What to do

[saminamama]

At home with poorly EBF 6 month old (cough and cold) and full on 3 year old,
DH went on a boys night out with 4 other dads last night 2 were driving and the other 2 back in at a decent time
went onto find my iPhone when the baby woke me up at 2:30am to feed; and my husband who was meant to be staying at his sisters the next town along was at a random house!
I rang him and it was a friend of a friends house (all men, DH is straight). He was clearly sounding drunk and refused to see what the issue was so and so invited them back for a g and t, none of the original group of dads he went out with were still out just him. He then got a taxi back and went back to his sisters (truth as could see on the find me app that we have)
baby feeding and coughing lots and then toddler up since half 6 and wouldn’t go and watch something on her own while I got some extra sleep (iPad with locked screen so only able to watch what’s on there, with some milk and cereal for a snack, in the next room and able to wake me, quite an independent but full on little lady)
anyway
it’s now 9am he’s still asleep at his sisters
Tonight we are going to a gig locally and his sister is due to babysit (prearranged).
im gunna have to cancel im just too exhausted
how do i go about this to not upset him and his sister
i feel like im gonna be seen to be punishing him for a night out but actually im miffed he took it too far and im on my own with 2 of them one being poorly one being a toddler who won’t sit still for 5 minutes

also can I trust where he was?

don’t really know what I’m asking here just feeling tired grumpy touched out and let down

I said ‘it’s likely’, so no, I didn’t make it up.

Yeah, made it up.
And then referenced back to it.
Like if I said it’s likely that you have a dog and then I refer back to your dog…

I said ‘it’s likely’, not that she was. Because fear of infidelity and/or resentment at a partner having a night away does not drop out the sky from nowhere.

You being ‘bored’ of the ‘MN standard’ (and women are individuals btw, not a homogenous ‘standard’) does not warrant using eyerolling, laughing face emojis or calling whatever she might say as ‘bullshit’.

She’s unhappy in her relationship and she has very young children. And he’s a human. Start there and do better.

Nope. Didn’t refer back to it. Quote where I did. Thanks.

I didn’t realise this was going to be a educational session but I’ll point you in the direction of Google and there you will find the answer to any side or version of a discussion that you want. Whether you agree or not, will be subjective.

It’s ok to not like being called out.

She’s unhappy in her relationship and she has very young children. And he’s a human. Start there and do better.

Ok, I’ll start there. The OP is punishing their husband for not doing what they want which is controlling (arguably abusive) behaviour. There is nothing at all to suggest the unhappiness is anything other than a result of their own actions and lots of people have very young children; it’s not an excuse to behave badly in a relationship.

Ok…
when @Burningbud1981 said that if OP was struggling with the things that you made up that she should have put them in her OP you replied with -

“It’s not necessary or helpful to sneer or laugh at a woman struggling.”

Referring back to your made up narrative.

I'm not sure there'd be so much navel gazing going on if this was a man tracking his wife, threatening to cancel their plans and asking if he can trust her...

Either have a nap when he gets home or tell his sister that the baby is not well enough for you to go if you’d rather rest up at home.
If my DH was going out on a rare night out when ours were small (16 month gap between the 2 oldest ones) I would ask that he stay over at his mums, brothers etc essentially anywhere else but home which would involve him trying to come in quietly, miserably failing and waking up the entire house, so I don’t think it’s odd for someone to stay elsewhere.
We were the first ones within the family/friendship group to have children so someone was always happy for him to kip at theirs.
I do think it’s a little odd you can track him, the only people I track via their phones are my secondary age children, and then I only check it if they are running late or I want to see how far away they are so I know when to get tea ready etc my DH and I have never tracked each other via phones, it’s pretty intrusive.

Absolutely, for some the woman can never be at fault and they see it as their role to support. The best way to respond though is honest and unbiased. Because otherwise you risk supporting an abuser. Even if they don’t realise they are one.

there is no difference to the op when he got to his sisters, he was never coming home last night, her level of tiredness is not related to him going for a late drink to someone’s house. Unless she’s not been honest and she just stayed up to track him.

as such, it looks like she is controlling and wants to punish him,for having a good time.

and that always needs to be called out.

