Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

Again, I’m repeating what the OP said, it isn’t something I have made up. and he clearly hasn’t made an effort to know OP, and dickhead husband hasn’t introduced them in a non alcohol induced situation.

OP feels uncomfortable in her own home, when he is there.

Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night

Surely the main problem here is that your DH is out on the piss all the the time @jimmychoose ? This random man is just the straw that broke (breaks) the camels back.

What's the deal in day to day life? Is your DH otherwise wonderful but "just" a regular binge drinker or is he a useless, selfish oaf like all the other drunks?

Agree you’re not being unreasonable @jimmychoose

im not sure why people are deliberately ignoring your posts explaining how well you know this man, and why it makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home

I wouldn’t be happy about this either

Do you never have friends stay over, OP? @jimmychoose

Yes he’s out almost every weekend, often til 3 or 4 in the morning, most weeks away midweek with work too which seems to involve drinking. I don’t like him when he’s drunk, I am completely on edge at the notion of a drunk person banging of the walls at 3am I hate it. No he’s not wonderful the rest of the time, I could go on and on. I am trapped financially. I just want to protect my peace in my own house. I’ve done Gen flag share era with all manner of randoms on the sofa every weekend morning. I don’t want to do that any more. I don’t really drink at all these days when I do I enjoy one or two nicely made drinks then home before midnight. We are chalk and cheese for sure

howver I am told it’s me that’s boring, unreasonable, he’s doing nothing wrong EVERYONE goes out and stays out late, he will list off friends doing the same except each friend only does it once every few months he just finds a different group of friends every weekend…

and on and on but I still don’t want to see Bob on my lazy Sunday mornings my one lazy day a week I want to lie on the sofa in my pants in peace

is that too much to ask seems so

Honestly, I think this IS the issue, not just a part of it.

Your husband sounds much more sociable than you, he goes out "a lot" and comes home late.
You don't mention going out with your own friends at all, you are probably focused on your children. And that's fine, but there's a mis-match between your and your DH's attitude to life.
That's what you need to talk about.

I think Bob is a distraction.

If I had met someone, one of my husband's oldest friends, socially 4 times, and they had stayed in my house multiple times, I would know quite a lot about them!
But you have chosen not to engage with him at all, which is unusual.

You need to talk to your DH about this, not about Bob.

Cross-post OP with your 11.34am post. I was right, Bob is a distraction...

I'm sorry you're stuck, I hope you work things out.
Ducks, row...

@Woodfiresareamazing your maths is bonkers. Op has met him 4 times IN TOTAL 😂 perhaps you need more rest.

Hmm. I’m leaning a bit more now to getting rid of this fella. He’s opting out of family life and drinking to excesss every weekend and midweek too. I hope he is not in a responsible job and that he is not drink driving although I suspect he is midweek.

And there's the enormous drip feed.

She said in her first post that her husband goes out with Bob once or twice a year and that he always stays over - that's more than 4 times

😂

No, my maths isnt bonkers. You need to RTFT.
As well as Bob staying over once or twice a year for 12 years (12 - 24 times), OP told us in an earlier post that she had been out socially with Bob 4 times.

Always happy to take a nap though! 😉

I think your DH needs to warn everyone he might bring a friend to stay over after his night out so that everyone is aware in the morning not to walk around in pjs or a towel. Why do you keep all your clothes in the spare room? Do you use it like a dressing room? Why don’t you keep your dressing how in bedroom?

You're deflecting this issue onto your husband's friend when it's him that's the issue. Your first post said nothing about your husband being out drinking every weekend or through the week - and you said yourself that you see Bob once or twice a year - he's not the problem here

YANBU
I would hate it too.
In effect he’s a stranger to you, and you have kids.
I think your DH is very disrespectful.

I simply cant imagine my husband being in the slightest bit bothered if I bought home one of my oldest friends to sleep here after a night out once or twice a year, even if she was a bit hungover the next day! It makes sense to travel together when it’s dark. He’d probably cook us breakfast as well.

@jimmychoose I think the real issue here is that you're in an unhappy marriage. And no you're not boring, your husband is. Its time you and he had a serious look at what you both want out of life.

My maths is definitely better than yours.
4 times social
Plus the breakfasts together when hes stayed over at least 12 times.

4 + 12 is 16

I am not sure why gender has anything to do with it - if I was on a night out with a female friend and she was tired or tipsy or had missed the last train then I wouldn't hesitate to offer the spare room for her to crash in, and I wouldn't expect DP to have a problem with that even if he didn't know her that well. (Same applies to my male friends and to DP's friends.) In fact this has happened on a few occasions, because we live in Zone 2 and a lot of our friends have moved further out of London. It's at worst a mild inconvenience. But neither of us feel the need to stand on ceremony first thing in the morning. Wearing a dressing gown around other people is a non-issue.

Oh OK unsurprisingly the real issue is fundamental incompatibility that was overlooked before marriage and as a result an unhealthy relationship where neither of you like each other. You should probably start doing what you can to leave him.

He’s not a stranger is he? He’s a long standing friend of your husband’s. It’s his house as much as yours at the end of the day.

I get it as I hate house guests too OP but if it’s only a few times a year and you know when it’s happening you can plan around it.

Is there any reason to believe he’s unsafe around the children?

My maths and comprehension is fine, thanks. I read and understood the bit where OP said (twice) she has met him socially 4 times.

I have deduced from OPs posts that she doesn’t count the passing by each other in the house as proper meet ups, he’s hungover and from what I gather hasn’t made an effort to get to know OP.

You are focused and deflecting on Bob when the problem is your husband and his behaviour.
I would wager very few 50 year old married men go out every weekend drinking and doing possibly more. Even worse when they have young children.
No way would I stay with a man who not only is very disrespectful to me but also to my children. You cannot justify staying with someone who not only shows contempt for you but also your children. The finances etc can be overcome with a little planning. You may not be able to maintain your current lifestyle but you and your children will be happier than being with an abusive arsehole.

100% agree with this.
The problem isn’t ‘bob’ it’s your husband.

I couldnt get too annoyed about this.

You keep saying 'he's a 50 year old man' like it's some horrendous thing. I assume you and your husband are both around the same age so it would make sense that he is a 50 year old man, would you rather him be 20, 75?
I'm 41 and I wouldn't think to be horrified that someone a similar age was staying at mine, they are generally the people I would know and be around.

As for you and your girls walking around half dressed on a morning then obviously for 1 or 2 days a year when you have this guest you wouldn't do this...surely that's obvious.

It's also very odd that you have met him numerous times and then say he is a stranger to you.

As for your husband going out lots and you hate it, that's a completely different issue, you probably aren't compatible.