To think this is beyond grim?

[stunnedbythis]

I was talking to my mum this afternoon, she mentioned that one of her friends is celebrating thirty years living with his boyfriend. It suddenly occurred to me to ask how old they were when they met because her friend doesn't look old enough, and she said he was 18 and his boyfriend was about 32. I knew there was an age gap, but I can't help but think this is really, really grim.

My mum go really defensive about this as she's very close to her friend and to some extent his boyfriend too, but she said things were very different 30 years ago and that it was her friend who did all the chasing (she's know this friend since he was about 16/17 as they worked in the same shop for a while). She said he met this man in a pub and they just hit it off.

My mum is in her 60s now and has a very different outlook, I asked her how she'd feel if one of my children turned 18 and started dating someone in their thirties, but all she could say is "its different now". How is it different?? What am I missing?

They’re clearly happy and the younger chap was an adult when they met - how is this any of your business?

30 years ago was 1997, not 1887. We had plenty of gay people back then 🙄

Your mum is absolutely right that nobody gave a shit about sort of age gap in the 90s. I had a lovely boyfriend in his early 30s when I was 19 in the mid-90s and literally nobody questioned it, including my parents. We got on great, had loads in common and the age gap wasn’t even discussed.

I find it very hard to accept 30 years ago was the 90s TBF. I know it's true. I just can't believe it. There was more acceptance of gay people. There was also still a fair bit of homophobia as well. Sort of a transitional time.

I think when you're involved in an age gap relationship you don't think about it in the same way as you do from an outsiders point of view. This couple have been together 30 years, assuming they're both happy and in an equal, loving relationship, the age they got together is somewhat irrelevant now. They were both over the age of consent too.

In the 90s I was 18 and met my then husband who was 36 we were together for 17 years. Noone batted an eyelid.

If my daughter brought home a 36 year old man at 18 I would look at it from a very different perspective and would definitely be batting my eyelids!!

My mum said no one gave a toss so long as people who were gay didn't go on about it, but that people still had to be careful. I have heard her friend say that he's sick of people making what he calls a song and dance about being gay now, which I actually find really disrespectful as he must know of the difficulties gay people face.

This isn’t really true. Margaret Beaufort was 13 when she gave birth, but that was considered outrageous even at the time.

Yes, unfortunately, in my area it was still very much frowned upon, in the late 90's. I'm ashamed to say.

If it was right now then yes absolutely as the more time has gone on, the more big age gaps are seen as inappropriate

But 30 years ago? It was really normal

Even 15/20 years ago, it was "normal" for me and my school friends 14/15 to be dating 21/22 year olds in their shit corsa's, people didn't bat an eyelid

Thankfully things have changed, but unfortunetly, years ago it was seen as normal

Mine and my friends boyfriends used to pick us up at dinner time in their cars 🙈

Sounds like you just don’t like the couple much TBH

My best friend is gay and is turning 48 soon, his boyfriend is 62, so they have a 14 year age gap too. They’re happy, they’re planning to marry. I don’t find it grim or see what business it is of anyone else’s either.

Someone they clearly had a connection with that has worked out for the long haul.

The type of person who doesnt have to endure busybodies commenting on their 30 year relationship that is clearly a happy one.
Unclutch the pearls and get a life FFS

Thirty years ago is 1996.

a few years before that I was 18 and dated a 28 year old. No comments.

there definitely was NOT the acceptance of gap people in 1996 that there is now. Lots of prejudice.

Very common in gay male relationships. I know of same-sex male couples with bigger age gaps than that. And your mum is right, things were very different 30 years ago. Also he wasn’t 16, he was 18, they were both adults and as other posters have said, they’ve been together 30 years so no harm was done. Yes, some relationships where one partner is significantly older there can be a major power imbalance/the older one can be controlling/abusive. But that’s not the case for all of them. Sometimes people genuinely fall in love with each other despite a large age gap. Doesn’t make it wrong if they’re both adults. Clearly this is one of those relationships

I don't. They're my mums friends so I respect that, but I find it weird that someone who was 18 would be hanging about with people so much older, I mean my mum would have been about 33 by my maths when she met this man, and I have asked her how they came to be friends but she just shrugged her shoulders and said they always had a good laugh together and there were lots of people from her work of all ages who used to go out together after work. She said they just seemed to keep in touch even after they'd both left that place.

Things were different in the 90s. You’re overreacting, OP.

Yeah but when did they meet?

Yanbu
I wouldn’t want my 18 year old seeing a 32 year old.

gird yourself, OP...

My mum is friends with a gay couple who have an nearly 30 year age gap. They have lived together for nearly that amount of time again, 30 years and they married as soon as they were legally able to. I'm not much of a romantic but I know love when I see it. And that is it.

The young one was 22 when they got together, I think

I had an age gap relationship in the last few years, but I increasingly think I should keep quiet about that because people think I'm some sort of child snatcher!

The infantilisation of adults is so depressing.

do you also feel horrified at Richard Gere being married to someone 30 years younger? I suppose you do.

When my friend was 21. Again, not that it’s anyone else’s business.

Are you jealous of your mum’s friendship with them?
They’ve been together a long time. Your mum has been friends with them for a long time. They seem to have good relationships with each other. Why does the age they met matter to you so much, 30 years later?

What on earth has it got to do with you, and why is it odd your mum is friends with people of different ages? Mind your own business.

I really don't understand what your issue is. They were both adults, and have been together for many years. Lots of couples have age gaps. Your thinking is very black and white, and narrow minded.

I know!
Some of the responses on here are like talking about medieval times.
Yes there was AIDS in the 80's but it was well publised because being gay wasn't that shocking.
4 weddings and a Funeral came out in 1994. If a "nice" middle class British film had openly gay male characters, you know it was acceptable.
And Op is talking about a relationship 10 years on from that.