To leave my DD and go to CentreParcs?

[GReenasheet]

DD is 34 and six months pregnant. Unfortunately she is on her own in this pregnancy (first child) as her partner has walked out. I don’t know the exact circumstances as she had only known him
a couple of years. She’s now moved back to her own home she was previously renting out. She hasn’t heard from him for several months.

Very understandably she is in a state though been coping as well as she can. It’s caused DH and I a lot of stress as we fear she is going to be very reliant on us when the baby is born. It’s been a worrying time and a few months ago our other daughter had planned a week at centre Parca for her and her husband, her two dc and her in laws and us. It’s been in the diary for months.

Our pregnant DD found out on Friday that she has gestational diabetes, she’s slim and eats well so we were surprised by this. She’s been on the phone all weekend and saying she doesn’t want to be alone this week and asking me not to go to centre par a so I can stay with her. We’ve invited her and said we will drive if she drives to our house (on the way to centre parcs for her) and she’s been shouting at me and making me feel awful saying she doesn’t want to go there with her sister’s in laws and she doesn’t want to travel etc. It’s only an hour away and the change of scenery would be so good for her. DH has said absolutely not to give in to her and that we’ve offered for her to come and it’s been booked for months.

I don’t think IABU necessarily but wondering what others would do as DD is making me feel horrendous about going. It’s fair to go if we’ve invited her to come?

This is obviously nothing to do with GD. It’s that she is having a baby as a single mum, and you going on holiday with a picture perfect family is more than she can handle. She’ll have to get used to it. It’s great you invited her on the trip; a mature 34yo would have bitten your hand off at the opportunity to spend a week wit loving family who she’s going to need more than she recognises. You could tell her this, if you fancy stating the bleeding obvious to her.

@Whyarepeople you're implying that OP should drop everything that she has planned, and go and sit with her adult home-owning daughter. She’s saying (actually shouting) that OP should abandon her plans with her other daughter, and let down her grandchildren. She’s saying she should sacrifice her own holiday, that she’s been looking forward to for months.

I would have to have something very very wrong with me to demand that my mother came and sat with me for a week, missing something she’d been looking forward to. And I say this as someone who broke up with my ex when my baby was 2 weeks old, and had to move house on my own. So it’s not as if I don’t know how hard life alone can be.

She's 34 and has no children to look after
She's 6 months pregnant not 9months. There's literally no reason to stay, sounds like youll be giving up a lot of time to her once baby is here if she cant even look after herself for a week now.

Your other dd also needs your time.

@Gloriia so you’d prioritise one of your children over the other child and your grandchildren? What do you think OP can actually do for her pregnant DD that she can’t do from CP?

Have you been to CP? It's non stop trudging about with squealing kids everywhere. If I were 6m pregnant with gestational diabetes it'd be the last place I'd go with a sibling's inlaws to boot.

Wouldn't some of want to support your anxious daughter? Such intolerance and lack of kindness.

@Gloriia tell us what support OP should be offering in the next few days specifically.

I'd prioritise a stressed dd yep. The other one has inlaws going they'll be fine.

You’ve invited her which is a lovely thing to do, if she doesn’t want to go then that’s on her

Yes she’s going through a tough time but you have given her the option of not being alone.

I had GD and was slim with a good diet. It isn’t really to do with size although as pp’s have said, you can be more at risk if you are a larger lady but it just means she needs to monitor her bloods and let them know if she can’t manage it with her diet in which case they will start her on meds. If you’re only away for a week physically she should be fine. Your other daughter and GC’s will be so disappointed if you don’t go

Sorry yes but people who think that op should cancel the holiday and that the daughter is reasonable to need this constant support, need to get a grip and teach themselves and their dc some resilience. Yes it’s ok to help family in times of need but she’s an adult and absolutely fine. She does not need babysitting by her mummy, she is 34 !

I can speak from experience, I had my first baby alone at age 21, babies father left me at 12 weeks pregnant. I had lived with him and was at uni, I had to get my own place, including all furniture. With my own money which meant pausing uni and getting a second job while pregnant. I flew abroad at 24 weeks pregnant, completely alone as I needed a break, I met family abroad but I stayed in my own hotel and did my own thing. I worked up until the day I gave birth, I actually went into labour at work and was 41 weeks pregnant. I laboured alone and my mum joined me on my way to hospital and I arrived there 9cm dilated.
I spent lots of time with my mum during pregnancy but I did everything myself and didn’t rely on anyone.
Also my baby was poorly and we didn’t know if she was going to be okay when born. She did have to have lots of hospital stays and treatment for her first two years of life, again I did all this alone , while holding down a job. If a 21 year old can do this a 34 year old should be more than capable of coping alone for a week.

some people need to grow up and stop babying their adult dc. It’s sad for the dd that her partner left, but she is an adult who decided to continue with the pregnancy, so she has to deal with the consequences of that adult decision.

Well it's just being there isn't it. Listening, being company. It's weird I have to explain how to support someone clearly feeling a bit shit but here we are.

Yes she’s being unreasonable and over sensitive about not wanting you to go on this trip however she’s in the most vulnerable stage of her life at the moment and it’s been turned upside down on her without her having any say.

