AIBU fuming over DS16 returning home drunk

[happyandhealthy4]

DS16 went to an event in London yesterday for 16-18 year olds alongside a few friends. He returned home at midnight and reeked of alcohol. Before he left I made it very clear, don't drink or this will be the last party you go to, and yet he ignored my warning and returned home smelling very strongly of alcohol. AIBU to be very angry over this situation? When I asked him whether he been drinking and what he was drinking he initially lied but later just ignored my questions.

Is it uncommon for 16 year olds to be getting drunk at parties? How should I proceed?

I have 5 children and my youngest is 16. I have observed many under 18 parties over my parenting days and can categorically say the drunkest kids are the ones whose parents are strict and don’t allow it. But him low % booze and he won’t go out seeking whatever he can get his hands on! I’d always rather buy some ciders or alcopops than them try to source some straight vodka. Just last weekend there was a party I picked up from and the only ones who were vomiting and paralytic were the ones whose parents hadn’t supplied them their drinks!

Personally I would far rather my teens learn about alcohol whilst they still live at home and I know generally where they are and that they return safely. My fear is them moving to uni or going on a lads holiday and being totally unaware of their tolerance.
My 17 year old has told me that vodka doesn’t agree with him 😆 and he will make sure to avoid it in future as even a small amount makes him sick.
I also feel the more restrictions put in place by adults make it seem like something to hide and rebel against constraints. I’d prefer they can openly talk to me about it, always feel able to call for a lift if they find themselves in a situation that feels unsafe and develop a healthy relationship around alcohol.

I'm Asian. I used to try and enforce a no drinking policy with my eldest. He just went, did it behind my back and got wasted at house parties and at uni.

We had a heart to heart about this. He doesn't drink anymore, he doesn't enjoy it and doesn't like how it makes him feel. He only would do it because others were allowed and he wasn't.

Better to encourage sensible drinking.

You’re being absurd. At a crowded event with music, drinks, dancing, moving around the venue, he most likely had drinks spilt on him several times. Whether you’re drinking or not (and most 16 yr olds would be) you’re going to come home stinking of alcohol. It wasn’t a cocktail party!

Before he left I made it very clear, don't drink or this will be the last party you go to
Well that's a ridiculous threat, all that's ensuring he won't tell you next time he goes to a party, he won't tell you if he needs help etc.
You proceed by thinking about the fact in 2 years time he could well be out of your house and telling you nothing, you won't be able to stop him drinking but you can have sensible no threat conversations with him, never get into a car with someone drinking etc

Before he left I made it very clear, don't drink or this will be the last party you go to

🙄

Would love to see how you're going to enforce that ...

why do you assume he was in a”state” I can smell alcohol off my husband after he’s had a half pint in the house, he’s certainly not in a state! Did you never drink at a party at 16? Of course he is going to lie if you threatened to never let him go out again. I think you need to have a calm conversation about being sensible, drinking responsibly and adjust your expectations.

What age do you think it’s acceptable to come home smelling of booze for the first time??

Op the way I look at it is, kids make mistakes especially teenagers. And navigating social dynamics like going out and drinking alcohol etc are tricky to get right initially. The most important thing you want to create with your child to help them be safe around alcohol is that they can come to you if things go wrong. You need to be sure that you are the person they know they can ring to collect them if they get stranded or feel uncomfortable, that if they drink too much and get sick that they can go home where they are safe.

If you go hard at this, ultimately you aren't going to teach him not to drink, you are going to teach him that he is on his own with it and that he'll need to hide it.

So actually in your shoes what I would do is wait until he sobers up, I'd go and talk to him and tell him that you had a big reaction at the time but that was because you worry about him and you want him to be safe, but that you've thought about it and more than anything you want him to feel safe to talk to you if things go wrong. And then you reconnect with him. Your child is at an age where they're going to be around alcohol and their friends will be drinking. It's your job to equip him with the critical thinking to navigate it, not to just blanket ban it because we know that doesn't work for a lot of teenagers. So are you having a conversation about what he would do if he got left on his own, if he didn't have money to get home, if he lost his phone or wallet, if he felt he drank too much, how he'd navigate being offered other substances and how to recognise if someone was spiked and how to help them, planning his route home before he goes out and making sure if a friend is driving that they aren't drinking and how to say no to that. The boundaries with consent when alcohol is on board. He's not THAT far off 18 and will maybe be going off to uni at which point he will be navigating these things more by himself so you have a 2 year window to help him figure these things out so he's going prepared rather than just controlling and managing what he has access to up to that point.

