Forgot to take my friend to her hospital appointment- how do I fix this!?

[MamaBee22]

First time posting so please bare with me..

I forgot to take my best friend of 20 years to her colosopy appt. We'd arranged for me to take her and stay with her/bring her back, but the date changed to half term. No childcare and hubby at work so I still offered to drop her off and pick her up. She mentioned a few days prior and I said yeah no problem still good to go.

Fast forward to the day of appt. My DC has a chest infection so had to get her a drs appointment and being completely truthful it just slipped my mind. I didn't realise until it was too late and she text me saying have you forgot?

Obviously I went into panic mode and no deflection, I own my mistake and there's no excuse I shouldn't have forgot. I'm only human and it just slipped my mind. I apologised and said I understand why she'd be cross but let me know how it went.

I'm am a dependable friend 99% of the time. I am the most constant person in her life (she's single) and have never let her down before.

She ignored me for a couple of days and then sent a text saying how pissed off she was, people always let her down and its a difficult thing to forget and she doesn't want to talk about it.

Apart from giving her space, is there anything I can do to fix this? I feel sad to loose my friend over a stupid mistake.

Sadly she can be known to use silence as a form of punishment and has definitely tried to make me feel as guilty as possible. Obviously I can take that on the chin, it is my fault, but I have a horrible feeling she will continue to bring this up long term.

Thank you

It was a coloscopy. When she first mentioned it, I of course offered to take her, sit with her and then bring her home.
However, she got offered a date in half term when my husband was working. We don't have a village, just us 2 so not wanting to let her down, I said okay I can't stay with you but I can bring the kids with me to drop off and collect you. I saw her several times in between saying that and her appointment, and thought I had put it in my calender but I just forgot.

Not trying to make annoying excuses, I know I've done wrong, I'm just trying to be honest.

I've been there for her every other time, I am the constant in her life and I do feel so so sad that I let her down, especially because I know she's been let down before by other friends and her family.

I have sent a text checking in, apologising sincerely and told her take all the space she needs and I'll be here when she wants to talk. I just feel sad if she can't see it was a genuine mistake

I'm going to ask about a couple of things that you said in your post:

I'm am a dependable friend 99% of the time. I am the most constant person in her life (she's single) and have never let her down before.

Sadly she can be known to use silence as a form of punishment and has definitely tried to make me feel as guilty as possible. Obviously I can take that on the chin, it is my fault, but I have a horrible feeling she will continue to bring this up long term.

Have you heard of the drama triangle? If your relationship is based on you being the rescuer and her being the victim, then there could be an additional level to consider. There's something about your post that makes me wonder whether you both feel that you are responsible for her. (You're not.)

Your child was ill, you were understandably distracted. These things happen. You aplogised, offered to collect her and she ignored you, and you now wonder how long she'll continue to reprimand you for? Not okay.
If you're questioning how much to put up with, imagine one of your children ends up in a similar situation. What would you want them to do with that friendship?

Pretty bad you forgot. This was an important appointment. She reminded you a few days before and you still forgot. You need to own your mistake and the inconvenience you caused. Don't try to turn it round and make out your friend is the one in the wrong. She isn't. Its 100% you.

Because another poster asked what the plan for childcare was🙄

Fair enough.

It was a genuine mistake. Your child was unwell and you just forgot. Personally I think your friend’s reply is a bit dramatic and over the top.

I just feel sad if she can't see it was a genuine mistake.

What else would she think?

She's annoyed. In time she'll be less annoyed.
You need to pay attention to your calendar.

You fucked up big time. She's lucky she found someone else to take her and pick her up.

Do you not put things like that in your calendar? She gave you plenty of reminders.

She'll probably think of you as unreliable from now on. This is going to damage your friendship because you let her down.

From the POV of someone who has cared for someone through multiple colonoscopies (also called coloscopies in the US) I just want to offer a bit of insight as to why your friend may have (justifiably) been so upset by this.
if the procedure was the more minor colposcopy instead of colonoscopy then please absolutely ignore this

colonoscopy prep starts with a clear liquids only diet which means no food for 24 hours + before the procedure and therefore often feeling quite shaky and weak to begin with. Then, the prep itself involves drinking a horrible solution that essentially makes you lose all the contents of your bowel through diarrhoea (and can sometimes also cause vomiting) - this often continues through the night so your friend will also have been feeling really quite poorly. Having to come up with alternative travel arrangements last minute while feeling so unwell was likely very difficult for her. A colonoscopy involves sedation so when you arrive at the hospital they (in my experience) ask who they should call when you are finished to come and pick you up as they are not allowed to release you alone. I can imagine she may have felt hugely embarrassed and alone to be stood there possibly not sure whose name to give at this point. The procedure itself can be anxiety inducing, and while the sedation is wearing off patients often can feel not totally with it. One of my friends had an awful reaction where it triggered traumatic flashbacks and she needed close care for 24 hours afterwards. Even with a less serious reaction, they were likely feeling groggy and confused for several hours after they got home and the person they were expecting to be there for them wasn’t.