YABU to say “It’s caused DH and I a lot of stress as we fear she is going to be very reliant on us when the baby is born.”

Have some empathy and compassion for the child. Of course she’s going to be reliant on you, she’s had her partner walk out on her mid pregnancy and you’re her parents.

You say 'I would have to have something very very wrong with me to demand that my mother came and sat with me for a week.' I would assume in this situation there is something very wrong with the DD, which is why she's upset and asking for support. Everyone else seems to be making a different assumption, namely that she's just being manipulative. The OP hasn't stated that.

I would absolutely abandon plans, no matter how much I looked forward to them, if my DD needed me. Equally if my mother came on holiday and left my pregnant distraught sister without help I'd be pretty annoyed with her. But then no one in my family needs to prove they need help - they can just ask for it and they'll get it, largely because no one abuses that privilege. I realise this isn't true of all families.

I'm sorry you didn't have help when your ex left you with a newborn. That isn't how it should be.

I have, lots of times. But pregnant DD doesn't HAVE to trudge about! What's stopping her staying in bed all day in her accommodation? Nobody's going to force her to take part in activities (although walking about a bit would likely help her GD - I was advised to take gentle exercise when I had it).

CP isn't a prison camp. Nobody has to do anything they don't want to. She could even book in at the spa! But no, everyone has to stay home with her... She has options, but it's her way or the highway, seemingly.

Who said she’s got to trudge around with them?

She can relax away from them, and join them for company when she feels like it.

She’s not an invalid.

Totally agree with this, it sounds like your DD is used to being the centre of attention and is becoming a spoilt brat wanting you to cancel your trip! Gestational diabetes in pregnancy is really common and a a ridiculous reason to want you to stay behind. It would be good to make a point of putting your other daughter first this time.

I think there’s something rather sinister and toxic about people who demand that others miss out on enjoyment, in order to be at their beck and call 24-7. It’s as if they can cope OK when their supporters are just living their normal lives, but if they sense that their supporters are going to have some fun, they have to put the blockers on it.

It’s the sort of thing abusers do to their partners when partner is going on a long awaited night out.

There’s no way I’d scream at a loved one who needed a break, guilt-tripping them into staying with me, unless it was literally life and death.

As much as I feel awful for her situation, this will be her first lesson from you in not being reliant on you. That you won’t be dropping everything at her request and that she needs to stand on her own two feet, responsible for herself and the baby and not expect you to pick up the pieces. It’s tough, but necessary.

YANBU to go, especially as you've invited her to join you.

She needs to grow up, frankly. She's about to become a parent yet she's acting like a toddler. Suspect you're in for a difficult time with her...

And she no doubt feels that she’s the very first woman to ever get pregnant!
Give in to her at your peril OP ……… understandably, the GD diagnosis came as a bit of a shock but thousand of woman get this, it is manageable and isn’t a life sentence.
Go to Centre Parc and have a break.

@Gloriia But they don’t live together. So she wouldn’t be sitting with her anyway. Or if the daughter wants company she could come and chill out in a cabin at centreparcs. Spend some time with her family, nieces/nephews. Distract herself a bit. She’s pregnant and going to be a single mum. She’s not been diagnosed with terminal cancer!!

OP’s daughter is not the only person in the world. OP is a person too. It’s weird that I have to explain that other people have feelings too, but here we are.

You should be really proud of yourself that you managed such a tough situation so well at that age.

That said, you absolutely deserved support and help at every step from the people who loved you. Maybe you preferred not to have help, which is your choice, or maybe there was other reasons you did most of it alone, but whatever the reason, it is 100% normal for loving parents to provide a very high level of support in that situation. It's not 'babying' to not want to see your children struggle when you can step in and help.

Heck I'd have helped you just as a friend, never mind as a mother!

YANBU of course but I think your daughter is very frightened and struggling after her partner walked out and she is unfortunately lashing out.

That is not to say back down at all but perhaps offer to spend some time one on one with her another time? You can go to a spa or out for lunch somewhere, whatever she would enjoy - and let her know she can open up to you. She is going through a difficult time.

You said you are worried she will be leaning on you? I do find that part a bit surprising tbh!

One of my childhood friends was abandoned in pregnancy in her 20s and we all rallied round happily from the moment her kid was born . I used to take her toddler two nights a week at one point. She’s not even a blood relative but I saw her as family and stepped up like many of her other friends.

What a crock. Crisis indeed. She’s a 34 year old woman that needs to get some perspective fast!

What about OPs other grandchildren she’d be letting down?

@Whyarepeople OP has said her DD is a few months pregnant and single for several months, and has recently found out she has gestational diabetes. If there’s more to it, OP hasn’t said, so we have to assume that’s all there is. And that would not warrant disrupting everyone’s plans in my opinion. I suppose some people are just more needy than others, and just assume that other people are there to serve them, and have no needs of their own. Selfish is the word I’d use actually.

Agree with the minority here. I think your daughter is struggling and I too was struck by your concern that she would be leaning on you once the baby is born. Is that not what families do, support one another?