Did you jump from 15 to 40 and miss out the fun bits?
Isnt this simply a rite of passage, something that all mid teens do??
Frankly I would have been mega impressed -he’s not shitfaced, he’s got home at the agreed time, he messaged you throughout and yet you are ‘very angry’ and threatening him that this will be ‘the last party he goes to’.

I think of the Wham! song
”Where were you last night,
you look as if you had a fight,
where were you last night??

Well I think that you may just be right
But don’t try to keep me in tonight
Cos I’m big enough to break down the door”

Do you want a son who can come to you as he grows up or one that you come down so hard on he rebels and never comes to you about ANYTHING??
It’s time to choose.
Every young person has to learn by their own mistakes.
Stop acting like it’s 1890 ffs and give the kid a bit of credit.

Have you been 16? It can't be that far that you can't remember what is normal 😂even if you were left out of the fun parties

Some of the PPs have been a bit too tough on you, but I agree with the general vibe on this thread OP.

Keep the lines of communication open, trust him to be sensible, and he’ll tell you what’s going on in his life and he’ll hopefully make good decisions. Slowly, you’re preparing him for adult/uni life now, that’s the job when they’re 16-17.

Yeah this is normal teenage behaviour. When I was that age, my parents gave me a pack of beer and told me to stick to that and not drink anything else. I've grown up to have a healthy attitude to alcohol and I think their approach was really balanced. He's a teenager and he's going to drink. I think it's better to support him within boundaries rather than place a blanket ban on it.

He wouldn't have been that drunk or he would have still been falling over/vomiting etc etc when he arrived home.

To think that a group of 16/17 year olds will go to a party and not drink is very naive. I think it is way more dangerous to completely deny them alcohol as they approach 17/18 etc. You risk them going on an absolute bender once they are legally allowed - and that's not good for anyone. I totally agree with the PP who talked about restrictive parenting.

He arrived home safely and he contacted you when he was at the party - which I think is also very controlling of you - can you not trust him to have a day out with his mates - even if he does consume some alcohol?

Is it uncommon for 16 year olds to be getting drunk at parties? How should I proceed?

Nobody can be this naive, surely.

No one said like it. But if you don’t put up with it the right way then you can very easily lose your teen. Teens are difficult. You don’t want to alienate them. So you put up with it and manage the life lessons in a better way than “you’re never going out again” and shouting and interrogating.

It’s not being a “cool parent.” It’s being realistic.

Throw around threats? She is the parent here who is parenting?

Come on Op, were you never 16? Of course it is normal.

When you get to that stage though parenting is really about educating and equipping rather than controlling and managing. I wouldn't say that just shutting it down is any better parenting than saying 'have at it son'.

Did he smell of alcohol or his clothes did? Big difference as one could have been caused by drink being spilled.
He got himself home safely, he wasn’t rolling drunk, may only have had very little to drink over a long evening. He might have been trying to drink enough to fit in but was respecting your rules enough to not get drunk.
Better to chat to him about safe drinking than force it underground and have him go mad when he gets to university.

You are being unreasonable to expect it not to happen, but you are not unreasonable to be annoyed that he disobeyed a direct instruction.

That said, I remember as a 14/15 year-old on DofE expedition practice the ‘night navigation’ exercise to the nearest pub to where we were camping. The group I was with were mostly a year older and if they were having a drink so was I!

Does anyone else read threads like this and think, I would hate to be a teenager now. Babied forever, no freedom, constantly being fussed around and mithered by anxious parents.

he's home, he's safe ...

You’re not unreasonable I guess but very unrealistic.

Your every move tracked via your phone, sounds like hell.