AIBU fuming over DS16 returning home drunk

[happyandhealthy4]

DS16 went to an event in London yesterday for 16-18 year olds alongside a few friends. He returned home at midnight and reeked of alcohol. Before he left I made it very clear, don't drink or this will be the last party you go to, and yet he ignored my warning and returned home smelling very strongly of alcohol. AIBU to be very angry over this situation? When I asked him whether he been drinking and what he was drinking he initially lied but later just ignored my questions.

Is it uncommon for 16 year olds to be getting drunk at parties? How should I proceed?

Doesn't mean it has to be accepted.
I realise thats not what you said but in general on mn it seems its just accepted and shrug nothing you can do about it.... they're children and underage, parents do have control here

Next time [and there will be, if he's a normal healthy lad] cook him a full English greasy breakfast. It will either make him throw up and therefor discourage further excess or set him up for the day ahead and prove you're worrying over something that really doesn't matter. Now DRUGS! That's a hard nut to crack! Good Luck and hope the latter never happens. [Make sure he has condoms in his pocket, just in case.]

In theory yes, of course and noone is saying op needs to be encouraging him. But I think we also need to be realistic as parents that once kids get to that age it becomes very difficult to control them because they have the means to be more independent. So by trying to control them you actually just create more secrecy which is actually really unhelpful when you're trying to be vigilant over a teens behaviour. If the relationship is open enough that they can feel safe to be honest then you have a much better opportunity to educate them. Which leaves your child much better equipped to handle those situations when they're inevitably in them.

To those who are worried that people on mumsnet take it all with a shrug, I have to say that it does not come across like that to me.

I am a teetotaller so am not inclined to favour drinking at all, let alone to excess, but what we have here is not that, and this lad needs his mother to help him to manage alcohol as part of his social life in a healthy way.

He was not drunk - and the OP is assuming he might have been earlier in the evening but does not know that. He smelt of alcohol, which is not unusual when returning from a party. He may or may not have had a drink himself but if he had he had kept it at a sensible level, and had taken the trouble to keep in touch with his mother.

Her job is to help him negotiate this new challenge in a sensible way and that cannot be achieved by getting angry.

I choose not to drink but respect others' right to do so and to enjoy it. This lad needs to be supported and guided.

Many moons ago my 16 year old son came home from Youth Club and was very sick and I tended to him and put him to bed. Thought he had a bug. A few days later I got a letter from the YC leader saying that son had been drinking and had been sent home. I fired off annoyed reply to YC leader refuting his suggestion and said that I'd tended to son and had not smelled any alcohol!
About 20 years' later son admitted he and his friends had been behind the YC drinking cans of beer that our young, trendy neighbour had left for them in his front garden! I just laughed and shook my head. He's turned out ok!

Seriously? If he was messaging you all evening id hardly think he was "drunk". I can smell 1 beer on my OH if I havent been drinking. Actually sounds like hes been sensible tbh and standard behaviour for his age.

Wait til he finds out you cant smell vodka 🤣

If he stank that strongly of alcohol that you think he had drunk lots, you'd be able to tell in his behaviour. I'd say it's more likely he had some towards the end of the night hence the smell rather than getting paralytic and sobering up and being totally fine again within a relatively short period of time given it's likely his first time drinking

You'd have also known from his texts which he was sending all night

Seems like pretty standard 16 year old behaviour to me - although I've noticed that young people are waaaayy more responsible with booze than my generation were in the late 90s.

P.s alcohol always stays on your breath, I don't think it's indicative of him being wasted earlier. He sounds very sensible texting you regularly, I don't think most kids would, go easy on him or else you'll push him away.

Its not a competition

What if OP was a Muslim and didn't want her child drinking due to religious reasons?

Totally disgusted by 90% telling you're being unreasonable...

Don't let drinking at such a young a age ruin his future. Well done for showing real love and duty if care as every parent should.

let me know how drinking when I was young ruined my future, I'd love to hear about that.

Lighten up!

Mother of 6 here, 3 of whom are currently at Uni and 1 who has left.

