DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

There is clear diagnostic criteria for an autism diagnosis (if there wasn't, it wouldn't be possible to diagnose anyone, would it?)

And the rest of the story goes "weirdly my nephew doesn't talk to his parents anymore and nobody knows why"...😆

It would help if you can learn how to manage your own guilt so it doesn't undermine your parenting.

You had a positive moment on your birthday- but that was was just moment on one birthday, it doesn't sound as if her efforts on other birthdays have been so rewarding have they? And it's not transactional, she did one thing that made you amazingly happy so you must make her amazingly happy in return.

Your DD needs to learn how to enjoy her birthday. That takes time. You could give her every cake in the world now and she wouldn't be happy. So you are now showing her how birthday presents and birthday cakes really work so that in the end she can start to appreciate and feel happy about one birthday cake. It wont happen right away but you are on that path. No need to feel guilty about teaching her happiness!

Is there any long-term therapeutic parenting support that you could get to help you over the longer term? Maybe family therapy, or maybe just counselling for you so can explore this in depth by yourself? You seem so uncertain and so triggered by it all.

On the other hand OP’s DD clearly has issues. Her behaviour around the cake and receiving presents is not at all typical, for example.

I think you’re letting your own bias blind you here perhaps?

You didn’t do the wrong thing. If you had left it/ignored it she would be beating you over the head for that too. A case of can’t do right for doing wrong. You don’t have to justify your decision and frankly many parents play down the purpose of assessments, so you didn’t do wrong there either. It may not, in hindsight, have suited your DD to be less than transparent, but she was a child and you were seeking the least stressful route to understanding her behaviour. Parents make decisions on behalf of their children every day.

Like others here, I am wondering what your DH is doing to support you and to engage on this issue - if all the ‘conflict’ is being centred around you and your daughter because he is not presenting a united front, this isn’t helpful. He could tell her: “WE decided this was the best move given the information and resources we had at this time and I will not accept you continually badmouthing a mother who loves you and is trying to move the earth for you”. My DH has had to take up the mantle (sp?) at times and had exactly these sorts of conversations so that I can step back as diffusing the situation sometimes needs the focus to be removed from me. Was tough on him after a day at work, but when he had a peri-meno wife sobbing downstairs and an autie pubescent teen doing the same upstairs, he had no choice but to parent-up.

My DD will back down if Dad is speaking [no idea why, other than mother/daughter dyads are emotionally and psychologically complex during puberty, when even NT daughters are separating in their identity from the same sex parent and needing to understand the world both as independent young adults, and in terms of opposite sex relationships… I try not to take it personally!]. It’s likely your DD may do too.

Please ask your DH to step in. He can tell her enough is enough on this issue and reiterate just how much you both love her and how hurtful she is being towards you. She MAY hear it from him and it may serve as the bucket of cold water in an escalating negative spiral.

Just caught up on the thread op. And i think it’s time for the tough love. Call her bluff and play her at her own game.

I worked in a job where customers would threaten suicide if i didn’t book a certain appt for them. Our standard response to this was ‘as you have threatened to harm yourself, i have no option but to contact emergency services’. It worked every single time.

So next time DD talks about killing herself, just say you will call the emergency services. What she is doing is emotional blackmail.

If she is refusing her diagnosis, then you say ‘ok, prove me wrong, get a job or continue your education, grow up’

If she has a tatrum about that, say ‘ok, but take a look right now at how you are behaving, and remember how you reacted about a cake. This is not proving me wrong js it, it is proving me right’. And just keep repeating.

And if she tells DH to fuck off, immediate consequences.

She either needs to accept her diagnosis and help, or help herself. Because none of you are moving forward.

No apologies (from you). No more discussion about cake. If she tries, keep repeating "Your birthday is over. I did my best and I’m not discussing cake any more."

What's noticeably missing is her recognition that other people are human and sometimes imperfect too, and also have feelings and also have to learn to cope with disappointment. Her autism makes her self-centred but she needs to learn and accept that not everything is about her. Other people have rights too.

And sorry i echo PP’s concerns about her being in charge of young children after how you’ve described her lack of self regulation.

I worked in a job where customers would threaten suicide if i didn’t book a certain appt for them. Our standard response to this was ‘as you have threatened to harm yourself, i have no option but to contact emergency services’. It worked every single time.

Did you actually contact the emergency services when that happened @Iocanepowder? Just wondering what the procedure is.

@CautiousLurker2 Dh is hugely supportive and we try to present a united front. The problem is that dd simply will NOT engage with him other than day to day stuff. If he comments when dd and I are speaking face to face, she shuts him down and says ‘I’m talking to mum’. Very frustrating. I’m her safe person and she won’t let him in at all.

I never had to actually contact the emergency services because the customers threatening suicide never actually meant it. They were just using it as emotional blackmail to try and get what they wanted. They always retracted their threat of self harm whenever i mentioned emergency services.

