DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

You can. It's part of learning and growing up. People make mistakes. They aren't intentional. You forgot to get a cake you promised. You will never be able to fulfill that promise now. So is her life now going to be perpetually stuck at 18yo when you forgot to buy a "make-up" cake after throwing out a cake board with a little bit of chocolate on it.

She needs to learn how to deal with disappointment and how to move forward. She needs to be taught those skills otherwise she will have a pretty miserable life holding on to all of that angst.

You've bent over backwards too long. Time to start being kind to yourself and maybe accepting you can't win and she has to accept YOU as you are, and step back until it's warranted. You sound so kind, attentive and caring and it's cruel that this consideration is not reciprocated. Do something else with your precious time.

It doesn't sound like she can cope with birthdays, so you are never going to get it right.

Thank you, this is what dh thinks. He’s pretty fed up with her attitude in spite of us both having a good understanding of autism. Before the sobbing in the kitchen, she was questioning me in our bedroom and told dh to f* off a few times after he added a few comments to the discussion. She only wanted to talk to me apparently.

If she has PDA, isn’t it the birthday itself that causes anxiety? Ergo don’t do anything at all. Even if paradoxical. DH therapist thinks he has it (autistic late diagnosed) it is just the most frustrating diagnosis.

That’s really rude and disrespectful of your daughter. I’m not surprised DH is fed up of her attitude.

Time to set firmer boundaries I think or else she will break you both..

If she doesn't come with anything then dont plan anything it doesn't have to be this complicated

If she cant tell you want she wants you can't be a mind reader

I have an autistic ds16 with learning disabilities and heavy ocd. Has been violent in the past (to himself and his parents). Needs Sertraline and Tercian to help with his anxiety.

But @bendmeoverbackwards I do not bend over backwards for him! How is that going to teach him anything about other people's feelings? And he's actually very greatful and touched by ALL gifts even though he might not like them because he knows they come from a place of love and kindness.

Your daughter sounds insufferable and entitled and I do think your pandering to her is not helping her out in order to have relationships in the world. I am team dh on this one.

What ever you do has been wrong and looks like it will continue to be wrong. I would accept that now. Ask what she want/would like to do a month before. If she can’t or won’t decide, buy a cake, small present and a bit of cash and that’s it. Then just let her complain and don’t engage.

I’m embarrassed to admit this but I’ve stupidly agreed to sorting out 2 years’ worth backlog of birthday and Christmas presents. There is a gift bag in the living room containing a hoodie and expensive make up which is untouched. Can’t even remember which birthday or Christmas this is from. She sent me a load of links and I bought a couple of them. Last year for her 18th, we went shopping for a bracelet but she said she wanted to choose something online which she hasn’t done yet.

Time to drop the rope. She needs to learn that if she's going to be this difficult, then you are going to stop pandering to her. There are consequences to behaviour in life. I say this a mum of two autistic kids one of which is a teenage girl and she wouldn't pull this shit because she knows she wouldn't get away with it.
You seem to imply this behaviour is not because she is spoilt but judging by the way she spoke to your DH she is absolutely is.

Ah OP. I don’t think she sounds like a brat, so don’t worry about other people thinking that because it doesn’t matter. I also think you are making a rod for your own back if you try and make things perfect for her when the goalposts of perfect always change.

I’m sure I’ve read this exact post (and identical updates) before.

You sound like such a lovely, caring mum, but it sounds like your daughter is taking advantage of you. 💐 It sounds like you trying to be loving and accommodating of her condition has ended up inadvertently spoiling her and sending her the message that she has no responsibility for her behaviour, and that she can throw tantrums whenever things don't go exactly her way and get you to jump to attention. She may enjoy having that power now, but in the long run, it's not going to do her any good. She's an adult now, and in order to have a happy adult life she is going to need to learn to show some consideration for other people. I know her autism may make this harder, but that's even more reason for you and her dad to start working on it now with her and setting some boundaries.

She's self sabotaged her birthday, but probably doesn't really realise she's done it. Whether it's due to ASD, overwhelm, feeling shit in general, or teenage brattiness, who knows. Aside from the ASD, she's a teenager at a tricky time in life.

You were damned if you did and damned if you didn't.

Life doesn't always go how we want it to and she's going to have to learn to accept that.

