AIBU fuming over DS16 returning home drunk

[happyandhealthy4]

DS16 went to an event in London yesterday for 16-18 year olds alongside a few friends. He returned home at midnight and reeked of alcohol. Before he left I made it very clear, don't drink or this will be the last party you go to, and yet he ignored my warning and returned home smelling very strongly of alcohol. AIBU to be very angry over this situation? When I asked him whether he been drinking and what he was drinking he initially lied but later just ignored my questions.

Is it uncommon for 16 year olds to be getting drunk at parties? How should I proceed?

Stop imagining then.

I used to come home drunk at that age. I’d lie blind I was sober. Sure enough, I’d be banned from going out for sometime.

Years later, I sat down with one parent who said they knew I’d been drinking and the punishment was for lying. Being the good sister I was, I shared this information with my younger siblings. My advice was always to admit to some alcohol so you don’t back the parents in to a corner. Better they think your a lightweight than taking the piss out of their intellect.

My daughter isn’t old enough to drink yet but the approach I’ll be taking is:

• I know you are going to drink. Make sure you know your limits
• Teaching her safety about drinking ie not Levaing it unattended
• Always let me know your exit plan. I’ll even pick you up at 2am as I don’t want you doing stupid things (like I did in taking lifts from strangers).

He will drink this time and the next party. Give it 24 hours and have a calm conversation. State that you blew your cool last night and would like to approach the subject maturely. Can you both agree on fairness? Ie agree that he’ll only drink two drinks for a few parties, just to understand his limits. Once he feels he’s comfortable, he can extend that. Agree on him giving you a rough time home too.

Id also be wording like advice. I was told not to mix “grape and grain” and stick to lighter colour drinks to avoid hangovers. I also would hit a point at night when I knew I was done and glug as much water as I could. I seldom had a hangover then.

It’s better to have a sense of honesty or he’ll hide things and do stupid things. I say this as someone who got int really stupid and dangerous situations .

Parents who do the “while you live under my roof” thing often end up very hurt and confused when their children are out from under their roof - and their thumb - as soon as they can manage it. At 16 you will find that laying down the law simply doesn’t work, unless your ultimate goal is a shit relationship with a teenager who won’t come to you for help when they need it. You need a practical, open dialogue about drinking/drugs/peer pressure and staying safe, not you putting your foot down and your child hiding, sneaking and lying to carve out a bit of space for himself to breathe.

This is the age where they make mistakes and learn from them. You can either be a supportive and active part of that process, or you can be ridiculously rigid and find yourself excluded from it.

You are creating your own narrative here. Smelling of drink and being properly drunk are not the same thing. Calm down. Back off.

@TurnipCruncher

ewwww… I hope you binned that glass?!

You're not teaching the lesson you're trying to teach and are in danger of encouraging your son to make really risky choices - like sleeping at a house where he doesn't really know anyone or travelling around for hours to avoid coming home.

Or maybe you dont know what's going on behind your back. You'll find out in 20 years time believe me.

It's always been common to drink at that age, me and my friends did. As a parent I would discourage it and prefer DC don't but do kind of expect it.

You cant 'safeguard' someone their whole life neither is there a cut-off at 18 when anything goes. They have to learn to navigate life as an adult and nearly everyone gets it wrong at some point.
You don't encourage it but you suggest limits as described by another pp above which the young person can put in place themselves- not mixing drinks, drinking plenty of water, knowing when to stop, friends looking out for each other and getting home safely.

They do tend to start drinking about 16, they also will lie if they think they will get told off.

I would more talk to them fairly and maybe give guidance and some boundaries of what is acceptable. Maybe something like 2 cans of beer and no spirits, please drink a pint of water inbetween. Make sure they eat well before they leave and have a very large (pint if you can) of milk. Apparently it lines the stomach.

some may say let them have a hangover, but I would be concerned about them getting home etc, maybe dangle a carrot of 2 cans (?) amd go from there.

