Forgot to take my friend to her hospital appointment- how do I fix this!?

[MamaBee22]

First time posting so please bare with me..

I forgot to take my best friend of 20 years to her colosopy appt. We'd arranged for me to take her and stay with her/bring her back, but the date changed to half term. No childcare and hubby at work so I still offered to drop her off and pick her up. She mentioned a few days prior and I said yeah no problem still good to go.

Fast forward to the day of appt. My DC has a chest infection so had to get her a drs appointment and being completely truthful it just slipped my mind. I didn't realise until it was too late and she text me saying have you forgot?

Obviously I went into panic mode and no deflection, I own my mistake and there's no excuse I shouldn't have forgot. I'm only human and it just slipped my mind. I apologised and said I understand why she'd be cross but let me know how it went.

I'm am a dependable friend 99% of the time. I am the most constant person in her life (she's single) and have never let her down before.

She ignored me for a couple of days and then sent a text saying how pissed off she was, people always let her down and its a difficult thing to forget and she doesn't want to talk about it.

Apart from giving her space, is there anything I can do to fix this? I feel sad to loose my friend over a stupid mistake.

Sadly she can be known to use silence as a form of punishment and has definitely tried to make me feel as guilty as possible. Obviously I can take that on the chin, it is my fault, but I have a horrible feeling she will continue to bring this up long term.

Thank you

This also. You always send a gentle reminder. Particularly if someone is putting themselves out for you as the OP was.

OP - it was clearly a mistake and you are obviously sorry. Remember that you were doing her a favour and taking time out of your busy life to help a friend when her family wouldn’t. She could have easily organised a taxi as well. I think her response is disproportionate to your mistake.

Totally agree with the last few posters. It was an easy mistake that you apologised for and offered to rectify. Your friend is overreacting. She still got to the appointment and should remember that you've been there for her for years but you had a sick child.

Has she never made a mistake?

Op probably made the plan to take her friend before her child go ill. One mistake in a long friendship doesn’t make someone a bad or unreliable friend, yeh op was unreliable but I bet there’s plenty more times she’s been there for her friend

So you’re blaming her reaction not your action? You say you own it but then bemoan her making you feel as guilty as possible?

She likely feels unloved and let down. She has a right to feel upset and sometimes silence is hurt. What can she say? You f’d up and don’t seem that bothered.

Of course everyone makes mistakes but why haven’t you made it up to her already? Treated her, and told her she does matter to you.

Oh honestly! Did you read all OPs posts? She has been profusely apologetic, has offered to make up for forgetting but the friend didn't reply. And now finally they're going to talk. In no way did OP blame the friend or appear not to be that bothered.

Some people on here must have trouble keeping relationships with so little give and take / grace and forgiveness.

@MamaBee22

Wow - I’m really surprised at some or the responses!! Brutal!

Space and time. If she uses the silent treatment as a response, she’s not great at emotional regulation, so let her come to you.

Also, don’t over apologise, you’ve apologised and explained, and apologised again. Leave it there. Unless you get to see her, the maybe one more as you hug it out.

Hopefully, although she may need a gentle reminder later if is still holding the grudge, she’ll remember all the other times you HAVEN’T let her down.

Everyone is going to let us down and hurt us at some point, EVERYONE, because we are human, we all make mistakes, we can all drop balls under pressure, the people just have to be worth the pain.

Your friend sounds like she has unresolved stuff from her childhood. That is hers to own.

Hopefully the friendship does survive, but if she really can’t get past this, then in all honesty, it then says more about her than you.

Sure, maybe a learning point to make is to use reminders, but we can still overlook them at times of stress.

Glad she still got there and it went well.

Exactly! 🙄

Bloody hell, bit harsh. The woman’s kid was ill. The other woman got to her appointment on time and it was fine. Disappointing but life and shit happens.
glad u lot r not my friends

Quite simple; someone asked what she was doing about childcare, so she answered.

I’ve seen that you’ve already been picked up on this mistake, so forget it. Although you do have to expect more than one poster to notice a mistake like that, I should have read a bit further.

