Forgot to take my friend to her hospital appointment- how do I fix this!?

[MamaBee22]

First time posting so please bare with me..

I forgot to take my best friend of 20 years to her colosopy appt. We'd arranged for me to take her and stay with her/bring her back, but the date changed to half term. No childcare and hubby at work so I still offered to drop her off and pick her up. She mentioned a few days prior and I said yeah no problem still good to go.

Fast forward to the day of appt. My DC has a chest infection so had to get her a drs appointment and being completely truthful it just slipped my mind. I didn't realise until it was too late and she text me saying have you forgot?

Obviously I went into panic mode and no deflection, I own my mistake and there's no excuse I shouldn't have forgot. I'm only human and it just slipped my mind. I apologised and said I understand why she'd be cross but let me know how it went.

I'm am a dependable friend 99% of the time. I am the most constant person in her life (she's single) and have never let her down before.

She ignored me for a couple of days and then sent a text saying how pissed off she was, people always let her down and its a difficult thing to forget and she doesn't want to talk about it.

Apart from giving her space, is there anything I can do to fix this? I feel sad to loose my friend over a stupid mistake.

Sadly she can be known to use silence as a form of punishment and has definitely tried to make me feel as guilty as possible. Obviously I can take that on the chin, it is my fault, but I have a horrible feeling she will continue to bring this up long term.

Thank you

OP - yes it’s bad form for forgetting her appointment, however, your child with a pre existing respiratory medical issue was ill, unfortunately your child takes priority. So even if you remembered you were supposed to go with her, you would’ve had to let her down. From what you’ve said about her, she’d probably take umbrage with that too!

Stop pandering to her, her behaviour is really shitty, guilt tripping you and giving you the silent treatment l for what was a genuine mistake whilst you were most likely dealing with the stress of a very poorly child.

She’s a grown adult and needs to grow up! It was bad enough she still wanted you to take her, knowing you were going to have to drag your DC out with you both, but now she’s just being ridiculous. Let her cut her nose off and just don’t bother with her again. What does she add to your life? As it seems like she expects an awful lot from you.

What's done is done, you've apologised, she's expressed how she feels.

It's been less than a week, let it breathe and look after your kid.

I agree.

Yes, you forgot and you shouldn't have
but
You had a sick child, no alternative childcare available.
However,
You did your best to make amends,

• offered to drop her there
• and pick her up when the appointment was over. -
• She was in a huff and wouldn't accept that. That is down to her
• She then acted the martyr and did it on her own.. as far as we know. To make your actions seem a lot worse.

A sincere apology, a nice bunch of flowers and the kind texts you've been sending sound enough to me.

I have to go to hospital appointments and I have had someone come with me sometimes, they are not there during the procedure... the staff don't want that...they are in the waiting room.. as you would have been had you been allowed to drop off and pick up. But I have done, and can do it on my own. The hospital staff are there to take care of you during the appointment.

I get that it made her fed up, but she went on to make it worse for herself and I completely disagree with people who use the silent treatment as "punishment"

You don't deserve punishment from a friend. You are trying to make amends and frankly, from what you've also said about her previous behaviour she doesn't sound like muich of a friend but does expect you to always go the extra mile for her.

I don't think, after attempts to make amends, you should continue to beat yourself up over this. If she thinks its ok to punish you... I would be takign a step back .

I agree.

She should have done something like this - instead of waiting for the time to approach and then messaging 'you've forgotten haven't you?'.

I am going to sound cold here - but from your previous posts OP I'm getting that she regularly claims people 'let her down'.

If she really wanted to avoid that - she would have called you in the morning or text you. Then made alternative arrangements when she found out your child was ill.

You have apologised - give her space - let her decide what happens from there. But no need to continuously beat yourself up.

Not good. She needs more reliable friends.

Yes but that nhs guidance says if you’ve had sedation you need someone to drive you. I’ve had this procedure and in no way felt it necessary to be sedated or to have someone drive me. Obvs others might prefer sedation but it is not a procedure which requires sedation.

Give her space. She's hurt that you forgot her. I understand forgetting I forget things a lot. I have actual brain damage that makes this happen. I would 99% remember something like this, it would be in my paper diary, on my phone, and have an alarm set for it. If I did forget, I would understand someone being annoyed even though it might not be my fault really.

I’m not sure there’s much you can do. These sorts of things are difficult to arrange for a single person and she was relying on you.

Give her space and time.

And I notice that in your opening post you start to try to shift some responsibility onto her. Don’t do this. If you’re not aviator your friend to rely on for something like a colonoscopy (a horrible procedure) then don’t offer.

But don’t make her disappointment in you HER character flaw.

I suspect it isnt so much that you couldnt take her in the end but that you forgot and she had to scramble for an alternative way to get there as you didnt let her know. I empathise with a poorly child as DS struggled with his chest and its so stressful and its understandable your child comes first, but can see why she is upset as well. I dont think there is a magic wand to make it right, can see why it slipped your mind but can also see why she feels like she does. You have been honest and as long as not a pattern i am sure in time she will get past it. If she doesnt then her choice ultimately but it would be a shame.

