DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

Her reaction is not unexpected though OP.
It was 100% a given she would not like you making a decision.

Do not go into any more discussions about any cake. Not this one or any other ones.

If she comes up with the old 'but you promised' line, just say you are not discussing it and there will not be another cake.

Then when the ants move in to her room, let her sort that out too.

Leave it a few days and then start moving the unopened presents. Yes she will not like this either so be prepared.

Where is your DH in all of this? What are his thoughts on it and is he backing you so you are a team dealing with this?

It sounds like she really does think that nobody else is 'allowed' to have any of her cake, even though she doesn't either. I'd put that as selfish not not necessarily a ND trait.

Is it normal in your house for the birthday girl to eat an entire cake by themselves and not share it with anyone? Her not letting anyone else have any is quite odd.

Anyway she's reacting as expected. You are feeling upset and guilty because she is experiencing negative emotions. But she needs to go through this process and learn.

iIf you buy her a third cake, where is the guarantee that she won't be unable to eat that, and have tantrums about that? She has bullied you into saying something you don't mean. Just say I'm not buying you any more cakes, your birthday is over. I'm sorry you were disappointed but it's silly to get this upset over cake. And leave it

I wouldn't mention feeling unappreciated, I would stick to the facts.

DD I said I would sort a cake - I did sort this as you had a fancy handmade one that you wanted (as per your sister had) and when you didn't like that one I got you another. There will not be another cake. You can choose to eat the cake you have hidden in your room or I will need to come and remove it before it goes stale.

This is the trap you have fallen into and she knows it. The cake is just one way of making you feel bad. What does her dad say? Were there any consequences about her swearing at him the other day?
It seems to me she only mentions things like the cake and presents to you as she knows you feel guilty and constantly want to fix it whereas other adults in your house are firm and say you like it or you don't.

To be honest I'm really surprised you sought a diagnosis for a child who was thriving academically and socially.

Its quite normal for teens to be moody, defiant, hate the normal body noises others make etc.

Why, because autistic people only need to confirm they are autistic if they are struggling? Autistic people can thrive - autistic girls often do well at school! Doesn't mean they aren't autistic. What about OP's description of her daughter makes you think she's a typical teenager?! She sounds autistic as an autistic thing to me. Also lacking boundaries and over indulged, to be sure.

I would assume it was sought for all the reasons many of us with academically capable yet diagnosed autistic DC sought one - because there were issues at home, they were unhappy, they were struggling with relationships and presenting challenging behaviours at home, such as not sleeping at night or other behaviours following on from dropping the mask when they walk through the front door? Not everything in a DC’s life is about school, and it shouldn’t be. Additionally, an assessment wouldn’t have confirmed parental suspicions unless there was clinical evidence of it, which would have been supported by the reports and feedback from school anyway, so the reasons for it are neither here nor there, are they?

I thought this was absolutely normal for teenagers.

Look at the Inbetweeners, filmed in 2008 - all the kids are like this. Because it’s based on reality. All the girls were self harming and dramatic when I was at secondary including me.

All thriving diagnosis-less happy adults now.

Because an autism diagnosis usually requires that you be "significantly impaired" in several areas?!

School hadn't noticed anything, she was thriving academically and socially. Getting this diagnosis doesn't appear to have helped at all, its made things worse, and a young person who was doing well has been utterly derailed by it. What was the point?

there were issues at home, they were unhappy, they were struggling with relationships and presenting challenging behaviours at home, such as not sleeping at night or other behaviours following on from dropping the mask when they walk through the front door?

Or from being fucking teenagers, who are often unhappy, refuse to sleep, have angry outbursts, struggle with relationships?

Then this reveals how little understanding you have of autism, doesn’t it?

OP really doesn’t have to justify why she sought a diagnosis, nor does she have to give you the evidence THAT THE SCHOOL ALSO PROVIDED that fed into the clinical decision that she was on the spectrum [the behaviours HAVE to be observed in a non-home/school setting for a diagnosis].

Just go away with your lack of understanding of autism on a thread where a desperate mother is seeking help for pretty extreme autistic behaviours that are decimating family life. She doesn’t need judgment or to be blamed for seeking a professional assessment.

If you have nothing to offer but your non-clinical diagnosis of a child you have not met on the basis of a parent’s thread, move along.

I also have challenging adult dc and send solidarity.

I don't see that you'd have to intervene with her taking the cake into her room even if it just sits there. I'm not sure it helps you to intervene to try and stop it or that having a view on whether another adult can eat in their room or throw things away is going to help you on this situation. Household rules at that level might reinforce dependency and the adult/child relationship. Good luck x

I don't think you've done anything wrong over the years OP, this is a difficult child to parent and you've lovingly done your best.

However I totally agree with everyone else about putting in boundaries and you're doing this exactly right. She won't like it at first, just like a toddler doesn't like it, but it's for the best.

I also agree with others about not discussing the cake further. I think you're in danger of over-analysing and keeping too many possibilities open, which may increase the anxiety. I'd just say you're not discussing cakes anymore. Ditto for past birthdays if she brings them up. Definitely don't reopen these topics yourself!

