To think this is beyond grim?

[stunnedbythis]

I was talking to my mum this afternoon, she mentioned that one of her friends is celebrating thirty years living with his boyfriend. It suddenly occurred to me to ask how old they were when they met because her friend doesn't look old enough, and she said he was 18 and his boyfriend was about 32. I knew there was an age gap, but I can't help but think this is really, really grim.

My mum go really defensive about this as she's very close to her friend and to some extent his boyfriend too, but she said things were very different 30 years ago and that it was her friend who did all the chasing (she's know this friend since he was about 16/17 as they worked in the same shop for a while). She said he met this man in a pub and they just hit it off.

My mum is in her 60s now and has a very different outlook, I asked her how she'd feel if one of my children turned 18 and started dating someone in their thirties, but all she could say is "its different now". How is it different?? What am I missing?

Why do you care so much? It sounds to me like you really don’t like them so are trying to find reasons that they’re wrong uns to “prove” to your mum that she shouldn’t be friends with them anymore. Gay clubs in the 90s would have had a huge range of ages there. And that would also be one of the most common ways for gay people to meet a partner in the 90s, so they probably met there. Also gay friendship groups were far more diverse age/background/culture wise than they are now and more so than straight friendship groups were back then, because what brought gay people together was being gay rather than being the same age/from the same background/culture etc. Why don’t you like this couple? Pre finding out about the age gap?

Not in 1996 it wouldn't! In 1986 maybe, especially with AIDS.

Why are you so invested in other peoples business? People over the age of consent can have a relationship with anyone they wish.
Just becaue you think its inappropriate doesnt mean its wrong.
Just keep your nosey beak out

"Things we don't tolerate now"?

What the fuck?! We tolerate men identifying as women and children being drugged out of puberty. Are you pretending to think that society has massively advanced in the past 30 years?

They have been together for 30 years! The younger man is nearly 50. They are happy with their relationship, so why set yourself up as a moral arbiter.

I don’t think it’s grim. 18 years old is an adult. They’ve been living together for 30 years too - that’s quite an achievement in this throw away world.
My first reaction would be “good for them”, it’s very telling that your first reaction was to try and find a nasty judgemental angle to belittle that celebration.

@stunnedbythis also this kind of age gap, even now, in a gay male relationship is really not that unusual

Section 28 (forbidding schools from “promoting homosexuality) was passed in 1988 and not repealed until 2003 in England.

schools were literally forbidden from discussing homosexuality in pshe lessons because people thought exposure to ideas about homosexuality was perversion and contrary to traditional moral values.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_28

i was there. Gay relationships were absolutely not considered in the same way as they are today.

I agree OP, although I'll likely get flamed. People will be along shortly to say their parents met when one of them was a teen and the other was in their 30s and they are still blissfully in love, bla bla bla. It happens yes and it "works out" for many people, yes (in the sense that they don't split), but I will admit I still poorly of anyone that much older who sees fit to date someone in their teens.

I think it's just baked into the nature of a relationship with that big of an age gap that the older partner is deliberately seeking someone who is less experienced and less able to hold firm boundaries. I wouldn't trust anyone of 30+ that sought out a relationship with a teenager. It more or less confirms that they are attracted to someone else's vulnerability.

And I also think the younger partner is missing out so much by yoking themself to a much older person at such a formative age. I think its actually worse in heterosexual relationships because of the built-in assumptions about power between men and women and because of the high chance that a woman will get pregnant and stuck with children far too young. But pretty questionable in any relationship.

An 18 year old and a 32 year old yes it’s grim it’s disgusting but I remember in the mid late eighties my friend who was about 14/15 was having meet ups with a 28 year old engaged man and actually had sex with him on his desk at work after hours😳
I do remember being disgusted and telling her he was too old but she wouldn’t listen ..I also remember her boasting about her older boyfriend to friends at school who thought it was cool..even her mum knew but what was accepted back in the eighties half of it would have you locked up now ..different times

Two years, not ten.

I’d probably not be thrilled if my 18 yr old child had a 32 yr old boyfriend. But after 30 yrs he clearly isn’t someone who just wants to sleep with teenagers.

“Octavia64 · Today 19:24
Section 28 (forbidding schools from “promoting homosexuality) was passed in 1988 and not repealed until 2003 in England.
schools were literally forbidden from discussing homosexuality in pshe lessons because people thought exposure to ideas about homosexuality was perversion and contrary to traditional moral values.
^https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section28^
i was there. Gay relationships were absolutely not considered in the same way as they are today.”

@Octavia64 Totally agree - like you, i was there (born 1969). Many people used HIV and AIDS to vilify and isolate gay men.

Hated Thatcher and section 28. Was raised to be a huge fan of Armistead Maupin’s books.

I also - as a young adult in the 1990s - do not think things were hugely different from an age gap perspective. None of my friends had large age gaps in their relationships. I had the largest when, at 29, I started dating my now husband who was then 37. (We met at work).

My very good gay friend (we were flatmates for 2 years) had boyfriends who were similar in age to him, also.

However, i think that some younger gay men had an attraction to older men who could guide them on how to live in a heteronormative world. I agree that that kind of age gap can raise concerns around power balance but they’ve been together 30 years so it’s obviously worked for them.

This. 2 consenting adults in a long term relationship, so what.

This.

Is it all age gap romances you have a problem with or just gay ones?

I was at school in the early 2000s and being gay was absolutely taboo. We regularly ‘accused’ classmates of being lesbians (all girls school) and mocked them for it. We used gay, f*ggy and so on as ‘diss’ words. Lots of jokes about how vile and disgusting we thought being gay was. The girls who did turn out to be lesbians or bisexual didn’t ’come out’ until years after they left. Same for the boys at our twinned boys school.

It was absolutely horrific, so shameful and what’s more, the teachers said nothing or laughed. I can’t actually believe it was only 25 years ago.

Any, when the younger person is still so very young.

@stunnedbythis at 15 my friend dated a 24 year old her parents allowed it as well.

You dread to think? 😂 Jesus wept, your mother's probably thinking where the fuck has this straitlaced daughter of mine come from?!

There is a gay couple on Gogglebox who have a large age gap. I admit I assumed they were father and son and they've joked on the programme about waiters etc saying the same. They are clearly happy though.

I think it's nobody else's business after thirty years. It's long time to groom someone!

He was likely insecure in his sexuality and young enough to have no life experience about how to navigate it. Of course a slightly older, confident man would’ve appealed, somebody to turn to for guidance and to navigate his new world with. He was never going to get trapped by being pregnant, so could walk away at any time. Who the fuck are we to judge?

I was a right fag hag (the name my gay friends gave me before anyone gets offended) in the late 80s and early 90s and there was still a lot of prejudice. It was often very difficult for people to come out to family or be out at work.

I’m not sure that’s totally reasonable. A lot of people wouldn’t be happy with an 18 yr old girl and a 32 yr old man.

You're coming across as extremely committed to your pov and something of a pearl clutcher.

May-December relationships are a thing in the gay male community. They go by a different term in the community.

Why are you so invested in this?

Well the way my mum talks about it, her friend - the younger one - was the one who went out of his way to get the other man's attention. TBF, the older one is very quiet, my mum's friend can be very over the top. She laughs when she speaks about what he was like when they worked together. I don't get it.