To think this is beyond grim?

[stunnedbythis]

I was talking to my mum this afternoon, she mentioned that one of her friends is celebrating thirty years living with his boyfriend. It suddenly occurred to me to ask how old they were when they met because her friend doesn't look old enough, and she said he was 18 and his boyfriend was about 32. I knew there was an age gap, but I can't help but think this is really, really grim.

My mum go really defensive about this as she's very close to her friend and to some extent his boyfriend too, but she said things were very different 30 years ago and that it was her friend who did all the chasing (she's know this friend since he was about 16/17 as they worked in the same shop for a while). She said he met this man in a pub and they just hit it off.

My mum is in her 60s now and has a very different outlook, I asked her how she'd feel if one of my children turned 18 and started dating someone in their thirties, but all she could say is "its different now". How is it different?? What am I missing?

Well yeah, it is a bit grim, but if they’re still together and happy 30 years later I don’t think any major harm has been done.

They are together 30 years 🤷‍♀️

But that's not my point. What sort of person in their 30's would date someone in their teens???

Times change. Some of the most significant monarchs of the country were born to women in their early teens.

As the years ago by, we learn better and act better.

30 years ago that relationship would have been taboo and hidden because of its homosexual nature. The age gap wouldn't have felt an issue in comparison.

This is very common in the gay community. Not to mention they’ve been together all this time. It’s not really any of your business.

This. I was about to say the same thing.

You’re being very very unreasonable.

Someone who found the right person for them, they’ve been together 30 years and are happy. Put your judgy pants away and get on with your life

And it was different 30/40 years ago.

I don't think that's true, the way my mother speaks there was no secret of their relationship and that they soon moved in together. She said the place she worked in, it was a department store, was full of gay men of all ages.

Together for 30 years - that's enduring love and not grim!!
maybe he was 18 3/4 and mature for his age? Plus sounds like he did the chasing.
Not every age gap relationship (and this was 100% adults together) is some undiscovered case of paedophilia or coercion.

Stop being judgey and see them as aspirational

Our current king for one

Bit late to be judging them don't ya think?

I don’t think it’s “grim” at all. They were both adults.

OP has even chose a name to go with her judgey post,

I only found out today what ages they are. They both look a lot younger than they are, particularly the older one. I just can't get my head around the way my mum talks about life in the 90's as though it was somehow a good excuse for things we wouldn't tolerate now. She says her friend knew how to party and that getting together with a man in his 30's was the least of it, whatever that means. I dread to think.

Age gap judgement is weirdly prevalent on MN. In reality, people have different life experiences - some 18 year olds are much more mature than others and the gap can feel much smaller. But in this instance, they've been together for years anyway, time to hang up those judgy pants OP.

They were both adults.

They’ve also been together for 30 years, so clearly it worked out well for them.

Seems weirdly churlish to me to look at a couple who got together as adults, and have been happy together for 30 years, and think ‘grim’.

Congratulations to the happy couple

It's legal but the power imbalance would worry me if I knew an 18 year old dating a 30 year old.. As they have been (happily?) together for so long I guess it worked out. The same way you sometimes get heterosexual couples who got together at similar ages and it was fine. But I feel the younger person in that situation was lucky the other person didn't take advantage of their experience to control them. I think examples where it all works out are the exception not the rule. I would still be 😐at a situation like that starting.

The fact they are both men is a bit relevant because gay people make up a much smaller percentage of the population than straight people. Dating being a numbers game it can be harder to find someone compatible and therefore gay and lesbian relationships are more likely to be mixed race for example and I think larger age gaps are also less unusual. Of course that doesn't mean gay people can't also be predatory and it doesn't excuse that in any way. And of course, if age gaps are normalised that provides cover for predators. But it doesn't mean your mum's friend was a predator. Additionally they would have coupled up while the AIDS crisis was really kicking of and that would have been a heightened time in terms of not wanting to lose people you were connected to. I think it's harder to judge so long as everyone was legally over the age of consent,

Your mum likely also feels defensive because in the 80s there was a lot more homophobia especially around the AIDS crisis. So her reaction to you is maybe influenced by that

My exhusband was 30 when he left me and our 3 and 2 year old children and set up home with a 17 year old girl from his office

I dated a man aged 33 when I was 18. My parents weren't happy but they met him & my dad thought that he was great & gave us his blessing! It ended after a few months just because we were at different life stages, he was lovely though & I still think fondly of him.

OP, I know you say that the fact that they were gay wasn't a big deal but it jumped out to me from your post, it was a different time back then, for gay people.

To answer your question, I wouldn't say it's 'grim', no.

Stop being so judgy. You get ‘old’ 18 years olds and ‘young’ 30 year olds

as long as they are happy why does it matter?

Shit I just realised 30 years ago was the 90s not the 80s. I'm so old😪ignore what I said about the 80s.