DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

You clearly adore her and love her to bits. And she clearly loves you. You won't lose each other. But love isn't always doing what the other person wants. Be a little bit firmer, and she will be happier in the long run

What @Terfymcnamechange says. You won't loose her. She is manipulating you, not because she is evil or anything but because that is what she thinks works. She needs to take responsibility.
If she says 'you have to be nice ', I would say 'no I don't, I have to be an adult and sometimes I make decisions that other people dont like'

I agree with all PP , she needs to stop blaming you for things in rhe past and take a bit of responsibility for her life
BTW did you really have a situation where only the birthday person ate the birthday cake? Normally for a child it's shared with party attendees and for an adult it's shared with friends and family.
Things will improve.

Well done for not going home - that must have been hard.

You have sorted it - you have made a plan, you gave her til 9pm to decide and you know what you will do with the cake if she doesn't. It is sorted!

"Be nice" doesn't have to mean "guess what I want and do it". You could take "be nice" to simply mean "be calm and firm about it". Calm and decided is very nice and reassuring especially if she feels agitated and angry.

So, keep going. Follow your cake plan even if she kicks off about it.

Good luck!

“I do worry about the effect of my new attitude on her mental health, I’m pretty sure she’ll see it as her ‘losing’ me. But I have to look longer term.”

She might be losing the all powerful mummy figure but she’ll be gaining the kind, helpful mum figure who is on a more equal footing with her.

Well done for not going home. Concentrate on keeping your temper whatever she says and does about this blooming cake. It’s honestly not worth it x

👏👏👏
echo the PP above about ‘manipulation’. It doesn’t mean she is a nasty child. It’s what we all do - when you soften your voice and smile when you say please, it’s a manipulation.

Babies learn early on which behaviours communicate their needs and get them met. It’s survival 101. The issue is that we also learn that others around us also have needs
and, as we’re no longer babies, our needs have to be balanced against others. Your DD hasn’t learned this yet because everyone has been too fearful to teach her.

She loves you and knows you love her. It’s okay to start exploring new boundaries.

I’d have zero tolerance for being messaged at work about a cake.
What does she mean you’d said you’d sort it? You bought her a new Colin cake she rejected. You told her she had until 9pm tonight to decide re the custom cake on side or you’d deal.
You have to be nice?? No you don’t and what does nice mean.
I’d reply I’m busy working and leave at that.
You aren’t responsible for her mental health.

“You have to be nice”?? She’s playing you, OP

It was a good decision not to go home. I agree if she binned it then at least that’s a decision and you would need to ignore it.
You did indeed say you would sort it and you will. You have made a plan and will go through with it.
I would not read or reply to non urgent messages at work. I hate it when my DD does that and have told her she can only message me at work if it can’t wait until after and that there is never a guarantee I will see it. It would be good for your DD for you to be less available.

Her mental health is pretty poor now. She is hardly doing anything and she is often upset and distressed from your account. Keeping the status quo is not helping her mental health long term.

Remember that having boundaries is containing and will lessen her anxiety in fact.

Yes she will be upset and angry. She will cry and shout. She does all that anyway. She might even threaten suicide. You need to hold the line. Make sure you and DH have a united front and commit to this course of action for a set period eg 6 months and then review if anything is changing for the better. Do not be derailed by short term protests

Honestly can't wait to find out what happened to the cake ...

Update - 9pm came and went, no word from dd. So I started to divide it up for the freezer and she appeared in the kitchen. Cue huge tantrum and tears. I told her I’d ‘sorted it’ by making the decision by myself as I hadn’t heard from her. She then kicked off that I’d promised her another cake last week after the birthday debacle (I can’t actually remember what I said). She’s now accusing me of going back on a promise but it was too vague to be meaningful 🤷‍♀️

So what are you going to do?

Say nothing more about it now. Let it blow over. Do not respond if she tries to bring it up or just keep saying ‘As you were unable to decide I made the decision that I thought best. I will not discuss cakes any more!’

A third cake? Ridiculous.

She's had the option to eat some of two different cakes. She declined to do so. Now her options are to either buy or make herself/the household, some cake.

Tell her that - you've tried, there is only so much you can do, she also has to put some effort into making decisions, communicating clearly, dealing with it when things are not perfect. You can't make the world perfect for her!

I've followed your posts op. No experience in parenting teenagers but I think you did the right thing and I wanted to say well done. This whole cake debacle reminds me of my 5 year old and him asking for beans on toast then kicking off because I put the beans on the toast. Sometimes life doesn't go our way and people do the wrong thing with the right intentions and we all need to learn to deal with disappointment graciously.

You’ve done the right thing.

Now she knows if you set a boundary, you mean it.

I think this is a step in the right direction, even if it feels hard.

Another update, it’s becoming farcical now. Dd found me with the freezer portion as I was trying to wrap it better. She took that potion and the fresh portion boxed up upstairs somewhere (I’ve no idea where) in a ‘well if I can’t eat it, then no one else can’ attempt. I’m not too bothered other than the fact we’ve got (not well wrapped) food somewhere upstairs.

Wish I hadn’t given her the impression of getting her yet another cake. But hey ho.

Stay firm op. Don’t be drawn into silly conversations re cake. Shut it down. Your birthday was 20th February DD I’m not talking about it or cake anymore. Walk away. I hope you ate some cake and it was nice!
(FWIW buying a custom cake and a Colin cake for a 19th birthday is quite sufficient do not feel any guilt. I didn’t buy my dd a cake for her 19th as she was at uni)
If she messages at work say I’m at work please don’t message unless emergency.
Hopefully turning point and you can move on. Good luck.

Do not buy her another cake under any circumstances!!!
I know it’s hard but she’s using bad behaviour to get a reaction like a toddler. I’d ignore and go to bed.

This selfishness “I’m the queen of the household” is farcical. It sounds she’s deep in “mine is mine, but if I want yours, that’s mine too “
her self importance is ridiculous and needs to be halted.
”ok take the cake, but that’s it for you getting any other family cake”

Excellent leave her with her cake to have her little drama queen fit (sorry that's not a meltdown but sheer spoilt diva antics). You go enjoy your peace. If she tries to goad you ignore her, turn up your music, go to bed..

How provocative.

You are officially a saint OP.

I would have yelled bloody murder at her for taking cake out of the freezer and given her most hatful, menacing voice.

But your way sounds much better. I feel stressed just reading about your situation.

Hugs

Oh and this will make you laugh - whilst wrapping the cake, I got into an argument with the cling film. The cling film won 😂😂😂 Why doesn’t the fucking stuff unroll properly?? 🙄🙄🙄

We’ve done the same as you. Didn’t work, wish it had as she’s ruining her life at just 20, she flounced off to her boyfriends and lives off his benefits instead. Spends her whole day in bed, slagging us all off on social media for putting boundaries in place. Maybe one day she will grow up.

She would be wearing that cake by now if she was mine.