DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

Don't engage any more about her birthday. It sounds like she tries to drag it out all year with her moaning for months/years about previous birthdays.

Well done re not going home at lunchtime. That was great. Keeping things normal and just dealing with the consequences as they arise is the way to go.
The tantrum was to be expected and you need to brace yourself for more of these. Is DH helping in all of this? This will be a period of transition for you both. You won’t get it “right” (whatever that means) every time. Sometimes you’ll kick yourself. That is ok too.
As a rule of thumb - take a deep breath every time you respond to her upset. If you are about to promise her something, don’t. You are not keeping these promises and it’s making things worse.
Instead, I would wait until the upset has abated a bit and give her a cuddle (if she accepts that) or whatever you’d normally do to comfort her. Then I’d sit with her when she’s calmer and just listen to her. Don’t interrupt or try to make it all right.
If she is telling you how miserable she is, sympathise, say “that must be so hard. When you are feeling better let’s see if we can find a solution” or “when you are ready, I think finding a job / course/ volunteering opportunity could really help”.
You are worried she will think you don’t love her. She will say this. It’s so obvious you adore her.
I would simple state matter of factly that you love her unconditionally and you want the best for her but sometimes, as a parent, that means looking to the future and helping her achieve independence. Tell her you believe in her and that you know she is going to have a fulfilling life. Don’t excessively get into the detail or engage with complicated explanations of why she can’t/ won’t do certain things. Just listen, sympathise, tell her you love her and are there to help her when she feels ready and that you believe in her and know she will reach her full potential and have a fulfilling life. Tell her “this too will pass”. Do this on repeat. It might not look like you are getting through to her. But you will be. All lights turned off can be turned on. When my daughter feels overwhelmed we listen together to the Noah Kahan song I’ll Call Your Mom. It’s our little anthem. Just keep remembering you are there to provide support and love. You’re not there to make it right/ sort it out. Put past “mistakes” behind you. Ditch the mum guilt. Concentrate on all the things you are doing right, which is most of it. When in doubt or when confronted with challenging behaviour ask yourself what would be the usual parental response to a child doing/ saying this? And if you don’t know, ask Mumsnet. Lots of collective wisdom on here. Where is DH in all of this? Is he stepping up? Are you getting the support you need? Good luck OP, you absolutely have this.

FFS why do I feel guilty? I think because a) by saying I’d sort it out, I led her to believe we we do the cake thing all again (shouldn’t have promised that), and b) she went to so much effort when she baked me a birthday cake this year and it was a fantastic positive moment, now she feel awful about her own birthday when I really enjoyed mine.

Should I tell her I regret making promises that I went back on? Or just leave it and be more careful next time?

Enough is enough, you can’t go on like this @bendmeoverbackwards. A clear and concise conversation is needed regarding the ongoing birthday debacle… no I will not be purchasing another cake, I have purchased several now and nothing was accepted… you are an adult, birthdays have a budget of ‘X’ and you are welcome to choose a gift around that value and if you can’t or won’t then money will be in a card on your birthday alongside your favourite sweets. A birthday cake isn’t essential moving forwards, would you prefer birthday doughnuts or cupcakes etc, I will need to know by the end of January and if you can’t or won’t decide then a Colin the caterpillar will be waiting on your birthday.

ASD is not a stick to beat your family with, compromise and good manners are to be expected of everyone.

You also went to extensive effort for her birthday, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Clear boundaries moving forward, stop apologising for failing to meet the ever moving standards your DD is currently holding you to.

Or tell her I’ve thought it over and as she’s been unappreciative of what I’ve done already, there will be no more cakes for this birthday?

Yes!

Did you actually make promises you went back on? It doesn't seem like you did unless I'm missing something? You got her two birthday cakes which she refused, then you said you'd sort out the cakes is that right? You did sort out the cakes. Is it that you think your dd assumed sorting the cakes meant buying her yet another cake? But if you did that surely she wouldn't have eaten that one either and it would have caused even more tantrums?

I wouldn't say anything if I were you. Good luck, you've made a good start, now you just need to stick to your guns 🙂

Tell her that you will no longer discuss cakes and that her throwing it out is childish.

DO NOT APOLOGIZE

Or, you could be really snarky and say, "Only someone with untreated autism would act like this," but that would likely be provocative.