again, there’s now nothing you can do - but this is to explain her reaction as you seem to feel it is out of proportion which I really don’t believe it is. Mistakes happen but that doesn’t minimise how she will have felt.

Still not understanding what you mean. There’s no such thing as a coloscopy. Do you mean colposcopy or colonoscopy ?

Absolutely this. I’m always amazed by people who think someone withdrawing after being hurt or let down is ‘punishing’ them, or ‘giving them the silent treatment’.

Most often it’s someone licking their wounds and avoiding making themselves even more vulnerable, or taking time to think things through to make sure they don’t say things they would regret from a place of pain and anger.

The idea that this is being done to you deliberately to make you feel bad is such a self-centred way of thinking about relationships.

I had my first colonoscopy, had to (as mentioned by others) go through all the prep which isn’t nice then at my appointment I was told out of the blue that I had a 5cm tumour. Was she on the 2WW pathway?

it was a mistake but I’d be pissed off too

That is terrible! She might have had sedation- if procedure was difficult .Then obviously not safe to drive or take bus or taxi alone.
I can see why she is cross- at least she did not miss her appointment- but she could have done and that would have been because of you.
Taking all the pre-treatment stuff with all the bowel issues that gives you then waiting for your friend who does not show?
Obviously she would not be having it at all unless there was a reason
Could you not have scheduled your kids appointment a different time in the day?
Flowers and apologies would be a poor response
I forgot is really awful
Imagine it was you

How does taking someone to a hospital appointment just 'slip your mind'? That would have been the thing you knew you were doing on that day, regardless of whatever else occurred.
Not surprised she's pissed off tbh. I think it's unlikely she'll ask you to help again, so the friendship will have definitely soured on her side

There was no pre treatment so apologies if I've given the wrong procedure. It was a gynae colposcopy. Not down playing by the way as still a big deal I know

So a treatment for cancerous/ pre-cancerous abnormal cells and you "forgot"
You are not a good friend

I understand that this was a genuine mistake, OP, but this is pretty bad.

A good friend of mine very kindly agreed to drive me to a hospital appointment a few months ago. I was so anxious about it and so grateful that she had offered to help. Had she forgotten, it would have felt like such a slap in the face - like she just didn't give a shit about what was going on for me. It isn't at all the same as forgetting to give her a lift to the train station or something similar.

She probably isn't trying to punish you, she is probably just really hurt to find that something significant to her matters so little to you.

I think in your situation, I would send her a massive bouquet of flowers with a card saying that you can't believe how badly you fucked up, and that you hope she won't take it as a sign that you don't care, because that really isn't the case.

Not on the 2 week pathway and confirmed no biopsy needed/no cancer scare, she had the procedure after a smear test. I appreciate it was still a big deal for her so wanted to be there to support, just got swept up in poorly kids, needing to take my DC to the doctors and solo parenting in half term. I haven't made excuses to her, as I know she won't want to hear that, just trying to give the honest answer.

I think you’re getting off lightly with the silent treatment.

But OP should feel guilty! It was totally her fault!

Hang on
I've had a colposcopy. It wasn't nice but I didn't need anyone with me and I got a taxi there and back. She could have done that once it became clear you couldn't actually do what you had initially offered to do. Dragging your kids to and from hospital twice to save her getting a taxi is mad. I get that you did say you'd do it and you forgot which is upsetting for her when she was expecting you but taxis exist.

I would be turning up at her door with a big bunch of flowers and apologising profusely.

She does feel guilty but honestly for how long should she? It was an honest mistake and the friend could have got a taxi. I think this is excessive self flagellation.

@MamaBee22
You messed up and you know that.

she needs to understand how sorry you feel because you have majorly let her down.

Send her flowers with a heart felt apology. Think carefully about kind words in your card.

Really? I think the friend needs to get over it. Silent treatment is shitty.