It sounds like you are taking on so much for your friend that she compares other friends to you and no wonder they're failing, nobody else can live up to her expectations because you're doing far more than a friend should. In a way you may be making it harder for her if you're showing an idealised view of what she can expect from people.

In a normal friendship you'd tell her that your young child is ill, she'd ask questions and insist that you cancel plans to take your friend to the hospital, knowing that you're probably not going to have a good night's sleep, and then have to put children in the car to drive your friend to an appointment, one of whom has asthma and a chest infection? No.

It is not your responsibility that she is single. Stop trying to fix the holes in her life.

Did you look into the drama triangle idea? It does sound more like you've taken on the role of rescuer, which can make it harder for her to stop being a victim.

I hope your child is feeling better.

Maybe her ability to bear a grudge and remain aggrieved even when someone - normally totally dependable - has apologised to the max explains why she is single!!

Sorry but I can’t bear people who sulk and won’t accept a genuine apology when things go wrong. She should be grateful she has a friend who is so supportive.

But she'd asked her friend to take and also come with her to an appointment that may lead to a cancer diagnosis. It's fine to rely on that promise. Appointments like that are frightening becuase of the uncertainty of the diagnosis. If you have a settled plan and you are relying on a friend you could be caught short depending on where you live and taxi availability.

@MamaBee22 The fact you forgot showed both you and her that something signifigicant to her didn't matter to you. You need to accept that and own it. It may have been a genuine mistake but it wouldn't have happened if the person and their appointment mattered to you. Would you have forgotten if it was your child? or your mother? No.

She's having a stressful time and you've let her down when she really needed you. If you want to fix this, you will need to hugely demonstrate you are sorry by actions, a big bunch of flowers that someone else suggested is a drop in the ocean. A genuine heartfelt letter of apology sent now together with an offer to do something lovely for her is the sort of approach you need. or major face to face grovelling once time but not too much time has passed.

You need to really understand how devastating this was likely to be in a frightening and stressful situation for your friend - not just the immediate effect of scrambling to get to an appointment, whether she could do anything about it, stress on the day, impact on her health and treatment - but a sense of no one caring and being abandoned. It can't be just dismissed as 'a mistake' because its more than that here.

Aviator? 😕

Well if she doesn't speak to you again, she's the one cutting off her nose to spite her face. Not ideal you forgot, definitely requires some proper apologising, but you've apologised enough. I expect she'll come crawling back when she finds there's no one else who would be willing to support her the way you do.

I hope you did mention a bit of what was going on on your end. Was she being an attentive friend and asking about your child, or does the friendship only go one way?

Why are you doing it?

@MamaBee22 are you normally a reliable friend?

If yes, then don’t chase your friend…you’ve apologised and using silence as a punishment is not a healthy dynamic. If she knows you’re usually a good friend then she needs to accept that you are human and made a mistake.

Of course, if you’re a bit shit as a friend, then I can understand her reaction…

I would let her stew to be honest, it’s really not the worst thing in the world that’s happened and your friend is really going too far with her reaction. You’re human, mistakes happen, you owned it and apologised but there is no way I’d be letting it be a stick she beats me with any further.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t make any further contact and let her come to you when she’s cooled down. I’d also refuse to discuss it again and if she can’t “forgive” you for an honest mistake, I’d let the friendship drift.

I’ll be honest I don’t have that time in my life for a friend who relies on me so heavily when I have a family of my own. It’s just not possible.

Available

my phone hates me sometimes

Such deriding a message. So appall.

The fact you forgot showed both you and her that something signifigicant to her didn't matter to you.

Everything @user295038904830290 says. Her post is very wise and might help you understand why your friend seems to you to be disproportionately upset.

Quote:
"She does have other friends, sibling and her parents but I guess as the closest person to her she wanted me there as they aren't always reliable."

How is that "no village"
Why do you say "I also have no village".. in reference to her?

I don't think you have yet said - does she do anything for you? Would she take you to an appointment?

Yes you forgot your friends appointment but beyond that I don't know why you are painting her as a victim?

I think factors like the date changing, OPs dd being unwell and no reminder text didn’t help

Some of the replies here are heartless.

This is a significant appointment because it may be a precursor to a cancer diagnosis.

If she is single, she will be used to dealing with life alone. Asking a friend to take you to an appointment like this is a significant thing and the day itself would be deeply stressful anyway. Being let down at the last minute is horrendous for anything - a taxi not turning up when you are going to see a film or a show or trying to catch a train. If you are facing a health crisis being let down when you are a single person who is already facing it alone is likely to make you feel utterly shit at a point where you though you could rely on someone taking you there.

It's not like a trip to get your nails done.