This. Or say what you thought about her being unappreciative so youre not buying yet another cake. Can you see this is becoming ridiculous.? Say what @SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePlease suggests. Yes she made you a lovely cake but that doesn't mean you have to keep getting cakes
Her mental health is obviously very poor but will not be improved by more cake. This has gone on long enough. I'd suggest she sees a GP to talk about her low mood.
I'm guilty of the following too: trying to rescue your child. They've got to take some responsibility too. Not for the past but for theor future life.

She wants drama and she wants you to feel awful. Don’t rise to it.

I’d just deal with her tantrums in the same way as you would a 3 year old’s. Just roll your eyes and get on with life.

The only other conversations you should be having about the cake are to confirm - if she raises it again - that you’re not interested in discussing it again and that that is the end of the matter.

There is no logic to her refusing to eat either cake. OK she has autism but she is now an adult and needs to realise other people have feelings too and that buying a third cake is just silly. She can decide not to eat cake but she can’t stop other people eating cake and turn her birthday into an obstacle course of endless cake demands. It is mad. At some point she needs to learn how to get on with people not just give them hoops to jump through

I also can’t see what promises you have gone back on. The birthday is over and done with. No good will come from arguing with her. It would be very easy to say things in heat of moment - her behaviour taking the cake tonight so no one can have it is downright spiteful but best thing is to ignore her.
Absolutely agree with @NoelEdmondsHairGel do not get drawn in.
This is your moment to stay strong.
If she’s used to you pandering and placating she will be confused by you ignoring her.
Tomorrow go to work. Don’t respond to messages. If you must say I’m at work and can’t respond. In evening do not mention cake/birthday. If she starts going on about it say your birthday is over and I’m not discussing it. Walk away. Go and have a bath etc. Do get your husband to support you.
Could you go away this weekend just two of you? Put some space between you to diffuse things. No need to tell her just book and go and when you are there let her know when you’ll be back. Very breezy text weather was looking nice so me and dad are away we’ll be back Sunday late evening. Take some time as a couple to get on same page and agree your next steps.
If need be op start a new thread as this will fill soon.
You can do this and in a year both she and you will be glad you did.

You’ve gone to endless effort OP.

How would your DD have liked it if you had rejected the cake she baked you because you couldn’t eat it (as you needed to have eaten something else first because of MH issues)?

She’d probably have been quite disappointed even if she accepted it/understood why.

I doubt she’d have made another.
What do you think?

Just be factual and loving OP. Do what you would do with anyone else you loved who was being this unreasonable. Say “I’m sorry if you got the impression I would buy more cake/ more gifts. I have bought three cakes now (or however many) and they have not been eaten or appreciated. I am not buying any more. I’ve had a think and it is clear that I can’t fix whatever it is you imagine I have done wrong. I cannot be both the problem and the solution. I’ve gone to great effort for your birthday and it’s not been what you wanted. That’s ok. That’s your prerogative and I understand that. But I am drawing a line now and changing my behaviour going forward. DH and I are focusing on helping you transition to adulthood, gain your independence and establish a fulfilling and worthwhile life. I’m sorry if I have given you the wrong impression. That was never my intention. When you are feeling better, I’d love to do something just the two of us - a walk/ a trip to the cinema/ museum/ coffee shop just to hang out. It’s up to you”.
She is desperately trying to hold on to the old dynamic as that is what she can control. Don’t get sucked back into that madness. Draw a line. Explain the new regime. Stop buying unwanted stuff for her to beat you with.
I ask again OP. Where is DH in all of this. Can he step up here? Can he lead on this so that you take a back seat for a bit? You seem to be overthinking everything and tying yourself in knots.

You do not understand autism at all, so why stick your oar in?

Nothing you could have done would have helped. She probably wanted something completely different (like friends) which you couldn't provide. She also doesn't know what she wants.

She is only 18 so it's not her fault, but as she gets older, if she refuses therapy and strategies to cope, she will always have a miserable birthday / Christmas because she will always expect too much.

Nope. No further discussion or thought about it. Just leave it.

The whole cake scenario has been an almighty farcical fuck up that Noel Coward would be proud of. I don’t think it can be salvaged in any way now.

