Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

I wouldn't like it either but not in a LTB way, just sounds annoying.

That doesn't reduce the risk that he could assault a child.
Children are usually molested by someone the parents trust not someone they think would assault their child.

"My husband is a constant boozer who makes me miserable and I want to leave him" was very poorly translated what with your original post being all about poor old Bob.

Poor old Bob is a symptom, not the problem

Can we seriously try and move away from the notion that all men are potential abusers - they aren't.

Of course she had a right, and other women also have a right to voice their opinions.

I think your DH should warn you every time but otherwise why can't your DH have an old friend over?

Exactly, lots of ignorant people on these thread who are choosing not to acknowledge that though

I’m surprised how laid back many people are about this. I would be understanding if Bob lived far away from the venue where he and OP’s DH go out drinking, but he doesn’t. Expecting to stay for breakfast with the family is also inappropriate. Both are piss takers.

It would annoy me (irrationally) but equally I really can't seen an issue with your husbands' mate crashing in the spare room a couple of times a year.

Over 90% of sexually abused children were abused by someone they knew (Radford, 2011).

Radford, L. et al (2011) Child abuse and neglect in the UK today NSPCC

This man has not made an attempt to assault the OPs daughters - and they DON'T know him. She made it quite clear in the first instance that he's someone who is friends with her husband who stays over a couple of times a year

I'm not ignorant. I just don't leap to the assumption that every man alive is a potential sexual abuser

I can see both sides.
However, what would bother me is the lack of communication.
I personally have such a busy home that it would be a firm no for me.Id get up and id be sending Bob home.
On the flip side, if it was planned and my home wasnt full of small children, we had adequate space and my husband communicated this in advance, I wouldnt have an issue.

By the way. No one needs to school me on sexual assault or quote figures at me - I have been sexually assaulted more than once in my life - I still don't subscribe to the theory that every male is a potential sexual abuser.

In what world is once or twice a year very frequently?

I don’t just to that assumption either

Read OP's update.

He brings Bob home infrequently, but he's out on the piss a lot himself.

Get a grip. It's twice a year so would be very unlikely your weird fantasy would be true. Go and dispute the moon landing if you need entertainment on a sunday

You started quoting stats at me and then referred to other people on this thread as ignorant. Maybe you should not jump to do that when you don't know what other people's life experiences have been.

There is no suggestion anywhere on this thread that this man's friend has been sexually inappropriate to her or her kids

He's a potential sexual abuser too. Christ!

Do you have any evidence to say he has never behaved inappropriately to anyone?, please provide it if so

This! Sums it up really well, OP @jimmychoose

@sellthebigissue

do you never have your own friends stay?

Here we go. You accuse someone without any substance of being a potential child abuser and then ask me to evidence that someone called "Bob" - not his real name living somewhere in the UK presumably isn't a child abuser because you think he could be.

Ok then - you provide proof that "Bob" is a child abuser? Point me to anything the OP said in this thread that made her wary of him being around her kids?

given that I don’t know this man, I can’t say either way.

I just know that he makes OP uncomfortable, I’m not going to pile on OP and say she is wrong to feel uncomfortable, I can empathise with OP because if I was in this situation I’d be pissed off too.