AIBU fuming over DS16 returning home drunk

[happyandhealthy4]

DS16 went to an event in London yesterday for 16-18 year olds alongside a few friends. He returned home at midnight and reeked of alcohol. Before he left I made it very clear, don't drink or this will be the last party you go to, and yet he ignored my warning and returned home smelling very strongly of alcohol. AIBU to be very angry over this situation? When I asked him whether he been drinking and what he was drinking he initially lied but later just ignored my questions.

Is it uncommon for 16 year olds to be getting drunk at parties? How should I proceed?

Please don't assume that just because he smelled of alcohol he had been drinking - what if someone spilled drink on him?

In all honesty, yes, he probably was drinking. Yes, he will do it again. No, you can't control it. Yes, nearly all 16-year-olds do it. No, it won't be the last party he ever goes to.

I think how you handle it now will determine how your relationship develops. An honest chat, you're worried about him when he drinks, as he has little experience, is fine as an ice breaker on this one. His hangover will dictate his future drinking choices, I am sure! But they're his choices to make, OP. Please let him!

When your kid is 16 it is not parenting to say “if you drink then you’ll never go to a party or event again.”
That is not parenting. Thats lazy, angry, poor relationship style threatening behaviour that does not result in a teen doing as you’d like them to. They don’t learn, they don’t listen, they don’t respect.

If you think that’s parenting then go to a parenting class for teens. That’s a serious suggestion and not a dig or sarcasm.

his breath smelt of alcohol not his clothes. he told me he won't drink and yet very clearly he did.

I have to agree with PP. I have a terrible relationship with food and alcohol due to my mother's insane behaviour as a child/teenager. Teens will drink. You may not like it but it's a fact of life and learning his limits and tolerance is part of growing up.

You sound very suffocating. Your poor son.

I understand drinking at 16 is common but there's nothing wrong with me being stern against it. alcohol is very dangerous especially at that age, it shouldn't ever be taken lightly

How will he know what his limits are if he doesn't test them a bit? And better to do that with his friends and a safe home to go back to than in freshers week in a strange city.

Unclench, you're potentially putting him at risk in future if you act like this.

I have so many happy memories of hanging out with my friends, having a drink, having a smoke, just generally having a laugh. My parents happily oblivious, probably enjoying a drink and a smoke themselves.

I don’t drink or smoke as an adult, so no it doesn’t set you up for a lifetime of addiction.

regardless, the way he smelt is not a very scientific basis for your outrage. I’d focus on how he behaved if I was you. Teenagers will drink. If their parents make them promise they won’t drink, they’ll lie.

I’m 28 so wasn’t that long ago and we started clubbing at about 16, what’s the norm now?

You mean… a teen told a lie… about drinking? Stop the presses. Omg. 😱

Seriously, that’s what teens do. Your response and your style of handling it won’t help it, he won’t learn because he won’t listen to you. You need a good relationship first and foremost, so that he does listen to you when you talk to him about safe drinking. You don’t ban it, that doesn’t work.

And have you thanked him for keeping in touch and told him how reassuring that was for you? And you’re proud that he was grown up enough to remember to take time to keep in touch? You need to deal with the bad and the good, praise the good. Talk about the bad without histrionics and threats. Unless he gives you reason to come down hard because you see him taking a bad path… but it really doesn’t look like ge has given any reason for an authoritarian response?

Accidentally voted YANBU, but you are, and very.

And yet, the Europeans who drink earlier, typically, have a much better relationship with alcohol than we do.

I guess you never drank alcohol at 16 then lol 🤣 🤭

Just make sure he drinks plenty of fluids, just not the alcohol kind lol

Keep him hydrated and make as much racket as you can (pots and pans are good) 😉

I’m with you OP, I’d be furious, I have two adult DDs and they certainly didn’t go to parties and get drunk, and before anyone says I know for definite they didn’t, they didn’t go to parties at that age, they went to the cinema, to see friends who had parents who thought the same as me, no alcohol before 18. Their father was a nasty drunk, put them off for life.

Even aged 18 and beyond they didn’t drink a lot, and now both in their 30’s they don’t drink at all. I didn’t drink at 16, and now at nearly 60, I still don’t.

Not every teenager or young person drinks. Perfectly happy with soft drinks.

This sounds like totally normal 16 year old behaviour. To be honest, I'm surprised 1) he was messaging regularly while out 2) he came in just smelling of booze and not acting at all drunk. If he wants to go out and you monitor too much then you just set yourself up for him lying to you in future. As for you being fuming, that seems like an extreme reaction to be honest..

As long as he'd come home roughly when he said he would, not totally ignored any messages I sent him and arrived home in a decent state I would have said nothing.

Issuing dramatic threats you're never going to be able to stick to is counterproductive and daft..

He needs to learn safely and it sounds like he did so.

You're acting like he was found paralytic on the middle line of the underground at 3am.

Not necessarily.

It’s tricky. I think being so stern about it can lead to the lying and going the other way.
My DS goes through periods of completely teetotal and then occasionally drinks but not loads so he didn’t have a huge interest but at 16 would have a cider or two or a beer at a friends party but didn’t go overboard.

DD is now 16 and has more of an interest and I know she will have a drink at parties, however, I want her to be able to tell me things and be open and honest so the conversation tends to centre around moderation. I tell her to please only have a couple if she’s drinking and to stay away from spirits if possible. So far this has worked and I’ve been told from numerous people that she tends to be the person that looks after the others when they have too much etc which I’m pleased about. I think if it was a blanket no then it would be different and also bound to make it more exciting!

Has your DS had his prom yet? Because I can guarantee you’ll need eyes in the back of your head if you’re saying a straight no alcohol to that.

What I would say is I would probably have more of an issue if my DD was drinking at a public event just from a safety perspective. But again - I feel the trust has built up now so if she said she’d only have one or two, I would trust it.

Do you trust the friends he was with?

If you want to push him into drinking more and being secretive about it, your reaction is the right one. Get it in perspective.

I was like op and my son just drank when he was out. He doesn't anymore but he did this. He didn't know his limits and would throw up.

Stop imagining it then. I doubt any one at the party was horrified by his behaviour.

He came home "reeking" of drink... and not vomit. He wasn't acting drunk.

So it sounds like he had some drinks at a party,

He's growing up and learning to be an adult. Banning him, kicking off so much that he lies to you... its all an over reaction. Try talking to him.. ask him what he thinks is sensible, ask him if any of his mates have got really drunk and what he thinks of that. You will get much further if he feels he can discuss things and confide in you and then in turn that he can come to you when he has a problem and you will help him rather than tell him off.

Drink isn't even the worst of it - not by miles. It's actually easier for kids to score drugs than buy alcohol.

I'm not particularly judging. I obviously don't want my kids to get shitfaced or do drugs but even good kids with high grades do both, often. I think as a parent you just need to teach them to be sensible and not judge too harshly if they do mess up.

We have had kids like yours coming back to our house to vomit and be looked after/sleep and sober up cos their mum would flip out. In that situation I take care of the teen and put them out the next day, it’s not for me to get involved. I’m just grateful my kid feels safe with me

Now is the time they are supposed to be learning about the outside world, that should not start at 18. In my opinion that’s far more dangerous. You are like King Canute trying to fight the coming tide, him drinking is inevitable (and so I would imagine is him lying to you because of the way you are reacting)

OP, were you never 16? 😂

Yes, of course it's normal! Also normal for him to try to hide the fact from you. If you mean what you said before he went then I guess you had better forbid him from going out again until he's 18.