I speak with teens and if they have a whiff of conflict they will disable their phone trackers or even worse make them show a perceived incorrect location and lie and drink alcohol. However you need to work with what you feel comfortable with. I do try and remember me at that age and work with them, obviously not playing around with phone locations / teach about safety etc.

Or he could have had a drink just before he left the party, hence he still smelt of alcohol when he got home. He wasn't paralytic, so I wouldn't let it bother you. Most teenagers experiment with alcohol.

If your son was severely overweight and he was on a strict diet and he said "mum I am meeting my friends in Greggs and you "WARN" him not to buy anything there but he gets back stinking of steak bakes and cream all over his chops - and you tell him off / scold him / punish him or whatever you do?

I would say you have it in for your son and this is maybe how your parents treated you as a child.

You know full well that at this party and you telling him not to drink alcohol is basically you telling your son to
"RESIST EVERYTHING BUT TEMPTATION"

Just so you can build up your confidence at your son's expense.

You are setting him up for this. Whether you are aware of this or not. I would go and apologise to your son and start to build a better relationship with him.

i totally understand too that you personally may of had some trauma with alcohol in your life or you may of seen it with people that are close to you in your life

however it seems from your story that he came back on time, he probably was drinking, but he has obviously looked after himself and he hasn't come back being abusive or causing problems. I think he is just crying out for your trust

Also give this video a watch - it will help you understand why you are feeling by the way you are

I wish you all the best with this. I can see and feel this is hard for you and it's you can't help how you have felt with this. Xxx

My eldest at 16 was paralytic and needed friends to help him to the front door where he threw up all over the place.

We had a sleepless night that night but he hasn't ever got like that since. He learned his lesson.

OP your 16yo is v sensible in comparison! Relax.

think it had been stolen from the pub!

I pity your poor son!
Husband and I rarely drink except for special occasions, but we knew our kids would drink when attending parties and came home drunk on a fair few times, they’ve all grown up all 4 of them and rarely drink just like like us.

Think it had been stolen from the pub!

That's what 16 year olds do at parties I'm afraid- well at least many of them in this country. It's what I did many years ago and it's what my 2 sons did a few years back. Just make sure they can get home safely and they never ever ever get in a car with someone over the limit.

Don’t make threats you aren’t going to carry on

he sounds normal and sensible. Had. A few drinks. Isn’t drunk . Got home safely

Do you not remember being 16. Or have you never had fun?

I agree this is totally normal behaviour for a 16 year old and you should lighten up and work with him. However, I can also get deeply anxious about what my teens are up to, while though my head knows they are fine - that's normal parent reaction. Be alert to anything that might indicate a REAL problem, otherwise try and put yourself in his shoes. Even excessive consumption isn't necessarily a problem, as long as it's not a weekly habit. Maybe he will come to the conclusion that less is more.

Oh stop it. I can have a glass of wine at lunchtime and an hour later I can smell the booze on myself.

As long as he wasn’t disgraced, it’s the passage of life. Props to him actually for not getting obliterated.

Why was he sending you messages the whole time? This is the time when teenagers are growing towards adulthood and they’re learning about who they are and what their place is in the world. Putting massive restraints on them or wrapping them in cotton wool or having unrealistic expectations of them isn’t going to help matters in the slightest. Put your boundaries in place and have your reasonable expectations - let him make mistakes and learn from them. I can’t see any reason for you to be angry at all.

You're ott. I hope he enjoyed himself. Tell him you're annoyed but lighten up or he will rebel.

If you act this way, he will hide it next time. You’re better off creating a safe environment where he will feel safe calling you if he’s in trouble or sick. Kids will drink with their friends, there’s literally no way to stop it besides locking him in his room forever.

I had a friend in 6th form whose parents were incredibly strict with her about pretty much everything.
Drinking being the worst one, every party she would chug down vast amounts of vodka as soon as the party was under way then throw up and spend the rest of the evening chomping extra strong mints & spin a story about some gone off food as to why she had been sick!
She ended up as front of house night manager at a hotel, stealing drink and finishing her shift almost unconscious. She died 15 years ago @44. Her younger sister still blames her parents for her hiding things.