Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

Unisex toilets are usually single cubicles with a door leading onto a public area.
That makes them safer than allowing men of any persuasion into an enclosed set of cubicles with an outer door indicating they are for women.
That's a weak argument btw.

I suggest you read up on male violence and the victims as you appear to be utterly ignorant of the consequences to women and children or you just don't care.

OP's husband is being unreasonable by bringing a drunk man into house in the middle of the night with daughters. If you can't see that, you either are not a parent or you care more about your delicate ego than safeguarding children.

I don't need to read up on male violence thanks. I lived for two years from the age of ten listening to my mum being battered up and down the place in the days when beating your wife was just seen as a "domestic". (There's much more but I'm not going to say it on here).

My stepfather tried to kill my mum twice - once by strangling her and another by putting the gas taps on hoping the house would blow up because he thought wrongly that she had been left money when my grandpa died - that's right. He also mentally abused her and left us with pretty much nothing as he was a drinker and a gambler. She set up an advice centre in my home town after the experiences she had.

I will stand by what I said - it isn't all men who abuse women - because thankfully not every man was or is like my stepfather. My issue was that people jumped to portray this man as having ulterior motives either in the form of having affairs or being a potential abuser when the OP said nothing like that in her posts.

Me being a parent or not has nothing to do with you either and I don't have a delicate ego. I just disagreed with a couple of people on here - as is my right.

Maybe going forward don't assume that people don't know anything about domestic abuse when it's been their lived experience.

If you don't like my posts - scroll on

No-one has claimed that all men abuse women but it's almost always men who carry out most of the sexual abuse against women and children - 98% based on convictions.

I have had a similar life experience to you but the effect it's had on me is to make me err on the side of caution, not to give a drunk man the benefit of the doubt. My own father was terrifyingly violent when drunk but not at all when sober. Thankfully for his children, he managed to stop drinking when he was still in his thirties but the memories have never gone away and he is now long dead.

What's this? Got to do with sexual assault? She's not being assaulted.

Bob's a random man in the house? This old friend of the DH from school days? Maybe when DH has known him more than 40 years- or he's been coming round more than 12 years - maybe then he'll stop being random??

And what is this 'enormous' percentage of men who are oaedophiles?

Some posters think that Bob could be a potential danger to the daughters

You last reply turns things round - you have an issue with his drinking and fair enough if out most weekends getting pissed

You’ve given your opinion and that’s fine. However, you are now coming across a bit too keen to defend two men you’ve never met and their drunken reasoning against the gut feeling and judgment of the mum who is living through the actual scenario.
She is not suddenly going to feel comfortable because you’re convinced she’s being unreasonable.

i agree with you, and the person that you quoted isn’t the only one who’s falling over themselves to defend these two men.

OP hasn’t had an easy time on here. I bet if it was a man on the tube, a man at work, a man at the gym or a man in a bar making OP feel uncomfortable the replies would be different.

edited to add, but this is mumsnet so you must always be willing to open your house to guests, no matter how inconvenient or difficult it is for you

Yes he’s out almost every weekend, often til 3 or 4 in the morning, most weeks away midweek with work too which seems to involve drinking. I don’t like him when he’s drunk, I am completely on edge at the notion of a drunk person banging of the walls at 3am I hate it. No he’s not wonderful the rest of the time, I could go on and on.

Now, if you'd had started a thread about this, you'd have got a very different response from me.
YWNBU to be objecting to this behaviour.
The issue of his friend stopping over perhaps 3 times in 2 years is a complete distraction from this ^ which is the real issue.

Smh

Female solidarity doesn’t mean agreeing with everything a fellow woman says regardless of how ridiculous it is.

Also the use of ‘cool guys’ (by the way, it’s usually wives) as an insult is widely recognised as a childish and pathetic comeback which says more about the person delivering it than the receive.

Knock yourself out though if it makes you feel good.

I would hate this too. YANBU.

I came on here to say just this. He is rarely at home, when he is he's boozed up or hung over, and you are keeping the show on the road at home. Awful for you. Bob is a red herring.

Husband done this to me may times same situation last time I blew up at him and told him if you ever do this again you are both out and before anyone says it’s his house as well this man is his friend a stranger to me I don’t want strangers in my house especially after nights out and drinking sleep on the door step I don’t care .

I'm not falling over myself to defend anyone if that was aimed at me. The OP didn't say until much later in the thread that her husband is out every weekend drinking and during the week. As for opening her house to anyone. It's a long term friend of the husband and he's there twice a year.

The disrespect he's showing her by going out every weekend on the drink is much worse than having a friend stay twice a year in my view

If the OP doesn't want this man in her home she has every right to object as far as I'm concerned

MASSIVE change of story here.

The responses that you’ve had are based on your original post, not your 10th one, twelve pages in.

Right, so it’s not about Bob at all is it?! It’s about your drunk husband who thinks he’s a 20-year-old. Protect your peace and get away, it sounds like you don’t even like each other.
He’s not unreasonable for having Bob to stay over a couple of times a year, but everything else sounds crap. You should have started with that.

She's financially trapped, she said so in another post. No. I don't think it's about Bob at all - it's about the fact she has a husband who goes out every weekend on the drink and drinks during the week as well

It's really unfair that she's living like this

OP - I hope you actually realise that there is a way out. You don't need to live like this

I have spoken about this on another thread but my mum had a friend who on the surface of it had it all. Her husband was a GP and he had his own practice and was worth a lot of money. They were together a long time but things deteriorated rapidly after they got married and she had to get out.

She struggled for a long time financially because he did everything he could not to pay maintenance and she had to fight for a share in their property

He was controlling and she gave up a good career when she was with him

I'm not saying - get out leave him right now but you can't go on like this - it sounds completely miserable and as your kids get older they will be more affected by his behaviour - that's for sure

Remove the mattress in the spare room and flip the sofa over and block access with other furniture. Your husband might be able to read that message.

Edit - missed update

you have WAYYYY bigger problems than Bob. As someone else has said on here....ducks in a row and plan your exit.

I really feel for you. I hate surprise visitors. Your husband is being a pr*ck. He’s acting like a teenager not a 50 year old for goodness sake.

I would suggest that next time he’s meeting `Bob', you give him money for a hotel room for them both, as the doors will be locked when you go to bed. This is 'your' home too, and it’s not a doss house.

This thread is Mumsnet at its best. I haven't laughed so much in days! Hysterical! The "strange man" who is actually her husband's good friend of 40+ years...! Only on Mumsnet, folks...

This changes the scenario totally. It would have avoided confusion and a lot of ill feeling on here if you’d given a fuller explanation at the start.

The problem isn’t Bob, (an anonymous figure very occasional presence, about whom we are making unproven judgements across the spectrum from an innocent occasional visitor to possible sex offender). It’s habitually drunk DH who is possibly worse than originally depicted, given what is gradually emerging about him.

Based on new evidence, DH needs to be read riot act about his drinking and I’m both sorry and fearful for you and your kids.

I don't think it's particularly hysterical that when you suggest that Bob isn't a predator that you get quoted sexual abuse figures at you and get told you know nothing about domestic abuse