Forgot to take my friend to her hospital appointment- how do I fix this!?

[MamaBee22]

First time posting so please bare with me..

I forgot to take my best friend of 20 years to her colosopy appt. We'd arranged for me to take her and stay with her/bring her back, but the date changed to half term. No childcare and hubby at work so I still offered to drop her off and pick her up. She mentioned a few days prior and I said yeah no problem still good to go.

Fast forward to the day of appt. My DC has a chest infection so had to get her a drs appointment and being completely truthful it just slipped my mind. I didn't realise until it was too late and she text me saying have you forgot?

Obviously I went into panic mode and no deflection, I own my mistake and there's no excuse I shouldn't have forgot. I'm only human and it just slipped my mind. I apologised and said I understand why she'd be cross but let me know how it went.

I'm am a dependable friend 99% of the time. I am the most constant person in her life (she's single) and have never let her down before.

She ignored me for a couple of days and then sent a text saying how pissed off she was, people always let her down and its a difficult thing to forget and she doesn't want to talk about it.

Apart from giving her space, is there anything I can do to fix this? I feel sad to loose my friend over a stupid mistake.

Sadly she can be known to use silence as a form of punishment and has definitely tried to make me feel as guilty as possible. Obviously I can take that on the chin, it is my fault, but I have a horrible feeling she will continue to bring this up long term.

Thank you

@MamaBee22 I think your friend needs to perhaps take some of the responsibility here too...

Did she phone/message you the night before saying "what time are you picking me up tomorrow?"? Because she absolutely should have done that! Expecting people with kids just to remember is tempting fate!

Also, you had a poorly child to deal with, which means other things get forgotten, so if you hadn't had a reminder the night before, it's not surprising you forgot.

Personally I think your friend was nuts to ask someone with kids in half term to take them and collect them from a hospital appointment.

Well it is what it is, you obviously need a better calendar and organisation system, perhaps you should flick over your diary/wall calendar/phone every other day before bed ro see what's coming up

You've apologised and you're normally a great reliable friend to her so I wouldn't put up with feeling too guilty or over apologising, she can choose to forgive and move on or not now..

I personally would/she should have rung on the day really when you didn't text to say you were on the way or the night before to confirm. But I get why she wouldn't since she checked in a few days before and if you're normally reliable

Oh wow you got my reply deleted 😆 it wasn't a personal attack, we are allowed to use the F word on mumsnet, and I wasn't swearing AT you FFS

The message you've updated having sent her is perfect. You're doing a lot of minimising on this thread but you didn't to her which is the main thing.

It's not just the procedure itself, it's that you're there because there's a higher than usual risk of cervical cancer that makes it so stressful- it must have been upsetting to have been let down. But you've done all you can do now- I think flowers and chocs etc comes across as a bit manipulative, like you're trying to force her to immediately be OK . You've made a heartfelt apology. Ball's in her court now.

It was her fault; and she is very sorry to have caused hurt; OP isn't denying she was wrong and isnt denying she has work to do to fix the situation, but it wasnt intentional, and OP is trying to mend the hurt.

Trying to guilt trip someone for something where accountability is already acknowledged, it is owned not denied. Using guilt in that situation is wrong, its a form of manipulation.

What else is guilt for? You tell me, when is using guilt ever acceptable?

I was going to say something similar. I find it really hard asking for help as I don’t have a village. It’s an awful feeling knowing you’ve got a reduced support network and being forced to reach out for help, and then being let down. I would feel pretty upset by this.

Why didn’t she message you the night before? I can understand she’s upset but she didn’t exactly help herself. even if I’m meeting a friend or getting an airport pick up I text with a still on for tomorrow? Let alone something unmissable like this. You have a busy half term and unwell kids. So the procedure and prep is unpleasant but some pp above seem to think that’s your burden to carry. It isn’t. hopefully she’ll come round but if she doesn’t I don’t think I’d miss someone with such a capacity to bear a grudge. If it was me, and given she got there ok things had gone well, I’d draw a line under it.

Would your friend accompany you to an appointment? It's just that your post comes across a bit with her as a victim (let down by friends/family) and you as somehow responsible for her.

You have apologised (rightly so) and she can accept it or not. She didn't struggle to sort out her appt without you so perhaps next time you have the kids/no childcare etc and she wants help with something she can organise another way say no, sorry, you have enough on your plate.