Being unaccompanied probably limited the anaesthesia she could have. And in my experience, even with milder anaesthesia, I was still quite high when I was sent home. I really couldn't face public transport so got a cab on my own while obviously not quite with it. The cab driver was understanding and kind. I suppose they are used to it when they pick up from hospitals. But it wasn't a situation I would choose to put myself in. And I was absolutely exhausted afterwards. I could just about make it up the stairs and flake out on the bed fully clothed.

So it isn't as simple as not giving her a lift there and not picking her up later like dropping her off to do some shopping. Not doing what you'd agreed to do probably made a horrible situation a whole lot worse for her. You did a crappy thing. Just own it and stop trying to minimise it and don't even dream of shifting any of the blame onto her and her expectations.

Stop beating yourself up. You made a mistake and apologised. It's not as if you didn't bother. If she can't accept that, then she's the one who is behaving poorly.

Even if you have remembered your situation would not have allowed you to go? But probably would have saved her some stress if she had an earlier heads up.

how did she get there in the end?

and also - how do you normally diarise things? Maybe a calendar reminder on your phone for this sort of thing might help?

Also she will have to take specific medication to clear her bowel completely and they are not pleasant neither are the affect! All that and the thought of what is an unpleasant procedure to then not get the transport you were promised so possibly missed the appointment would really upset me too and im not easily upset. I had one fairly recently and was told to arrive 15 mins before no earlier so timing for these things can be tight. Hopefully she will forgive you but to her if would make me question the friendship as its not like it was a missed coffee date!

Do you have anaesthesia for a colposcopy? I seriously doubt it.

It’s a colposcopy, this was explained hours and hours ago! Just read the updates before you jump
in about how horrible the procedure is and how upset you’d be!

At least get the facts correct!

The "aw hun you did nothing wrong" posts in this thread are far worse than what the OP actually did. Give or take a bit of deflection the OP at least fundamentally accepts that she fucked up and she shouldn't have forgotten - a lot of posters seem to think that it's completely OK to blow off a prior commitment and OP shouldn't need to apologise, and the friend has no right to even feel upset.

I don't get the "your family is your priority" comments. If OP's child was so sick that she needed to prioritise that, and messaged her friend accordingly in good time, that's a different situation and obviously more acceptable. Neither is it relevant that the friend could have got a taxi - I'm sure she would have, if OP hadn't offered to drive. The point is that if you think you've got your transport sorted then of course you're not going to get a taxi. And by the time she realised OP wasn't just late but not coming at all, she'd have been running way behind schedule.

And adults don't usually send reminders to each other the night before or the morning of something. How patronising would that be.

There really isn't any getting around the fact that forgetting your friend's hospital appointment is a big deal, it's tremendously poor form and the friend is quite naturally taking a step back from the friendship and maybe rethinking it completely, depending on whether this is a pattern or not.

Damn. I misread that as colonoscopy. Thank you for pointing that out and apologies to OP.

I am guessing the stress for her friend was when OP didn't arrive on time her friend might have waited a bit longer just incase she was a few mins late and then text her. Waited for text back and then rushed to book cab when it was confirmed she was not coming. She was likely worried she would miss her appointment which appears to be to check she doesn't have cancer. If she was doing it through NHS should would have another wait time before she could reschedule.
Where we live cabs are not that easy to get quickly.
I am sure all of us would be upset in this situation?

What an unpleasant comment! Everyone can forget things (even important things!) sometimes😡

I’m an adult and I send reminders! Always check the day before that people are still
ok for coffee etc.

If this was my friend and she was acting this way, I’d certainly let her go if she wanted to take a step back.

OP has previously done loads. She fucked up once. Let the friends family and other friends that normally let her down, step up.

No good deed goes unpunished, does it!

The "aw hun you did nothing wrong" posts in this thread are far worse than what the OP actually did.

Has anyone said that? Or have people said yes you made a mistake but you tried to make up for it and you said sorry, plus you did have a sick child.

So if your DD was THAT ill would you be seeing a GP rather than the hospital?

Depends I suppose, on the need for steroids or emergency care. It’s best not to block A&E if possible and OP could get a doctors appointment. I’d assume that if OP had not managed to get a doctor’s appointment and steroids, then A&E would’ve been required.

I’m sure OP knows the best options for her asthmatic child.