Forgot to take my friend to her hospital appointment- how do I fix this!?

[MamaBee22]

First time posting so please bare with me..

I forgot to take my best friend of 20 years to her colosopy appt. We'd arranged for me to take her and stay with her/bring her back, but the date changed to half term. No childcare and hubby at work so I still offered to drop her off and pick her up. She mentioned a few days prior and I said yeah no problem still good to go.

Fast forward to the day of appt. My DC has a chest infection so had to get her a drs appointment and being completely truthful it just slipped my mind. I didn't realise until it was too late and she text me saying have you forgot?

Obviously I went into panic mode and no deflection, I own my mistake and there's no excuse I shouldn't have forgot. I'm only human and it just slipped my mind. I apologised and said I understand why she'd be cross but let me know how it went.

I'm am a dependable friend 99% of the time. I am the most constant person in her life (she's single) and have never let her down before.

She ignored me for a couple of days and then sent a text saying how pissed off she was, people always let her down and its a difficult thing to forget and she doesn't want to talk about it.

Apart from giving her space, is there anything I can do to fix this? I feel sad to loose my friend over a stupid mistake.

Sadly she can be known to use silence as a form of punishment and has definitely tried to make me feel as guilty as possible. Obviously I can take that on the chin, it is my fault, but I have a horrible feeling she will continue to bring this up long term.

Thank you

I personally think some people on this thread are being dramatic. If my friend was an otherwise good, loyal, and reliable friend, and truly did just forget because their kid had a chest infection, I'd feel privately mad at the time, and then I'd rapidly get over it and accept that my friend's child's chest infection takes priority over transporting me to an appointment I can get to myself. If it was a pattern of behaviour, it would be different, but as a one off, it's really not that deep.

People are overthinking it. It doesn't show she doesn't care about her friend, or that her friend isn't a priority, or whatever. All it shows is that humans are humans who sometimes forget things, and that mum brain takes over when you're rushing around with children. And in all honesty, your child is almost always going to take priority over a friend.

You've said sorry and meant it. I wouldn't go over the top with cards etc. I also don't really get why she didn't message you to ask what time you'd be coming, etc.

I can appreciate she feels hurt, but people on here are really digging deep into this situation and giving you are hard time for a mistake.

It sounds like you've acknowledged all the important points and have acknowledged that it was your mistake. Not wanting to let her down when the appointment changed to half term is a good deed - you could have said I'm really sorry but I can't do that week at all, but you didn't - so you still prioritised her. We all know life is never predictable when you have a child or children, and one with a chest infection who needs to see a doctor is the obvious priority, even though everything else goes out of your head - that's pretty normal.

You've apologised & explained, the appointment went ahead & all is well so what's the biggie? You've learned your own lesson - your own family comes first no matter what, in future remember that - especially if the friend wants you to eat a double dose of humble pie and wear black for the foreseeable.

Hopefully she'll come round, or she won't but don't overcompensate if she won't be reasonable.

Oh bloody hell - I hope you and the poster after you never make a mistake.

Yes, it is a big thing to forget but people do make mistakes and forget things and clearly the op is distraught about it. She has held her hands up and wants to know how to make it right.

Op age is understandably upset, just give her time and I'm sorry to say this, but in the worst case scenario be prepared for it to be the end of the friendship. I hope. Not though and you get a chance to apologise again and for her to be able to move past this.

i can’t believe the reactions here. Why on earth did your friend not text you closer to the new date (“still ok for hospital on wed?”) and then send a text the night before (“thanks again, appointment at 9 so I’ll be ready for 8.15, really appreciate it!”)

yes you offered to drive but your friend is responsible for getting herself to her appointment not you.

id never leave something like this to chance. if my friend says she’ll bring my brolly to the office after i left it at her house on Saturday ill text them Sunday night to say “brolly reminder for tomorrow! See you in the morning”.

this whole situation could have been avoided by your friend. You’re both in the wrong !

For something that important, my friends would message several reminders, including the day of. But then several friends have experienced what middle age can do to short term memory. My own short term memory has betrayed me so many times in the last few years. It's not as though you didn't show up on purpose.

It’s sad OP’s friend is probably thinking the same thing right and will think twice before asking for help unfortunately.

Some of my married friends are brilliant but I have experienced from some people in the past the attitude you’re referring to .

Yes exactly.

What's crazy is that if a poster was saying they felt worthless, posters would be encouraging them to reach out to friends.

They don't seem to realise that it's precisely this sort of treatment from friends that makes one feel worthless in the first place, and unable to ask for support. Support that wouldn't be needed if people didn't forget single people are worthwhile humans too!

OP, I think you were massively in the wrong here, and agree with PPs about why your friend is so hurt and needs time, and about you making excuses.

However, your last update is very reasonable, and shows you care and are trying to think in a considerate way towards her (eg. understanding that you have a DH for support and it's totally different for her). Just keep up with the reasonableness, rather than making excuses or trying to justify it, and I'm sure things will be ok in time.