I hope you aren’t offended by my saying it’s farcical I am fondly imagining that you will one day be able to both look back on it and have a laugh about it!

Honestly just say nothing. There is nothing you can ever say that will fix this and the more it’s discussed the more potential for misunderstanding and upset.

Dont worry about it and don’t hold it over her either. Model what you’d like to see from her ie this was a disappointing episode but tomorrow is another day. Just treat her in a fair, loving but boundaried way and ignore any drama.

Try to give her attention for good behaviour or gently offer some non cake related non birthday contingent nice thing in a few days time when she’s calmer. Just the little things like a PPs Danish pastries and ironing will show her that you of course still love her you just aren’t going to get drawn into drama.

This is where you now lead with confidence OP.
You must treat her like an adult and take charge if she doesn’t act like one.
You guide her, out of love and you take charge because it’s YOUR household. Every household needs a few rules to function properly. Not to be mean, but to be loving and to save things escalating unpleasantly any further. She needs the reassurance of firm guidelines.

Your DD knows from experience that you falter and she plays on it, always continuing the manipulation game. These small distractions help her avoid thinking about her future.
The effort to stop faltering, has to come from you.

She has to be led to feel secure, not from her being able to manipulate you but from your firm and strong, confident, loving parental guidance. Allowing her to manipulate and distract you, isn’t a loving gesture from you. It’s certainly not helping her ‘autistic mind’ as you call it.

You told her clearly what would happen at 9pm if she didn’t come to you with a solution.
You followed through correctly just as you intended. That’s good. That’s the way it has to be going forward.
For you now, the birthday cake saga is truly over. No need to feel guilty. No more explanations. No more backwards and forwards about it. No more distraction dramas. There are bigger fish to fry.

But first, there is now another, small separate household decision to be made about food in bedrooms. It doesn’t matter that the food is birthday cake. That’s irrelevant now even though your DD will hold onto it for dear life to make you keep bending over backwards for her.

Do you and DH have a general rule about food in bedrooms in YOUR joint household?
If so, your DH now needs to follow through, after giving a clear expectation with the rationale behind it (it attracts pests) and a time frame.
This time OP, you step right back out of it. That’s important at this juncture to break the pattern of her manipulation of you.
So let your DH deal with ensuring the household rule for food in bedrooms is properly adhered to by her.

There is no room for the luxury of feeling guilty OP. Please don’t dwell on this any more. It takes too much energy from you. Move on from it in your head as much as you can.
And for her next birthday, there is a loving message in a card, a small thoughtful gift and ONE small cake with no fuss or drama or reference ever to this sorry childhood saga again.
(One day you will look back and realise that you put up with so much nonsense.)

You are on a campaign to help your DD grow into adulthood because you love her. Dealing with cake was just a small hiccup at the very beginning of the campaign to start introducing firm and clear expectations with time lines, of how she must prepare to launch herself into independence.
You have a big job ahead of you so let DD see you have put the cake distraction behind you and that you and her dad are strong in your commitment to her having to face the future, with your guidance.

Sorry, but I disagree with forcing her to go to therapy. I say this as a therapist. Having a client who is forced and unwilling to engage is not beneficial and is a waste of their money.

I understand how this would feel. I know you mentioned you've had therapy yourself, but I was wondering if you've had a therapist who specialises in autism for yourself, to help you with DD.

Well, I know nothing on the subject but my thought was next year, don’t mention cake at all.

However, do buy yourself a cake on her birthday, cut a slice and eat it. When she asks about it just say “x number of years ago, I gave birth to a baby. Today, I am having some cake to remember the occasion. Would you like a slice?”

Perhaps it will work. Perhaps it will take the emphasis off her. Perhaps it will be a disaster. But what you did this year hasn’t gone well so it’s time to try something new.

And you will get cake to eat.

I would also like to point out that teenagers on the spectrum seem to mature emotionally much more slowly that NT teens. I remember reading something about needing an extra five years. Therefore, while she is 19, her emotions and cognition might be at about the level of a 14-15 year old. The hell years.

This is one reason why some people advocate to have no trans affirmative surgery or other medical intervention until the age of 25. This allows the autistic cohort to develop mentally into adulthood at their own pace.

You might need to start implementing rules as mentioned by pp’s and just firmly ride it out for the next few years.