What to do

[saminamama]

At home with poorly EBF 6 month old (cough and cold) and full on 3 year old,
DH went on a boys night out with 4 other dads last night 2 were driving and the other 2 back in at a decent time
went onto find my iPhone when the baby woke me up at 2:30am to feed; and my husband who was meant to be staying at his sisters the next town along was at a random house!
I rang him and it was a friend of a friends house (all men, DH is straight). He was clearly sounding drunk and refused to see what the issue was so and so invited them back for a g and t, none of the original group of dads he went out with were still out just him. He then got a taxi back and went back to his sisters (truth as could see on the find me app that we have)
baby feeding and coughing lots and then toddler up since half 6 and wouldn’t go and watch something on her own while I got some extra sleep (iPad with locked screen so only able to watch what’s on there, with some milk and cereal for a snack, in the next room and able to wake me, quite an independent but full on little lady)
anyway
it’s now 9am he’s still asleep at his sisters
Tonight we are going to a gig locally and his sister is due to babysit (prearranged).
im gunna have to cancel im just too exhausted
how do i go about this to not upset him and his sister
i feel like im gonna be seen to be punishing him for a night out but actually im miffed he took it too far and im on my own with 2 of them one being poorly one being a toddler who won’t sit still for 5 minutes

also can I trust where he was?

don’t really know what I’m asking here just feeling tired grumpy touched out and let down

Exactly. Seems a bit like a flounce to punish him for going out.

Alarm bells shouldn’t have sounded because he went somewhere else. And the fact that she is going to “punish” him by cancelling tonight speaks volumes.

It does sound as though she has the arse that the other 4 men stuck to their plans.

But how would she even know what 4 other men did?
It is coming across as controlling, I’d be livid if dh questioned me after ‘tracking my location’ when I was on a night out, he either trusts me or he doesn’t.
As it stands we don’t have any tracking on our phones and plan on keeping it that way, I think it breeds suspicion.

You agreed for him to go out with friends and stay at his sisters….. Then you tracked where he was and called him to check up and have a go at him. Now you are mad at him for a reason I can’t quite fathom.

Next time he asks to go out you should say no, because clearly you don’t trust him and resent him for having a big night out.

Yes I can’t work out how she’d be less tired if he had went straight back to his sisters. It does feel like controlling behaviour and now she wants to punish him for it,

I'm glad to see I didn't miss something. I re-read the post 3 times wondering what the problem was.

There must be more going on in the relationship for this incident to have riled you this much, made you question his fidelity and cancel a night out for the two of you.

So what has built to this?

Yabu... he was never coming home anyway so you would have always had the kids alone.

I'm not sure what you problem is and I'm not saying that just to "be cool" I really wouldn't have a problem with what he has done

Also, if I had a night out planned that I was looking forwards to and was all arranged, I wouldn't cancel due to being tired, I'd personally power through.

It does seem you are trying to punish him and control him with the whole "he took it to far"...took what too far?

I'd only cancel tonight of lo was too poorly to leave with someone else

There will probably be be some big drip feed .. he has cheated on me many times…. 🙄🤣

Good point.

She probably got onto the wives/partners of the other 4 to check up on them too.

I don’t think that’s particularly funny. Sounds horrific.

More likely there has been ‘small’ and consistent incidents that make her feel disrespected and unappreciated that have been repeatedly brushed under the rug in face of coping with small children.

You stalked him all night so know where he was. Children are frequently ill and, as parents, that has a knock on effect for your energy levels. He had never intended to be home and if you hadn’t stayed up longer because you didn’t trust him, you probably wouldn’t be as tired as you are now.

Controlling relationships never work out.

Mumsnet pile on!

I’d have the same view if asked in person. If people don’t want to have honest opinions, no point in asking.

Do you have any advice for the OP or is this going to be the total sum of your contribution to the thread?

I agree. I feel like there's more to this underlying. Sounds like resentment has crept in somewhere along the way.

By that do you mean ‘overwhelming majority disagree with OP on board literally called “Am I Being Unreasonable” and you had nothing to add of any substance but couldn’t stay quiet either’?
Nobody has been nasty…

So he was staying out all night anyway? Even if he stayed at his sister's he'd be unlikely to get home at the crack of dawn. You'd be on your own anyway and just as exhausted. Do you think he'd be less hungover if he stuck to the original plan?

Well then she should have put that in the post.

It’s not necessary or helpful to sneer or laugh at a woman struggling.

I don’t see the comment as sneering or laughing. Sometimes people need to know that their actions have consequences and it’s not healthy for any relationship to need to stalk and check up on a spouse. Either there is trust or there isn’t and if there isn’t, the relationship has far more issues than the OP being tired.

You do know you completely made up the part about OP being unappreciated, don’t you?

I laugh because it’s MN standard. The post isn’t going their way so they come up with a BS drip feed. And you’ve completely made up that she’s unappreciated btw. She’s being unreasonable. She knew the husband wasn’t coming home so he hasn’t moved the goal posts. She’s punishing him he went somewhere else. That is not right and she needs to be told so.

Then the can do so in a sincere manner, and not with eye roll and laughing face emojis. Can you explain what is either compassionate or helpful in using those emojis in order to express concern or help?