It's one of those unfortunate situations where nobody is really to blame but everybody is hurting. I think all you can do is apologise and say it was a genuine mistake. Anyone can make a mistake and forget something. And, hard as it is for her, she has to let it go and not read more into it than was there. If she uses it as an ' evrrybody lets me down' example then she is not being realistic about what happened. Obviously if it turns out she has cancer you can reach out, but if she continues to bring it up or use it against you then I think you need to pull back. There is only so much a person can do if another person chooses to continue to be unfair and unreasonable.

I think your friend is being ridiculous. Sometimes people forget things. I nearly forgot an appointment of my own last week because something happened that put it out of my mind. It was a mistake and she needs to get over it. You're not responsible for people "always letting her down".

These things happen, send her something nice and a heartfelt apology.

If I were you I would keep careful watch for an opportunity in future to sweep in with a big (unasked for) favour or gift, if you are still friends.

If you completely forgot then what you have done to apologise is all I would personally ask of you. She is allowed to feel annoyed and let down, but unless this is pattern ftom you ( and I don’t get the sense that it is) then she needs to move on. If I was your friend I would not expect you to have to keep grovelling. Mistakes happen.
Be careful that this isn’t held over you forever more. I get the sense it might be.
I think you need to stop apologising now. Let her come back to you or not. Don’t keep apologising and desperately trying to make it right. You made an honest mistake. Those happen.

You were obviously in the wrong but the reactions here are ridiculous. You were doing her a favour for a start. She should have texted you at least to check you remembered/ were on your way etc.
I had to take a friend to a medical appointment recently (and she actually had no other way of getting there) and she texted before etc - its what a normal person would do. The appointment might be top of the appointees mind but it isn't necessarily top of the favour-givers mind. If i'm relying on people for a lift i remind them
I've had colonscopy's- they're not the most pleasant experience but not as bad as people are saying- I'd be more concerned about getting home if i was drowsy.

its fine for her to be a bit annoyed (although it depends how awkward the alternative was or whether it was really the handholding rather than the lift she wanted) but tbh if it becomes a punishment/silent treatment it would really annoy me and make me really unlikely to offer favours in future

Sounds like she's been using you essentially as a carer for a long time, so much so that you now feel this is your rightful role, whether or not it's convenient given your own family concerns.

Perhaps it's time to ask whether the friendship itself really justifies such one-sided obligations.

Yes this. If I was relying on a friend with young kids & my procedure switched to half term I’d make alternative arrangements. Probably a taxi for something minor.

It wasn’t a colonoscopy. Pages back. It was a colposcopy.

I have picked a friend up from
a colonoscopy before - he was a housemate & he did need someone with him. But a colposcopy doesn’t really need a friend dragging a sick child out or a bunch of kids going to and fro in half term.

Send her the number for Uber and a bus timetable and tell her to make her own way, in future.

She's not a child, she's a grown adult and spitting her dummy out of the fact won't change that fact!

Tell her that, as you can only be reliable 99 times out of the hundred, she should cut her losses and make her own way!

She sounds insufferable.

100% this. I can’t imagine not messaging a friend the day before we’re meeting for whatever reason and especially something as important as a hospital appointment. Even meeting for a coffee we’d message beforehand “looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. See you outside the cafe at 2pm!”

Sounds like the friend enjoys setting people up for failure and then she can wallow afterwards about them letting her down.

Are you sure she is using silence as a punishment? Some people (I am one of them) choose to withdraw into themselves until they have recovered from their anger, because they don't want to say anything they may later regret). This silence may be something she does for herself, not to punish you.

To be honest with you, you apologized and were sincere. You even said you made a mistake. If she is being this upset over the fact that an unforeseen occurrence happened, and she cannot let it go. She isn't being a very good friend to you.

Agree some of the reactions here are crazy. Yes you made a mistake and yes I’d be annoyed at your forgetfulness - but having had multiple colposcopies myself you don’t need anyone to take you to/from the hospital! I can also see how having a poorly child could cause you to be scatterbrained on the day (and even if you hadn’t forgotten, the child clearly would be the priority).

Agree with sending a box of chocolates saying sorry - but tbh I’d then just leave it at that. If she wants to continue to hold it over you and change the dynamic of your friendship, that’s her problem.

Exactly… I’d even go as far as saying the OP’s friend, knowing that OP has a sick child, should have offered to make alternative arrangements.

Why would she want her friend to drag her sick child to hospital and back? I wouldn’t want my friend to do that with their sick child!

maybe OP overcommitted and didn’t want to let her friend down, as she said - she’s her friend’s only constant (I wonder if that means the friend loses and pushes people away?) and perhaps pressured herself, at the expense of her kids and self, to accommodate the friend’s needs?

And weirdly expected the OP to drag her sick kid to and from a hospital appointment. I don’t understand how some of the comments here suggest th OP is wildly selfish and the friend is better off without her?

This. If I don't put things in my phone calendar with several reminders and sometimes an alarm if it's something that is not a routine occurrence it will be gone forever from my head no matter how much I tried to remember. I think some people on here have no idea how busy and full other people's heads are.

I have to set an alarm to remind me to take my suitcase off the train as I normally commute with just the one bag. One time I didn't even get on the train with my case as I left it in the boot of my car.

That said, I haven't forgotten much over time as the system usually works. But it would only take someone else to distract me at the time someone told me about the appointment and I wouldn't put it in my phone. And I developed the system obviously because I did drop a ball or two. It happens.