Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

Have you read the full thread? Her husband is out drinking every weekend. I personally think this friend is the least of her worries

No.
I am autistic. I dont have 'friends'. Its peaceful over here. Personally, due to how our home life is, i would not like it. Id find it incredibly disruptive. However, I would never stop my DH doing his own thing and enjoying his time with friends or his hobbies. I would need notice to prepare though, and I dont think that's unreasonable.

Communication is the issue and OPs DHs lack of it. Plus, if its something that OP isnt comfortable with, her DH should respect this.

Realistically, my DH wouldnt do it though as we just dont have the space. (Six children).

Yes I’ve read OP posts. Her husband sounds like a knob. And he shouldn’t be bringing this man home without agreeing with his wife that it’s ok.

It's your home and if you're not comfortable with it your husband should respect it.

Why can't they stay at his?

You have met Bob. He is not a stranger, he is long standing friend of your DH. This happens pretty much every time they go out, so you know in advance this is likely to happen. Just assume it’s going to, prepare in advance, and chill out…I’d not be happy if he brought back a random with no prior warning, but you do know this man, and this situation happens regularly (if infrequently). That said, if your DH is out drinking a lot until late, then frankly Bob is probably the least of your worries…

Agree. Take your stuff out of the spare room maybe ?
jeez. Twice a year

He might only bring this stranger home once or twice a year but OP says

He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night.

That is frequently.
That is what I was referring to.

We have safeguarding in place for children and women (public toilets, changing rooms etc.) based on the sadly well proven fact that while not all men are dangerous, the assumption has to be that all men must be excluded as "potential" abusers.

The idea that a drunk male friend in your children's home should be exempt from that rule is outrageous.

Thank you for explaining this.

Yeah found it on the last of the OPs posts

Honestly I'd be very annoyed if my husband tried to tell me I could not have my friend stay over a few times a year. I get you don't love it but it's a few times a year I'd suck it up.

Well she told us in the very first of her posts - that's where I took the quote from.

But as usual some posters chose to ignore the parts of the information provided to justify their own narrative. In this case to make OP look unreasonable when in fact she has every right to be upset by her H's drunken behaviour.

I must be blind as can't see it

Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced 338 replies

jimmychoose · Yesterday 22:25

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

Im sorry, I didn't say exempt. I just said and I stand by it that I refuse to look at every man as a potential abuser. Particularly because there was absolutely nothing in the OPs posts that suggested that she felt that this man was a potential danger to her children

Someone else said that he had a wife and that he was staying over to hide something. Do we have to jump to the conclusion that all men are potential abusers around children just because someone comes to stay in someone's home twice a year? Something that this person has been doing for years now - and he's never been inappropriate to her kids

Would people feel the same if the friend were female?

Its literally the third sentence.

She posted later that he's out every weekend on the drink with other pals

I’m not sure what your problem is? You say he’s a stranger yet surely you’ve met him a few times now and your DH has know him for over 30 years?! He should give you warning so you can have clothes on but I don’t see why having children in the house is an issue here.

Ah a lot can mean various things though. For some once a month is a lot whereas for others it's 3 times a week.

Admittedly I did see the thing about every weekend in about 12 posts down of the OPs

The next time he goes out with Bob tell your husband not to bring him home - he's actually not coming into your home unannounced. You know every time your husband goes out with him he'll end up at your house

Just tell him what you've said here - that you don't feel comfortable and then maybe have a wider conversation about his drinking

And if he doesn't listen to you or respect you - then maybe you need to be thinking about the long term future of your marriage

Would people feel the same if the friend were female?

It's absolutely reasonable to treat males and females differently. It's also reasonable to assume that most men are not sexual abusers. But, given that we can't tell which are dangerous, and we know children are unlikely to report abuse immediately, it's very sensible to minimise the unsupervised contact our children have with adults.

In other words, don't take unnecessary risks with your children. True, Bob is 99% likely to be no threat. But why would you want to say he's 100% fine around children?

"Not all men" is the battle cry of the beta male.

Go do something about the men who abuse 1 in 4 children instead of bleating about women who urge caution in relation to having an unrelated drunk male in the house at night with access to vulnerable children asleep in their bed.

We exclude ALL men from women only spaces because there is no way of knowing which ones (other than those who conspicuously out themselves) are predators and which are not.

Alcohol significantly increases the risk that the average man will sexually assault someone else - usually a woman or a child.

We do not exclude all men from women's only spaces. Unisex toilets exist. They did when I used to work for pure gym

And once more - that was not the focus of the OPs complaint - she was upset at him coming home announced with this friend - she said nothing at all about being concerned about this man being a danger to their daughters

I'm not a beta male either thanks - I just don't think people necessarily have to jump to the conclusion that this man is either having an affair behind his wife's back or that he's a potential abuser

The husband is the person facilitating this - so by some people's reasoning - he doesn't care who is around his daughters

I've been sexually assaulted - more than once. I don't need facts and figures quoted at me or told that alcohol makes it more likely

And we certainly don't exclude all women from mens only spaces either - because when I worked in pure gym I was forced to check and clean the mens toilets - as part of my duties, whether I liked it or not.