She’s unhappy in her relationship and she has very young children. And he’s a human. Start there and do better.

The post isn't about this and doesn't mention her being unhappy.

It's hard to unpick what she wanted by this post though (which she even states) other than the possibility of being tired and cancelling their plans tonight.
There are lots of things that could be assumed - poorly baby - did she ask her husband to stay home for help instead of going out? Did he offer?

By going out and staying at his sister's what time was she expecting him home. This seems to be the main issue in the post - she is saying she is tired through having a bad night with the children, but this would have always been the case as surely her husband wasn't going to go out with the other dads, stay at his sister's and return home in the morning before 9am, especially if he had been drinking and was going to be driving back.
I do imagine the checking his location would have caused more of a sleepless night and I don't know why she would have been doing that though.

The baby can’t be so poorly as she was planning on going out tonight and letting sister in law baby sit, and she’s not saying she’s staying in because of the baby.

I strongly suspect she didn’t sleep as she was tracking him, and because he didn’t go back to his sisters till late, she’s had no sleep, and hence she wants to punish him.

Well yes....I am speculating that the poorly baby was mentioned as this was something she was hoping the husband would notice and say he wasn't going out to help. I get the overall feeling she didn't really want him going out.

Yes I don’t think she wanted him to go either, but I am not thinking it’s due to poorly baby or they’d have said unlikely to go out tonight. I think she just doesn’t like him going out so was tracking him.

if this was about poorly baby then they’d not have firm plans for tonight.

Nope. You’re using two separate and unrelated examples. I said it’s ‘likely’ she was feeling unappreciated. That she is struggling is a fact, because she is posting here with a struggle.

Whether she is unhappy in her relationship or not, tired out of her mind from having a 6 month old baby and a toddler or not, or whether her husband supports her or not still doesn’t warrant eyerolling and laughing and it never will.

Yeah bur she could be struggling with simply the fact he went out as she doesn’t like it as she’s controlling. No one knows. All we know is what she wrote. And there is no way round the fact it reads like she wants to punish him.

Ok it’s a public forum and people can respond, as long as within guidelines, if you don’t think a post is within guidelines you can report it, what you can’t do is come on dictate how other posters respond.

I’m waiting for the part where someone can explain why eye rolling and laughing emojis are appropriate or justifiable. This is a woman who has been up all night with an unwell 6 month old baby. As soon as you have a clear answer as to why eye rolling and laughing are appropriate, let me know.

Nor can you dictate how I respond. My first post on here was addressed to OP only. Every other response has been to reply to someone who quoted me. So take your own advice.

Because we are all adults and can comment how we see fit. If you don't like it, report it or scroll on. You'll be a long time here if you try to.moderate every comment on Mumsnet that you don't agree with.

Ok but no one is going to do what you say, it’s a pointless exercise.

A 3 year old shouldn't really have access to an ipad but then I can see why you've had to resort to this, selfish of your husband to go out when his children are sick. Mine would have cancelled a night out to be home if our child was ill!

I don’t see the issue really. I mean, he was meant to be staying at his sisters anyway so it’s not like you would have been expecting him to be home and helping you through the night. So you would have been knackered either way. Seems like you’ve tired yourself out even more by expending far too much energy tracking his movements.
Does this happen a lot that he is out socialising and you are home with the babies? I suppose if one baby is ill he could have begged off to help care for them, but for an isolated night out I’m not sure he should have cancelled. If it’s happening all the time and you get no time to yourself then that’s a different story.
You could cancel tonight but do it on the basis that you are knackered because baby is sick, not because he had a night out.
Also, why are you wary of annoying OH and his sister? That rang slight alarm bells for me. It’s fine to beg off a night out because you have a sick baby. But all that will mean is he’ll get another night out and you’ll be home and kids will be with you instead of with your sil……so a bit of a lose lose for you.