Forgot to take my friend to her hospital appointment- how do I fix this!?

[MamaBee22]

First time posting so please bare with me..

I forgot to take my best friend of 20 years to her colosopy appt. We'd arranged for me to take her and stay with her/bring her back, but the date changed to half term. No childcare and hubby at work so I still offered to drop her off and pick her up. She mentioned a few days prior and I said yeah no problem still good to go.

Fast forward to the day of appt. My DC has a chest infection so had to get her a drs appointment and being completely truthful it just slipped my mind. I didn't realise until it was too late and she text me saying have you forgot?

Obviously I went into panic mode and no deflection, I own my mistake and there's no excuse I shouldn't have forgot. I'm only human and it just slipped my mind. I apologised and said I understand why she'd be cross but let me know how it went.

I'm am a dependable friend 99% of the time. I am the most constant person in her life (she's single) and have never let her down before.

She ignored me for a couple of days and then sent a text saying how pissed off she was, people always let her down and its a difficult thing to forget and she doesn't want to talk about it.

Apart from giving her space, is there anything I can do to fix this? I feel sad to loose my friend over a stupid mistake.

Sadly she can be known to use silence as a form of punishment and has definitely tried to make me feel as guilty as possible. Obviously I can take that on the chin, it is my fault, but I have a horrible feeling she will continue to bring this up long term.

Thank you

What are you talking about? She had a sick child that takes preventative. It’s easy to forget. You clearly have the same attitude as the imbecile who thinks the world should revolve around her. She still got to the appointment on time. Op offered to pick her up and was ignored. And personally if someone was doing me a favour I’d of either called or message that morning to make sure she was still okay to take me. She gotta take some responsibility for herself.

I do think this is partly on her as she could have reminded you the night before or on the day. But…. You also do not sound sorry.

But she offered to pick her up... And apologised...

And the person took zero responsibility for prompting her... During half term...where stuff is more novel...after the appt was changed....

If you're wanting someone to do someone a massive favour it's on you to prompt the night before /the morning of appt....

I wouldn't just expect someone to remember this....

Me too. My life is full of alarms/reminders. If I don’t make an alarm for my bath it is likely to start coming through the ceiling. I have alarms/reminders for everything and a hand written note for extra important things on top of the phone reminder. I can be a bit away with the fairies sometimes (in that I’m always having conversations in my head about something or nothing), so these have become a must.

It seems she didn't actually need you there at all but would have simply preferred it. She doesn't sound very gracious making unpleasant remarks to someone who had a health emergency with their child. Obviously the child did need you there and couldn't have coped on their own so a very different situation. I would definitely keep her at more of a distance now.

I get the impression she has one of those sucking on a lemon faces.

Yes... Similar image I had..
It almost feels she was willing the OP to fail /stuff up...

Or she’s only happy when she’s miserable.

I would concur!

You’ve done your bit OP, leave her to contact you next.

Oh dear, from the outside it really does sound like a toxic relationship. I wonder what happened in your childhood or other relationships to make you accept this type of "friend" where she enjoys holding power over you and punishing you. It sounds like she doesn't like you, maybe she's jealous, maybe she thinks you don't deserve the things you have. If you're thinking I'm completely wrong, ask yourself, what would it take for you to say the words to her that she uses to you? To give her the silent treatment? No "oh, but you don't understand the stuff she's dealing with..." answers. What would she have to do to make you do this to her? And how would you feel when you realise your children have picked up on the years of watching this dynamic, and get into this role themselves in their friendships?

That procedure without sedation means she didn’t need anyone with her.
As you had a sick child then that should have been the end of the matter.

I think some people are being judgemental, it can easily happen. I would suggest putting it on your phone calendar going forward. But don't worry too much, send a bunch of flowers, you apologised already. You know you won't do it again. Sometimes things get in the way especially if you were dealing with a sick child too.

She definitely doesn’t deserve a bouquet.

Agree with above.

Listen OP. I say this with kindness... Stop putting up with someone who enjoys punishing you. You say she has no village yet...

"She does have other friends, sibling and her parents but I guess as the closest person to her she wanted me there as they aren't always reliable."

You made a mistake because, shock horror, your sick child was more important to you than the friend.
You've apologised... actually you are over apologising... and you shouldn't have to "take it on the chin"... which does sound like she continued to berate you, without asking how your child was. You are so clearly upset that you let this person down, this person who still got to her appointment on time and has a procedure which went really well, but ignored your offer to pick up and drop because it didn't include you being able to sit in a waiting room etc during the appointment.

I think you are really in danger of letting this person walk all over you, she's got you tied up in guilty knots. You have said several times that you are normally always there for her. Well guess what... one slip up and all those other times have counted for nothing because she was furious with you.. and you have only Cleared the air because you persisted in trying to get through to her, otherwise I think its very likely she would have continued to "punish" you by ignoring you.

This woman has main character syndrome. Please think carefully about letting her boss you around in the future.

edited @TheQueenOfTheNight asked some really good questions which may provoke some thoughts about this friendship and the way she treats you.

Great post.

The relationship screams toxicity.
Think long and hard about your people pleasing modeling to your children.

Do you want them to have similarly punishing friends when they are juggling loads?

Because you are so setting them up for this.

That woman is a selfish arse.
Anyone with an ounce of decency knowing you were jammed would have said no need for the lift, particularly as there wasn't any need beyond her just wanting her hand held.

In the real world adult friends don't behave like this, particularly when sick children are involved.

She couldn't care less about your load or your children, yet you persist to chase her.

You really should want more for your children, than spoiled user friends that couldn't care less about them.

Think on OP!
You definitely deserve better.

Having read updates…. WOW!
She has other friends and her own parents and is treating you like this?
She went for a procedure lots of women have every day. She got got herself there and back and then punished you even after the bouquet?
Has she even asked how your poorly child was?
I would leave her to her other friends.

Your friend sounds a nightmare. Of course you couldn't take her when your child was ill. You were dealing with something at home and it slipped your mind. She can be miffed but she's blown this out of all proportion. She sounds like she is peeved because you are prioritising your child over her. She is unhinged. So many ways of getting to the hospital - taxi, lift from neighbour, friend, family member, bus, train etc etc. I would be edging away.

Don't give her the benefit of the doubt. Read the messages between this one and your last post and take them on board.

I am sure the gratitude she's shown you when you've done her many favours isn't as great as this one mess up.

Use the excuse that you realised you are spreading yourself too thinly the next time she asks for anything.

What were the comments she made?

Does C have other friends?
It's a good idea to encourage your children to have several groups of friends or a large looser group rather than a very small delineated one- obviously you can't make this happen but there are plenty of ways you can encourage it.

I'd say it's OK for dd to go but to make it very clear they're not going to leave c out at school as a result. Ng can invite who she likes to her sleepover, but trying to 'milk it' by organising secret planning discussions in school is exclusionary and unkind. Well done to your dd for at least raising it- it can be hard to call others out at that age.

I think you're on the wrong thread!

Tbh, a colonoscopy is a really horrible procedure, and not having someone with you means that you can't have sedation. I wouldn't forgive you, or trust you again.

Fortunately it wasn't a colonoscopy @Grumpygrandma1962 as OP explained ages ago.

FFS 🤦‍♀️

Ah mn, first reply sticks the boot is as always.

op it was a mistake and I’d guess you’ve apologised over and over. She’ll either get over it or decide one human mistake is worth losing a friend for. There’s nothing else you can do

I'd be annoyed with you tbh. Fine if you weren't reminded a few days prior but you were. If your daughter was sick, you should have given your mate some notice.