And what happens when you say "I want Dad to be part of this conversation too. He is your parent too and the way you and everyone else behave affects everybody else in the house"?

So… she’s manipulating you both in this instance? I really would work with an ASD family support person, via the NAS perhaps or even contact social services to see if they can refer on to the family support team [it is available in SOME areas when a family is in crisis, but sadly not all], to manage this. My DD had a youth worker via SS for 6m which was really helpful.

She should not be allowed to shut her dad out. I assume he funds at least half the family/household expenses? He deserves to be acknowledged and respected on that basis alone - but it does seem as though she has manoeuvred you all into a situation where she has made you and she co-dependent.

Don’t know what to suggest, really, to dig you out of this. Hopefully someone wiser will be along in a moment with some suggestions that move outside family counselling!

This is just plain rude OP.

Why was this allowed in the first place? It would appear she has very little respect for her father.

Has this always been the case, or also only since her diagnosis?

As to you being her safe person. Is it not more likely you are just easier to get her own way with?

THIS.

And the implication that her poor dad ISN'T a "safe person" is awful.

Please don’t feel guilty re pursuing a diagnosis. You’ve said she was 11 throwing toddler tantrums, very self centred and couldn’t eat around people so having to have meals away from family. I’m sure there was more. Secondary school was on horizon and realistically you knew things were going to get tricky for her. They don’t hand out diagnoses just because parent pays.
If you hadn’t pursued a diagnosis at 11 then I’ve no doubt you’d feel very guilty re that and she’d be throwing that in your face - you knew I wasn’t ok I couldn’t even go to Pizza Hut for my friends birthday or eat dinner with the 4 of you.
She goes back after Covid. If she was absolutely ok at school academically and socially then they wouldn’t have offered support. Diagnosis or not they put scare resources where needed. She didn’t have an EHCP. If she was truly ok and it was a misdiagnosis at 11 she’d have got on at school and got the grades she thinks she should have. Instead she school refuses and only goes in 50%, pretty extreme reaction to being invited to a nurture group, or being given a pass to let her eat in a classroom not canteen or whatever school did because of her diagnosis.

You don't need to let her shut him down. "Your father is speaking to you / us." And then you wait and say nothing more to her until she has responded to him (or stormed off in a temper)

Your DH has a right to speak and to be heard. At the moment you are helping her to shut him down.

You might need a "speaking stick" for family conversations. So that she has to wait her turn and let other people speak.

And again you're pandering to this? Your poor DH being shut out in his own home.

Your dd is rude and disrespectful. This might be due to autism difficulties or it's just she's been spoilt. Either way it's not acceptable. Autism or not, you as a parent needs to teach her how to interact with the world at large, not just her parents. Her current behaviour won't win her many friends or please a potential employer.

You're not her 'safe person', you're her enabler.

You've tried the zero demand/permissive parenting and it clearly hasn't worked. Time for a new strategy.

With every post you make @bendmeoverbackwards , the image of manipulation (of you and your husband) just hardens that little bit more. Your daughter is just constantly finding sticks to beat you with. You and your husband can't do right for doing wrong. Or, she cannot accept you doing right because she wants to have a go at you for doing wrong.

Your daughter has painted herself into this corner. She won't get out of it by you doing what you've always done. I would be thinking, with every interaction with her, 'is this manipulative?' before responding.

This is a massive issue. And it’s why things have reached this point.

You need to tell DD that on X issue Dad is in charge and either she speaks to him in a civilised manner about it, or it doesn’t get dealt with (if it’s something she wants). Refuse to get involved “I have told you that Dad is dealing with this and I support him on this point- you need to discuss it politely with him.”

She’s used the “divide and conquer”
technique with you and it’s worked- he’s frozen out and you’re so overwhelmed with guilt that she’s playing you like a second hand violin. You’ve got to take a step back. You can still love her and support her but you are not her go to person for problem solving/ being a punch bag.

If she really can’t deal with this then she needs to find somewhere else to live- like supported living or something.

Oh and DO NOT DISCUSS CAKE in any sense. Tell her that the subject of cake and birthdays is completely banned until September. You will not discuss it.

You will however discuss her being in education or work by then.

“Safe person”? What the hell is that? Has she decided that, or you? As per previous poster, you’re her enabler. For a kid that’s refusing to engage with any services, that’s term must have come from somewhere.

OP with all kindness please get some help for YOU, to unpick why you’re compelled to give this girl SO much power. It’s mind blowing.

Out of interest, what immediate consequences do you suggest for an adult who tells their father to fuck off?

Well for starters if she doesn't want him in the conversation then she doesn't want his money either, surely? Stop her allowance.

I don’t know as i’m not sure what op’s DD does or is into. For example, if she likes going on her phone, change the wifi password. Point is, she doesn’t act like an adult so clearly still needs consequences. And basically they need to stop interacting with her when she is swearing at them.