First Mothers day NC with MIL

[Coldfebdays]

Just some advice from those in a similar situation because im feeling really sad about it all.

last summer MIL went NC with us thanks to the wonderful lies my SIL’s had been soinning about myself and my DH for years, she rang me after a particular lie her wonderful daughters had said and screamed, swore, ripped me to shreds and slammed the phone down, she blocked me in her temper on all SC and quite frankly I made the descision there and then that I would never again be soft enough to expose myself to their lies and abuse (a complete people pleaser) she has made no attempt to reach out to myself or her grandchildren (she is their only living grandmother) despite me spelling out the truth with proof to boot.

anyhow life has been blissfull other than having to deal with DC’s emotions and questions about why we font see her anymore. But with mothersday coming up im finding myself asking should i post a card? I used to every year with MUM on despite my own mother passing away 12 years ago, along with lovely gifts. Shes not my mother, shes been a terrible example of what a good grandmother should be, but do i still send one from the children? I know the answer deep down… im just feeling so sad about it all, should i take the lead in being the better person?

This. Keep it simple. People who are good to you, treat them the same. People who are bad to you, treat them as if they don’t exist.

Op, you know she won't change, nor will your SILs. Stay out of it, send her nothing and be happy and in peace.

Don't reward her behaviour. Detach. Teach your children that when someone treats you badly it's ok to not want them in your life. Celebrate yourself as a mother to your children. Plan something nice to do. It's your day, you should enjoy it and get on with the rest of your life without drama.

Whilst I don’t disagree that OP shouldn’t send a card in this instance, this feels like a weird take? Mother’s Day is to celebrate the maternal figures in your life and therefore I would argue grandMOTHER is included in that

we were always taught to do our best to be decent human beings and do the right thing

No, you were taught to override you (and others) boundaries and enable bad behavior in the name of keeping the peace, swallowing your own discomfort so that it avoided conflict.

People pleasing/fawning.
Fawning is a behavioral response to fear or threat, often described as a "people-pleasing" or submissive coping mechanism used to avoid conflict and ensure safety. It involves excessive flattery, over-apologizing, and sacrificing personal needs to appease others. It is a trauma response designed to make oneself agreeable to a threat.

Key Characteristics and Behaviors of Fawning:
Constant People-Pleasing: An inability to say "no," often agreeing with others to avoid conflict, even at the cost of one’s own values.
Excessive Appeasement: Going to great lengths to make others comfortable or happy to manage their emotions and reactions.
Submissive Behavior: Displaying overly subservient, flattering, or helpful behavior to de-escalate tension or potential danger.
Loss of Self: Ignoring one’s own feelings, thoughts, and needs in favor of adopting the preferences of others.
Over-apologizing: Frequently apologizing, even when not at fault, to prevent criticism or conflict.

This was me all over, i am getting better but i think im in abit of a set back atm… thank you for this reminder!

I think she 100% expects it. I know from FIL she expected me to go running back with the children and appologising for something i did not do. She does expect

Dont forget; MIL went NC with you. She has made her position clear. She doesnt want contact with you.

If you do anything, you are again overriding her boundary to be NC. This isnt about what you want. She made her position clear. Until SHE changes that position; its not your situation to progress.

You work on you.

I dont think she did it for genuinely wanting NC though, from what FIL has said and from what I know of her character it was a powermove based on her expectation of me and my conflict resolution people pleasing ways to go running back to her, but its dramatically backfired on her

You can only control your own behaviour, not anyone else's. If you don't change your behaviour then nothing will change.

It's really easy to just not contact someone who has no intention of contacting you. You literally do nothing,

You are giving this person too much head space. No one cares about it except you and you've been given a wonderful opportunity to easily break away, so take it.

Only if she's very rich.

Stop giving her and her family headspace.

Doing anything for her for Mother’s Day was never your job to begin with. Leave it to your husband to make a decision.

Leave FIL up to him on Father’s Day as well - your only responsibility is to facilitate Father’s Day on behalf of your own children when they are little.

With the sad loss of your own mother, I totally understand why you would want to develop that relationship for the benefit of your children. But she is never going to be an adequate grandmother, nor any kind of motherly figure in your life.

Stop trying to pacify and appease. Doesn’t matter what she expects. Let her reap what she has sown.

Don't bother you are just setting yourself up for a fall again leave things be x

Respect her NC and maintain your relationship with FIL, send him a FD card from you. Up to DH to send him one of he wants to.

😂😂 my mind is not really that way inclined, i prefer a decent person with a good heart and soul to a soulless horrid person whos rich any day

This.

Don't entertain doing anything for this toxic rude woman after the disgusting way she treated you. You are worth so much more.

Maybe take some time out just to think about your mum and if it's possible, visit her grave with flowers.

Do you ever talk about your mum to your children?

My maternal grandmother died the year before I was born, but my mum used to talk about her a lot, show us her photographs and tell us how much she would have loved us. I imagine it probably helped her. Maybe it would help you to do something similar?

Are you still seeing FIL? Does he not believe these lies?

Don’t send a card, you’re mutually NC, that means no cards! Enjoy the peace.

She's not even your mother....
Step away from the stamps!!! 🤣

A different perspective perhaps....

If you want to be "decent" and model good boundaries then respect the fact your MIL doesn't wamt to hear from you.

You aren't "being nice" by sending a card ... its actually the opposite.
The nicest thing you can do is respect the fact she doesnt want contact with her son or GC.
As nonblood relation you are almost certainly the most peripheral person in all this...

You also think shes soulless and horrid.
Why do you want/ are you trying to bring a "soulless horrid person" back into your childrens lives ?

Er, why would you send a card to someone you dislike, OP? That would just be hypocritical.
Your husband, obviously, can do whatever he likes.

I feel the same way but I went NC. its the people pleaser in us! Even though the inlaws literally verbally abused me and tried to ruin my marriage... I still feel this weird kin keeping thing! I do hold back and leave it to DH now. It is hard when you are a caring people around arseholes!

She's not your mother.

She's not your children's mother.

The only person who could be thinking of sending her a mother's day card is her son. He doesn't seem to be bothered though. She doesn't seem bothered or in fact even a nice person.

Let it go.

I'm sorry you've lost your mum but your husband's mother isn't going to be a replacement.

Absolutely do not do this! For every reason been given so far.

Do not give her any power. Boundaries are a healthy thing, don’t be dragged back in.

Yes have a good relationship with FIL, he does not believe the lies and has tried his very best to make his wife see sense, ge has been fantastic and him believing me (well believing the undeniable truth) has meant that his wife and daughters also now treat him poorly too. They have said things like

Thanks ChatGPT

There's nothing in OP's post to say she's having a "trauma response" and fawning is of a magnitude of difference to people pleasing. Try "moral cowardice". That's a closer equivalent to people pleasing

Nope.
Fuck her.