I had a 27 year old boyfriend at 17, my parents (privately didn't love it but) said nothing, I know girls who hooked up with men in their early 20s at 14. We certainly all hung around with a much wider variety of ages. People aren't saying it was ideal, and yes we look back now and might shudder, but it just was regarded differently back then. Your mum isn't making an excuse, she's explaining.

One day your kids will take the same view of things you and your friends have done, btw, progress is a constant process and a lot of things don't age well, that's not going to end with your generation.

Same here but 19 and 40. Main worry for me was you change a lot in your 20s. She left him eventually.

My first long term relationship started when i was 19 and she was 32.
Same sex pairing, it was me who pursued it, and we were well matched on the maturity stakes.
By 19 I'd been living on my own for a couple of years, working and studying, and was no different to my older friends, I'm still the youngest in my circle.
I wouldn't automatically say that a 12/13 year age gap is predatory

30 years ago was not the 1980s! And it was the tail end of the AIDS crisis; effective combination therapy became available in the UK in 1996.

Not that I am convinced either the AIDS pandemic or the decade are that relevant here.

The fact that they are still together and, I assume, happy makes me think you are making something out of nothing op. I mean yeah, me at 32 would not have gone for an 18 year old, but it clearly worked for them.

Honestly, it’s not a big deal and not any of your business!

I can’t see anything grim about it.

So many cool parents on here! At 18, my kids were doing A Levels in sixth form. I would find a 32y wanting to get into a relationship with them, bizarre at best and predatory at worst. What would a 32y have in common with an 18y old? I would hate it, though accept I would not be able to prevent it and would have to support my young adult children either way.

I would find it very hard to be happy with an age gap like this with an 18y old, and would feel quite protective and worried. But it seems I am the minority here, which has surprised me a bit.

I really do not think you are in the minority in rl

But I do think many people dismiss predatory men when they seem like nice fun guys who wouldn't hurt anyone and are friends with everyone if they are arrogant and obvious womanizers they will have a different opinion about them

You sound very immature and judgmental OP. Why should your mum be shocked and horrified by life in the 90s when she doesn't find it shocking or grim as you say. You might be shocked at this age gap but think nothing of the other norms that young people accept now. If someone told me in the 90s that many young people would be addicted to devices to the extent that they have poor concentration, poorer social skills, mental health problems etc I would be appalled. I wouldn't have believed people could spend over 10 hours a day on a screen or that school kids could access porn on their bus ride home. Or that people are so vulnerable to radicalisation or extreme views because they live through the online world not in the real one. Or that most couples meet through an app not in person, they base it on superficial looks and communicate in text before they even meet..then they often exchange photos of their genitals, seriously wtf. All these are norms you will have to justify in 30 years time.

Good. I bet you laughed your arse off at him...

Lots of people - including me - have said it would be equally OK if it was a straight couple. Which it would. HTH.

I would be immensely concerned as I expect would most people.

but the fact remains whilst your child is at school they are still officially a child.

however once they are 18 and have left school they are by the letter of the law an adult as can start making adult decisions. We have a funny relationship with teenagers in this country. Sometimes they are infantilised an other times they are considered mature adults. We can’t seem to decide what they are able to do for themselves.

I have met some childlike 18 year olds and I have met some who could be 40.

People love who they love. I was in love with a 49 year old man when I was 18. Nothing happened though. Even now, 17 year age gap between me and SO. Age is but a number, sorry, but that's the truth. I didn't think people were still so narrow-minded about this.

To quote "the Ma".

"Sure if that's all you have to worry about, you've got nothing to worry about...".