Was I right to leave?

[Roulett]

I have been visiting adult DD to help with the children for half term. She has two children a six year old boy and 12 month old boy. They along with my son in law live three hours drive away so when I go I have to stay. We agreed I would arrive Monday and stay until Thursday morning. Unfortunately when I arrived the baby was quite poorly and ended up being sent to hospital yesterday although was then discharged with medication. My daughter and son in law asked me to stay but I already had plans for the weekend (friend’s granddaughters christening) so I said no. My daughter was upset saying she hasn’t been sleeping and needs more help as the baby is poorly. I’ve now come away and my daughter is being very short with me on the phone. Was I unreasonable not to stay? I’d already helped whilst there and she knew when I was meant to leave.

As a mother herself of two children she shouldn't be relying on her own mother being at her beck and call. What would she do if her mother were incapacitated by illness or injury? Whinge to someone else?? She has two children to look after, not ten.

Oh come on 🙄, your own family are usually considered more important than another family's celebrations. Especially when a baby's been hospitalised.

I would have stayed to help DD. Could not have left just to attend friends granddaughters christening. Am sure they would have understood that family comes first and particularly as you are not close by so not around to help on a regular basis

Im fully aware he was 'referred' to in the OP.

But where does it say anything further about the DH...his input to childcare? Does he work away? Does he work odd shifts? Why can't he help with childcare that means a 3rd person is needed?

The OP managed to get the inference to my post...you didn't. 🤷‍♀️

rather than help the OP, you've just picked holes in PPs responses, hence my initial response. HTH

You are cold too leave for a friend's christening when your own daughter needed you. Obviously circumstances had changed. It doesn't matter if she "knew" when you were supposed to leave.

The baby was discharged the day before. The dd is not a single mum, she has a husband, he needs to step up.

People really need to stop co-opting the nearest female (who has already done her bit) and start holding fathers accountable for their own children.

The day before! Well that's fine then, I'm sure no-one was tired or upset or still unwell or needed support. 🙄

The father of the baby can support his wife. Why must it be a woman?

I think you do a lot for them as it is And will take further advantage of you whenever they can.So they can keep their.lifestyle..

This, people are allowed to have close and meaningful relationships with people outside of their "little family".

You were under no obligation to stay. You made your decision to prioritise your friend’s GC over your own…but now your daughter knows exactly where your priorities lie and can adjust her expectations of you accordingly.
For me, if you’re family, you roll your sleeves up and help each other when you’re in the trenches. And that’s never more the case than between a mum and her daughter when she becomes a mother.
My DS was ill for the first three or so months of his life with a condition which stopped him sleeping longer than 45 mins at a time and left him crying for hours. It took several hospital visits before we landed on the medication to fix the problem. My DP was working shifts that he couldn’t miss thanks to my shit maternity pay and so by then I was so sleep deprived that I was having hallucinations. Without my mum, I’d have probably slipped into psychosis.
So yeah, just because you could have stayed doesn’t mean you should have, but don’t expect your daughter to forget or even forgive.

It's not "a woman", it's her mum. Who was already there.

And we don't know that the husband isn't supportive and doing his best. After all he will have been worried sick about his child too.

Maybe it's just nice to have the extra help and love around and to want to keep that going a bit longer.

Couples can do it on their own without extra help - but there's no merit badges for struggling when actually family could help.

My mum would have moved heaven and earth to stay and help me in that situation. You’ve chosen someone’s else’s grandkid over your own. Weird.

The OP is a grown woman who has raised children and who has the intelligence to assess a situation.

Why can’t you give her the benefit of the doubt that if she felt the situation warranted her continued presence, she would have stayed?

This isn’t an absent grandparent, this is a grandmother who regularly travels up to stay and support her dd, she is best placed to decide where she is needed.

If she was so confident she did the right thing, she wouldn't have posted.

I know that my Mum would have cancelled attending her friends granddaughters christening in order to help out her clearly exhausted daughter who had asked for help.
I also know that I would prioritise my own children above attending a friends granddaughters christening.
So yes, I think YABU.
I understand you had already done a few nights but she clearly needed you and the fact you put another child before helping her out, was a bit unfair. IMO.

She posted because her daughter is still being grumpy. But I guess that will change when she needs childcare.

It’s ok to have boundaries OP. I adore my mother and I think the feeling is mutual but if I had asked! Sometimes I do and she said she can’t leave the dog . We never fall out! I have a 13 month old so I understand how toted she must be! Do they have any other help? Cleaner, nanny? My mum lives abroad but my husbands aunt lives about 15 min away and she is here most days! Anyone else around to help?

I would have left as I had a firm commitment to a christening. But I would have made a plan to return as soon as possible after.

Shes struggling, so help her

My mum gave me zero help with my first baby. She wouldn’t have dreamed of driving to help me when I lived an hour away and most certainly would never have stayed overnight. So you are in my opinion an excellent mother for visiting and helping in the first place.

Having said that if it was my child, I would have chosen to stay a bit longer So that she could get a bit more sleep.

I think you’ll probably get mixed responses on here, as there is no right or wrong way to have done things.

I would maybe just get in touch with your daughter and say you have been feeling bad about not staying longer, and that you enjoyed the time with her, and ask about her children and how the baby is doing. This will hopefully just clear the air and you’ll get talking normally again.

No way would I leave my DD if she was struggling and wanted my help…in any circumstance ever. She’s one of the most important people in my life. Just to be at christening of not even a relative.

This

Whenever I thanked my parents for helping me when my kids were young, my Dad would say it was their privilege.

I hope to be able to do the same for my children when they are parents and need me.

I guess I'm naive in thinking that most people feel this way.

Did you read the OP and think she didn’t help her dd? Because that is a bizarre take, naive or not.

If my adult son or daughter with.v small children felt the need fo ask me for help i would give it. You have damaged your relationship and let her know she cannot depend on you.