They all agree that the worst binge drinkers who get in a total state where the ones who had parents like this. They dont know what to drink, how to drink, what it will do etc as they have no experience. So they go on total benders. DS2 (DC5) had a flat sharer who ended up in hospital with alcohol poisoning as she got in such a state. Its not at all unusual, ask anyone who works in student services.

So carry on with your draconian rules if you wish but be prepared for the phone call at 3am that your son is having his stomach pumped because he didnt know when (or even that he should) stop.

Then she would still BU. Her choice not to drink for religious reasons doesnt give her the right to decide the same for her son. This hypothetical son may not have the same beliefs, despite being brought up in the faith, and therefore chooses not to follow its rules. Just as I was brought up in a strongly Methodist household, which also bans alcohol, and I am atheist and was from mid teens.

In an Islamic households the parents are commanded by their religion to raise their kids Islamically and in accordance to what they believe is right in the world. To them they couldn't sit and watch in their child knowingly poison themselves, damage their body and violate a core aspect of their belief.

I think sensibly that there should be a line. Occasionally drinking. Not too often. One girl ds went to school with had very permissive parents with drinking, all Irish and little to no restrictions. She ended up with liver markers early as she just enjoyed getting drunk every weekend. She doesn't earn much now.

This is only when it turns into alcoholism. They need to learn to self regulate.

Sorry, I haven't read the full thread, but did it not occur to you OP, that there's a possibility that he wasn't actually drunk, but may have had booze spilled on him if the smell was so strong?

Of course the likelihood is that he did drink some alcohol, which as others have said, is to be more or less expected at this age, but it sounds like you weren't even prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt, just went off at the deep end, and from what you've said, if he had told you someone spilt booze down him, you wouldn't have believed him anyway.

A muslim family with one atheist member would need to navigate that themselves, hopefully without alienating that one member.

But as far as the OP goes, her first reaction was to go off in the deep end and that isnt good no matter what her motivation. This type of reaction is simply going to cause a row and then a gulf between parent and child. Why the OP did that is not relevant to the child but her treatment of him is, and that is what she needs to consider. All he knows is that mum is bossy and doesnt trust him.

As PP said, if someone had indeed spilled a can of lager over him then it doesnt sound like she would believe him. Her assumption was that he was going against her demands. The fact that she made said demand in the first place is very unreasonable but the follow up that she immediately assumed the worst of him is even worse. I really hope that she isnt clinging to the idea of a close relationship with him going forward because it wont happen if this is her attitude.

If you are too strict he’s more likely to rebel or take risks to hide parties and drinking. 16 is normal to go to parties and drink, were you a teenager OP? I was drinking hooch and 20/20 in the park at 14. I’m not a raging alcoholic now! My son is now 18. From about 15 he and his 2 good friends used to take it in turns to stay at each others houses. Whichever house it was the parents were there and would supply drinks and food. Plus keep an eye on things. We as parents agreed it was better that they were safe than drinking in fields etc like we did in the 90’s.
by all means talk to your son about the dangers of drinking but I do feel you are fighting a losing battle by banning drinking. It could damage your relationship too.

Controlling parents raise the best liars.

Lighten the fuck up.

Just re read and actually.....there is no evidence that he was drunk at all, so why on earth did you post that as your title @happyandhealthy4 ?

Smelling of alcohol is no evidence at all! All it proves is that he "stank" of alcohol, and nothing else.

I suspect that your fear of alcohol is the issue here and not your son having a few cans at a party.

FHS which teenager doesn't lie to their parents about alcohol, cigarettes etc? it's a rite of passage and as long as it doesn't become a habit or worse then a few strong words should suffice!

He's 16, yes, understanding the legal age for drinking is 18. Did you never have a drink when you were under age? He kept in touch with you whilst out so obviously wasn't "wasted" as you're making out. He's came home after enjoying himself with his mates and he probably ignored you because he couldn't be bothered with your incessant questioning and wants to go to bed. Where's the harm in that? Be thankful he wasn't out his head and putting himself in danger. Teenagers drink, at least he was responsible, give him some credit 1

FYI....the legal age for drinking alcohol in a private home in the uk is 5
(no that was not a typo) but the legal age to buy alcohol from a licensed premises is 18. So the son in question was not "drinking underage".