To think this is beyond grim?

[stunnedbythis]

I was talking to my mum this afternoon, she mentioned that one of her friends is celebrating thirty years living with his boyfriend. It suddenly occurred to me to ask how old they were when they met because her friend doesn't look old enough, and she said he was 18 and his boyfriend was about 32. I knew there was an age gap, but I can't help but think this is really, really grim.

My mum go really defensive about this as she's very close to her friend and to some extent his boyfriend too, but she said things were very different 30 years ago and that it was her friend who did all the chasing (she's know this friend since he was about 16/17 as they worked in the same shop for a while). She said he met this man in a pub and they just hit it off.

My mum is in her 60s now and has a very different outlook, I asked her how she'd feel if one of my children turned 18 and started dating someone in their thirties, but all she could say is "its different now". How is it different?? What am I missing?

😆

It's not at all unusual for 2 men in a same sex couple to have a bit of an age gap. 18 years isn't even that big in their world. 18 and 32 isn't awful, and certainly not really really GRIM!

30 years ago was 1996. Not exactly the dark ages. The age of consent (for gay men) was reduced from 21 to 18 in 1994. Neither man did anything wrong.

They have been together 30 years. Good for them! Why is their private business anything to do with you @stunnedbythis ? Why are you so invested, and so 'STUNNED?!' 😱

Maybe that’s one of things that’s a problem nowadays ? I’ve socialised with people from 18 – 80+ all my adult life; why would anyone want to restrict their social circle to people within a few years of their own age ?

My late Sister-in-law and I both married men about 15 years older than we were. Horror, of horrors, we were most definitely not power played (she and I always ‘worn the trousers’ !). S-i-l and brother would have been married 50 years this year. My husband and I, will be 50 years next year.

Damn, we bucked your views didn’t we ? I’m still fairly new to Mumsnet but I am quite surprised at how backward thinking many of the younger generations are.

I imagine it's hard enough to find a partner when you are gay, especially 30 years ago, so the age gap was probably the least of their concerns.

When one of your children turns 18 then they will no longer be a child.

You need to look at it in the context of gay
history. 30 years ago was the mid-90s. There had just been the aids crisis. A lot of gay men in their 20s and 30s had just died - the dating pool was an awful lot smaller.

It's not grim at all, either then or now.

If nothing else, when you are a minority dating within that limited pool, being picky over age gaps is not necessarily an option.

I am happy for this couple that they have defied the odds, to have a happy 30 year relationship despite societal prejudice and judgement from randomers who were barely born when they met.

Why would you dread to think? Why do you need to think about it at all?

You don’t get out much do you?

This 👆.
I do hope you didn’t say to your mum that you thought the relationship that her close friend had with his partner was grim.

I agree OP, that's a pretty major age gap for the age that they met - too big, imo! Although I shouldn't really talk as I have an 8 year age gap myself, which makes me a bit of a hypocrite.

Anyway, while I do understand your feelings of judgement...there's not really much point in getting het up over your mum's friend's gay relationship of thirty years, is there?

I don’t really understand the logic of the posters saying the age gap is too big. They appear to have a successful relationship of 30 years. In that context, how is the age gap “too
big”?

I find it weird that you can’t imagine how an 18-year-old might ‘hang out’ with a 32-year-old. 18-year-olds do go to the same pubs and bars, do the same hobbies, study the same uni courses and have jobs in the same places as people in their early 30s, you know. You get to know someone through seeing them regularly. I had friends at uni who were in their 30s. I had work friends who were in their 30s and older in my jobs at that age too. Why do you think I wouldn’t have had lots in common with them? If you’re doing the same job, socialising in the same places, consuming the same media, laughing at the same jokes etc you’re going to have things in common.

Why the fuck do they have to justify to you what they have in common, or be judged "grim"? People socialise with who they want to socialise with, for whatever reasons of their own they may or may not be able to articulate.

I honestly don't get why some people on this forum are so obsessed by this issue, and seem to think they have a seat on some solemn Relationship Approval Panel that consenting adults have to apply to before they're allowed to fraternise together. Is it because if they can't show what they have in common, it might mean the relationship is mainly motivated by SEX? Which is of course an absolutely evil reason to have a relationship.

Even one that lasts for 30 years.

It isn’t uncommon in gay relationships. Usually one party is more financially settled and mature.

I think, and I will put this as delicately as I can (ànd I don't want to perpetuate stereotypes) that what you as a young woman want out of life/nightlife/relationships is different to what a gay man might want, (or at least the gay man being discussed). That doesn't mean gay men can't be in exploitative situations or relationships. But the fact that he "knew how to party"** as an 18 year old in the 90s doesn't mean he was suffering in some way. Any more than you would be suffering not going to crazy club nights and taking MDMA. He settled down at quite a young age and it seems to have worked out so its all good. People like different things in the 90s and today. So long as noone is being exploited or harmed it's best not to worry or dread to think about what a gay adult man was doing in the 90s.

** E

They've been together a long time and they're happy. I don't see anything wrong with it.

Not all 18 year olds have the same cognitive ability, maturity, personality, interests etc the sooner we realise this the better society will be. I was very mature and very much an old soul at 18, other people I know are still immature in their 30s

For some reason it's a bit different for gay men and big age gaps are reasonably common, in lesbian relationships too. If they are happy and they clearly are if they are celebrating 30 years, then who cares?

Perfectly fine and normal. It will have been part of the younger fellow's education. We're regressing to Victorian levels of puritanism. Good luck to the both of them. Sounds like a sweet relationship.

People grew up quicker 30 years ago. A lot of people left school at 16 and went straight into work. Far, far more than now. They could have their own flat at 18.

Why start a thread you’ve literally shot down everyone who doesn’t agree with you with you ( practically everyone)

An old school friend got together with a man who I believe was 58 when she was 18/19. Her mum hit the roof and wouldn’t speak to her for years. We all found it hilarious because he wasn’t even remotely good looking, we said we’d get it more if he were George Clooney or something. This was 14 years ago, they’re married now with 2 kids.

So I mean that age gap is way worse, he had children older than her ffs but they’ve made it work so I guess must be in love. I wouldn’t be happy if it were my DC either. I’m 32 now and I teach 18 year olds, they are not sexually attractive and are children in my eyes.

You sound fun.