Im afraid this is the autistic brain. There is nothing you can say or do because the rigidity and stubborness are hard wired. I have infinite experience of this. Nothing you say or do will ever be quite right for them so you might as well let it go over your head while trying to be as kind as possible. You will just tie yourself in knots otherwise. You cant really please an autistic person very easily because they always have their own very specific narrative if the world and how it should work acvording to them.

For children/young adults with pda, the demands of birthdays can be overwhelming - the pressure to pick gifts and be happy and grateful, having to have visitors, parties or meals out, the unpredictably of the day and the huge expectations of it being special. It’s telling that you describe her previous birthdays as “disappointing” - it suggests that the expectations of having one perfect day where everything has to be right, feels like a stress to her, which she tries to deal with by being completely in control or using her sibling’s birthday as a fixed guide to how hers is meant to look.

Being a pda parent is like constantly treading on eggshells so please forgive yourself for losing your rag, it sounds like it was stressful for all concerned.
You have correctly identified her need for control and did your best to remove the surprise element that she obviously struggles with. So cut yourself some slack. We can only do our best.

Like many autistic young people, she doesn’t have the emotional maturity that her age would normally imply and typically finds the unpredictability of birthdays overwhelming and this results on behaviours that appear to the untrained eye to be “spoiled” or “ungrateful”. Some of the responses here reflect that.

The hours of questions sounds exhausting for both of you. Maybe going to restaurants isn’t that pleasant to her but she feels it’s something that she has to do. As a pda, she probably finds making decisions and being questioned stressful- like there is a right or wrong answer, which will make her come across as ‘difficult’ or indecisive because she will change her mind out of nerves. She’s feeling misunderstood and so are you, hence the frustration and emotional overwhelm.

Maybe more flexible routines are needed here so it’s not all about one specific day. Perhaps a birthday month would be better so that she has a month where she can choose things she wants (don’t have to have the formality of being wrapped) and choose when she wants them. She can also choose something nice to do when she feels like doing it and that can be her “birthday” meal/day out. Take away the pressure of planning this one day for both of you and just dilute it over a few days. Same with her cake, take her to look at cakes in that month, doesn’t have to choose one there and then etc etc. You may find when the pressure is off to make a decision before a deadline, she finds it easier.

Your child has been out of education for a while, which tells me that you and her have both been through a hell of a lot, more than a lot of people on here will understand. You’re probably feeling overwhelmed and exhausted a lot of the time so remove the expectation from yourself too. You won’t get birthdays “right” and you don’t have to make them perfect. Do them your own way from now on.

100%!

OCD was my first thought too. I had it when I was a young child, and it was a lot like this.

I think maybe birthdays are really stressful for her. It isn't just the day, it is the build up, the questions, which can come at any time, maybe months before the actual day. By the time the day happens she is primed for a melt down.

You are thinking about making her day special, she sees it as nagging.

Does she even want to celebrate? Is she just playing the part because she has to?

You are being silly to yourself. You have tried as hard as you can. She has horrible feelings for herself that she fights with all the time, as do you. It seems like you are a good mim who is trying her best.

Does she sound like the kind of autistic person who would drop subtle hints? Subtle hints are not an autistic speciality as a rule!

I’m sorry it went so badly when you obviously tried so hard, OP, but I’m afraid this does sound like a case of DD needing to learn that being autistic doesn’t give you a right to be a PITA (I thought about using another word but I’m sure you wouldn’t think of your DD that way!)

But does she want you doing or rhis or are you doing it for you?

Ask her once what she wants fpr her birthday and stick with that, dp what she wants for her own birthday if that is nothing do nothing

It sounds to me like birthdays are just way too much for her to cope with. She gets overwhelmed at the thought of opening or buying gifts. She wants it to be special but she can't decide what she wants. Anything that goes wrong becomes a disaster for literal years after. You need a different approach.
No more gifts. Money only. Unless it's very normal stuff that she uses every day - skincare, cosy clothes, sweets she likes etc - keep it simple and low pressure so that if they don't leave the bag it doesn't matter. Money is always useful and she can spend or save as she prefers.
Get her a cake if cake is important to her by all means and keep the day free so that she can decide on the day what she wants to do whether that's spend it with you, have a meal out, or stay in her room. Stop giving her choices and expectations, it's stressing her out and causing decision paralysis and overwhelm. You're trying so hard to give her a nice birthday that it's backfiring and making it too stressful.