My BiL had a bit of a midlife crisis following a redundancy at work and got it in his head that their pubertal grumpy middle child was autistic. School were baffled and had no concerns. BiL marched him to a private clinic who diagnosed him as autistic off sod all (for a 4 figure fee!!). Fortunately my SiL managed to convince him to disregard it for a bit & think on it. They did nothing at all and never shared it with school. Dnephew emerged the other side of puberty as a confident, well behaved, hard working young man who's doing well at school. Its a farce, the clinics diagnosing some of these kids are just onto it as a money spinner.

I would have also err on leaving it now unless/ until there is an actual hygiene issue (does she usually have food/ plates in her room and do you clear them out? If so stop) since it will be mainly her that suffers if it rots or attracts vermin. Natural consequence.

Quite possibly she will actually eat it in her room now!

Cool story bro. Lots of autistic kids, like my eldest who was diagnosed at 10, also have gone on to have successful adult lives.

My diagnosed at 10, now 19 year old autistic son who school refused is now in his second year at UCL living his best life. This is because I was able to support him appropriately and with understanding.

Jog on with your negativity and parent blaming on what is a supportive thread.

Agreed, normal teen behaviour is completely fucked up, their hormones are a mess! I used to have epic tantrums about the most minor stuff in my mid teens! Loads of them have a really vile phase

The only issue with the diagnosis thing is that DD3 was lied to about the assessment and did not consent to it and therefore was blindsided by the diagnosis. This might explain why she rejects it and resents it to this day. That is a very different situation to an adult who is seeking an explanation for symptoms that they themselves notice and find problematic where the diagnosis will then be very welcome.

However it was a lot of water under the bridge ago and all parents make mistakes because we are humans just trying to do our best. OP does not deserve to be made to suffer for this a decade later that would be to buy into DDs narrative.

This where I think family therapy for you and DH, and siblings too if they want, will be helpful to be able to let go of guilt that is holding you back from doing the best for her in the here and now. I do also agree that she cannot of course be ‘made’ to do any therapy herself if she doesn’t agree but other people can still benefit

No, I wouldn't go there at all. It will only confuse her. It's not about about her reaction at all. She wouldn't get multiple cakes if she was appreciative would she? She would get one cake like everyone else.

Plus she doesn't know what "unappreciative" means - she has autism remember? You first need to teach her how to show appreciation. Tell her to say thank you and not immediately express her negative feelings about a gift before next Christmas happens so that she has a chance to do it better. Don't set bear traps for her after the fact - "you weren't appreciative so you can't have what you want". She should at least know what is expected first.

If you had made a mistake about something very big and damaging to her then apology would be appropriate. But this isn't big or damaging, it's just a small slip and something she is creating a big fuss over. Talking about it now isn't likely to help, apologising is only going to confirm her sense that you did something wrong when by normal standards you bent over backwards for her.

So you are quite right - just leave it this time, and you know how to approach it more consistently for next time

OP's DD is clearly not neurotypical, she school refused, stays at home all day and is having extreme reactions over cake. That doesn't mean OP had to accept her behaviour, but saying she isn't autistic is a bit of a stretch.

And OP was doing what she thought was right, getting her (clearly autistic) daughter a diagnosis before the challenge of transitioning to secondary school. Most people would accept this as a good idea. Just because the daughter rejected it doesn't mean it was the wrong thing to do. Without the support she might have started school refusing sooner. The DD seems to want to blame others for everything, so just because she is blaming OP doesn't mean she is right.

OP - your daughter tires to make you feel guilty and sad for her as then you will agree to meet her needs in any way she chooses. That's why you feel bad. The best course of action is acknowledge those feelings, while going ahead and resetting boundaries with the goal of improving your daughter behaviour and situation. Your dd will feel sad and unhappy about it. That's ok.

Are you trying to claim that the OP's daughter isn't actually autistic and the diagnosis was wrong? If so, based on what?

She's only behaving this way because you are allowing her. When my sons are making unreasonable requests (1 ASD) or blame me for something that I know is not true I tell them straight out " not happening" and "if it makes you feel better to think it's my fault then go ahead but it won't help you out in the long run if you don't acknowledge your part of responsability". When I'm in the mood I do humour as well "Yes, ofcourse everything is my fault: I'm your mother. You poor thing having such a useless mother. But who are you going to blame when you're an adult living on your own?"

They don't often try this with me because they know it won't work because I simply refuse to feel guilty for something that is objectively not my fault. I do take accountability for when it is my fault though and excuse myself so I guess they know that I'm "fair".

Re the diagnosis - I had previously struggled with dd’s behaviour but it was the sudden onset of extreme misophonia aged 11 that triggered us into seeking a diagnosis. Bearing in mind that the rest of the family is probably ND and the fact that most people welcome a diagnosis, I don’t think that decision was so terrible. Of course I’ve years feeling guilty, ruminating, wondering if life would be different without a diagnosis. But I can’t turn the clock back now.