AIBU fuming over DS16 returning home drunk

[happyandhealthy4]

DS16 went to an event in London yesterday for 16-18 year olds alongside a few friends. He returned home at midnight and reeked of alcohol. Before he left I made it very clear, don't drink or this will be the last party you go to, and yet he ignored my warning and returned home smelling very strongly of alcohol. AIBU to be very angry over this situation? When I asked him whether he been drinking and what he was drinking he initially lied but later just ignored my questions.

Is it uncommon for 16 year olds to be getting drunk at parties? How should I proceed?

• There was a particularly large increase in non-drinkers in the 16-17 age group (from 28% in 2005 to 48% in 2015);
• Non-drinking did not significantly rise in non-White ethnicities (although non-drinker remained higher amongst non-White ethnicities);
• The rise in non-drinking was correlated with reducing harmful drinking patterns including mean units of alcohol consumed and heavy episodic drinking.

The institute for alcohol research shows that nearly half 16-17 years don’t drink nowadays. Huge increase in non drinkers.

I think sometimes British parents, me included, have been brought up with a culture that drinking is normal and in excess funny! Haha! She/he was so pissed…..

but actually this is simply just cultural. I know the OP’s son was not drunk but ultimately it’s illegal. I wonder if people, me included, would be so relaxed about underage sex or underage driving etc.

Only for a tiny period of time. And then they can do what they like. Better get to 18 and have a bit of knowledge and experience about how to drink sensibly and how your own body will react rather than emerging from your cottonwool as a little inexperienced fluffball who is finally free and making a massive twat of yourself in freshers week.

Thats their choice though and perfectly reasonable one to make if they want to. Id be much more wary of camera phones when drunk for example which we didn't have growing up. But its not because of parental control.

That’s very true.

Oh dear, poor kid. You seriously think it's not normal for 16 year olds to get drunk? The two of you have a long few years ahead. Also do you always use your anger as a way to get him to obey you? The teenage years are a time of autonomy and independence- your role is strong guidance and boundaries, not domination. You would be much better off teaching him about alcohol safety- don't drink on an empty stomach, the risks of drinking spirits, the importance of staying in the group and looking out for each other, risks of alcohol leading to risky behaviour, risk of falling asleep on your back and choking on vomit etc. Better that he is equipped to drink safely than you yell at him and he drinks in secret.

Presumably you were never a teenager ?

As most others have said…it’s pretty much a given rite of passage…..
ah, those days…..getting home (somehow) trying to act like you haven’t drunk too much…and probably failing miserably judging by my parents reaction 😂
then spending an hour or so calling to Ruth on the big white telephone 🤮 while trying not to let your hair get in the way…….
the raging hangover the next day was way more punishment then anything my parents could think up………

I think she would have mentioned it.

Was just thinking if answers here would be different...

Sadly the UK has an underage drinking problem akin to the adult alcohol drinking issue. More underage kids drink and are tolerated with their drinking in UK thanks most other nations (bar Aus). So you won’t get much support on here I’m afraid as I know parents at my DDs school actively seem to encourage giving them good gin and good vodka to take to parties etc at 16.
stick to your own values but don’t set up a situation where your son starts to lie to you as that’s worse.

Try to be realistic. It sounds like you’ve got a good one there, so don’t ruin what was a lovely event for him.

He kept communication open with you. Some kids refuse blank to do this, or say they will and don’t!

He’s getting older so don’t push him away.

MN is very relaxed about teenagers drinking and often encourage parents to buy the alcohol. The debate seems to be what age is fine to start. One of the many weird things when it comes to MN and what age is appropriate to do things.

It is not uncommon for 16yo to drink at parties. It also doesnt mean that you have to be fine with it.

I love it when people come on here and say 'AIBU' and everybody unanimously says, 'Yes, you are BU'. And then they go on to continue fighting their corner and saying that they're right. Why did you ask?

Sadly, OP, this.

You need to follow through on this one, but it may be helpful to review, and perhaps adjust, your expectations, values, rigid rules etc..

Also this.

@happyandhealthy4

Sure. But abstinence from it is your choice as an older, wiser, adult, you can’t enforce that on your son, and trying to do so will likely have the opposite effect to what your aiming for.

Teach him to be responsible about it, and to stay safe, of the risks and dangers. Awareness, education and empowerment is more powerful in the long run.

Ultimately, it is your choice on how to parent, of course, but I, along with many others, think your strategy will not have the good longterm outcome come you would like.

Then she'll have to confine him to his room and never let him out ......

Seriously SHE might be muslim by belief but he is not - he is a blank page on which to inscribe his own decisions/choices. Being from a muslim family should not stop him socialising with his peers, nor learning how to manage alcohol sensibly.

It's unfortunately kind of irrelevant. My mum is a very strict and Conservative Christian absolute tee totaller and was extremely strict about us not drinking. I drank a little and hid it because I was so scared of her finding out.. my sister on the other hand got blocked and slept in fields or friends houses and didn't come home until she could hide it. My mum thought she was all over it, but she didn't have a clue what we were at. One night I was out in town with friends at about 17 and we got stranded and held at gunpoint for a while. And the only thing I could think of was i wish I could ring home. But I couldn't because I knew how severe the reaction would be.

So irregardless of what a parents religious view is, you can't assume your child will live their life in the same way when you're not around. So it then comes down to safety and can your child call you when things go wrong.

Your threatening that he will never go to another party if he has one drink is ridiculous. There's no way you can enforce it and he probably knows that which is why he likely ignored it.

Maybe discuss the situation but agree together a more achievable boundary like allowing him 2 or 3 drinks or allowing him to drink low alcohol beers or shandy or something, with a rule that he mustn't get drunk until he is 18

You told him don't drink and he did anyway. So he's not going to listen to you going forward. He's 16, not 12. In 2 short years you won't have any control over whether he drinks alcohol or not. Of course kids at this age, when they're told not to, will do exactly that. Why not allow him a drink at home now and again? It removes the forbidden fruit aspect. Obviously it's wrong to lie to you and betray your trust and disobey your rules. I just want you to look at it and meet him in a way that won't result in him doing something worse to spite you.

Would you happen to also be from Northern Ireland by any chance? Because the going out for an aul swall only to be held up at gunpoint sounds like a typical teenage inconvenience to me. I mind wondering where my ex was until I heard on the news that someone in the local area had been arrested for breaking into the shop belonging to a lad that had done something bad to him. So I was like ahh that's where he is then. The relationship didn't work out would you believe.

You are not going to be able to stop him. The only thing you'll achieve is that he will not call you if he's been drinking and he needs help.
You need to find a balance

I don't think you know how alcohol works, which makes me question if you're projecting some unchallenged issues onto your son.

You're being quite narcissistic with your accusations toward your son and it sounds very aggressive and abusive - Mentally. Abuse can come in many forms. Are you an older parent? That might also be a consequence of your attitude.

Your son is behaving normally for his age and had the courtesy to message you throughout the day - What more do you want? You sound very controlling...is this the hill you wish to alienate your son on? Don't forget he will be an adult one day and he'll remember how you behaved. Don't end up as one of these parents who end up with a child who goes NC.

Abusive?? This is mad. As is the whole thread. And the persistent narrative that parents can't control teenagers. Parent them.
It might well be common place and I was one of those teenagers but it's still illegal, its not necessary for children to drink to 'know their limits' or to fit in. Alcohol is so harmful.
Do what you like but its not mad to ask a 16 yr old not to drink and expect them to respect that.

And again.....its not illegal.