First Mothers day NC with MIL

[Coldfebdays]

Just some advice from those in a similar situation because im feeling really sad about it all.

last summer MIL went NC with us thanks to the wonderful lies my SIL’s had been soinning about myself and my DH for years, she rang me after a particular lie her wonderful daughters had said and screamed, swore, ripped me to shreds and slammed the phone down, she blocked me in her temper on all SC and quite frankly I made the descision there and then that I would never again be soft enough to expose myself to their lies and abuse (a complete people pleaser) she has made no attempt to reach out to myself or her grandchildren (she is their only living grandmother) despite me spelling out the truth with proof to boot.

anyhow life has been blissfull other than having to deal with DC’s emotions and questions about why we font see her anymore. But with mothersday coming up im finding myself asking should i post a card? I used to every year with MUM on despite my own mother passing away 12 years ago, along with lovely gifts. Shes not my mother, shes been a terrible example of what a good grandmother should be, but do i still send one from the children? I know the answer deep down… im just feeling so sad about it all, should i take the lead in being the better person?

Really? The first time ever standing up for myself after years of lies, passive aggressive comments, outright aggressive comments and being wrongly accused swore at and shouted at down the phone, finally standing up for myself equates to someone who loves drama? Well I’ll be damned.

Yes I did say that I was having a day of second guessing myself and needed the reminder of how bloody terrible they are.

Thank you :)

Thank you 😅

Where has your DH been during all this? Has he not said anything to defend you or put MIL straight?

No don’t send a card, I know it’s really hard but you have to protect your peace and it’s also down to your DH really if he wants to organise something.

I have been there with my own FIL and I know how bloody shitty it is and how horrid it makes you feel, I felt extremely guilty even though FIL had treated us really badly but it’s been over 18 months now and I don’t really think about it all so much.

The fact you even want to send a card and you feel bad shows that you’re a good person but sadly your MIL isn’t deserving of that kindness maybe try and redirect it elsewhere. Stay strong, I know it’s really tough

No, not if your not speaking what's the point.

Not your circus op. Shes not your mother, she’s not your children’s mother. This is for your DH to deal with. Or not. Let it go, she sounds awful.

Dont send her the card. As others have said do not reward the people who have maligned and mistreated you. The ball is in her court. If she wants to see you and the kids, she knows an apology will be needed. Make sure your kids dont learn the people pleasing tendency you (and me! ☺️) have. You may be feeling some kind of misplaced "guilt" but analyse it. What would you tell a friend in the same situation. This is just you unlearning a pattern and learning to break it. You are behaving in a new way but its not wrong, you are not being rude, your decision to not send a card is reasonable, given what has happened.

If you send one, you are opening the door to more abuse. Stay strong. You are keeping in touch with FIL so thats good.

Thank you, it is guilt that i am feeling and behaving in a way that is foreign to me

It was google...

No matter, OP appreciated the info, thats what counts.

MIL has laid down her boundaries. She has chosen to go NC. However you feel about the situation (sounds like obligation, guilt, people pleasing) you need to respect the NC and stop trying to initiate contact.
also, backing down and pushing for a relationship isn’t going to change how she treats you.

thank you. Its infuriating because i have people in the community approaching me saying things like “oh how are you oh MIL says your kids are doing so and so etc” so she is obviously finding stuff out about us and giving the impression to everyone else that she is still a doting grandmother who is very much involved! I do tell people straight and they are gobsmacked “oh but she said…” yeah…

Fortunately my MIL is too far away and all her flying monkeys have gone with her so I don’t have this issue.
if she knows stuff she has no way of letting me know this. I’m sorry you have people ‘helpfully’ telling you these things. It must be very stressful.
one thing I’ve learnt is that you can’t change what other people say and do. Your MIL will say all tha stuff whether it’s true or not. You are best if saying to friends that you don’t want to discuss her and tactfully changing the subject if acquaintances say things like that again.
you are only in control of your reactions not other peoples actions. It’s a shift in perspective but it does work and I rarely think about the ILs. It does get easier.
I think it’s good that your DH is also NC as the makes it easier too.