If they can’t scrape enough cells off the cervix they also send you for one. It’s a very minor procedure over and done with in less than a minute and also no need not to not drive home afterwards! No sedation etc.
op I think your friend is being an attention seeking drama queen! You’ve apologised multiple times to her and offered to pick her up! What more does she want? Blood?!?!

I know you didn’t forget her on purpose but that’s pretty shitty of you not to have at least written on your calendar or put a reminder on your phone , especially as you said you’re juggling half term and poorly children.
She was probably understandably anxious and worried already and now most probably feels like she isn’t important enough to you.
Personally, I wouldn’t wait a few days, I’d send her a lovely bouquet of flowers and a heartfelt note.

OP it doesn’t make a difference to your friend whether it was a mistake or not.

The thing that feels particularly hurtful in the context of her life is that she is not central to anyone else’s life, in the way family or a partner is, so she’s easier to forget about.

It’s easier for these mistakes to happen where she’s concerned. You wouldn't have forgotten the appointment if it was your husband’s or your child’s, because those people are woven into the fibre of your daily life and there wouldn’t have been room to forget. That’s not a criticism - it’s just the way things are.

Her feeling let down and forgotten about by people generally in her life is not your responsibility or fault. But it is how she feels.

You can hear that separately from her legit disappointment in your letting her down on this occasion.

But you will have to sit with your own guilt and discomfort about the impact (both practical and emotional) your forgetting has had on her, and not expect her to take the discomfort away for you.

God no. Don't say that stuff about guilt. That would be adding insult to injury.

If she does keep piling the guilt on, you can just apologise and say you understand she's upset and you will give her some space.

Tbh, I don't understand why she didn't remind you. If I was in that position, I'd have sent a message in the morning thanking you again and saying see you at x time.

When you’re a mum and you have a poorly child with a chest infection then THAT does take over your brain and overrides everything else as you are concerned with a child who may behaving difficulty breathing etc! A normal response from a friend in this scenario would be oh no poor x i quite understand my appointment going out of your head! Not a problem I’ll just drive myself as it’s only a minor procedure and you keep little x indoors and warm as I wouldn’t want you to have to bring him out unnecessarily when he’s ill! THAT is a NORMAL response not ignoring the op and being stroppy with them! She’s clearly very self entitled and selfish

I think you both slipped up, she should have texted on the day to remind you, and you should have put a reminder in your phone calendar. I'm not surprised she is annoyed but she could easily have avoided it happening. And she got to the appointment anyway so no harm done.

I didn't get anything deleted.

So you forgot because your child got sick enough to go to the doctors on the same day? All you can do is apologise and hope she moves on from this but you can’t make her. Don’t beat yourself up about it, you weren’t malicious, it wasn’t because you don’t care, your child was ill and that took priority at that time.

You keep saying things like this. Not downplaying it, BUT, I know it's my fault, BUT, not making excuses, BUT, no deflecting, BUT. You're doing all of those things.

Maybe read the full thread before posting an angry reply that’s not relevant

You’re only human! You can forget things!

You apologized, didn’t make excuses, told her the truth. If you want, bring her some flowers or take her out, otherwise she needs to get over it and move on.

I think you mean a cone biopsy of her cervix - and yes people get one to check they don’t have cancer so I can imagine she was upset.

You've apologised. Mistakes happen. My friend forgot she was looking after youngest DS during the service for my dad's funeral.

The majority of what I said still stands even though the op got the procedures mixed up. Promising someone you will take them to a hospital appointment and then forgetting when we all know how horrific waiting times are is not ok.

Oh don’t be such a looking drama Llama! It was a 2 min procedure that’s very straightforward and simple and the op had a genuine medical condition to deal with with an ill child! Guilt?!! Over forgetting an appointment for an adult who was perfectly able to go herself on her own - and did! - now she’s giving her the silent treatment to punish her? 🙄 jeez if she carried on like that I’d tell her to grow up!

Ok you let her down but the night before she should have reminded you and the morning it’s normal to say see you in an hour etc she’s partly responsible

OP, you should obviously have set a reminder for yourself but you forgot and you’ve apologised.

im assuming your friend doesn’t drive? How did she get there in the end- taxi? I drove to and from mine when I had the same procedure with no issue.

just leave her to it now. Don’t go mad buying flowers, sending cards etc. you made a mistake because you had a poorly child, you’ve apologised. I wouldn’t keep fawning- there’s nothing more you can do.