Was I right to leave?

[Roulett]

I have been visiting adult DD to help with the children for half term. She has two children a six year old boy and 12 month old boy. They along with my son in law live three hours drive away so when I go I have to stay. We agreed I would arrive Monday and stay until Thursday morning. Unfortunately when I arrived the baby was quite poorly and ended up being sent to hospital yesterday although was then discharged with medication. My daughter and son in law asked me to stay but I already had plans for the weekend (friend’s granddaughters christening) so I said no. My daughter was upset saying she hasn’t been sleeping and needs more help as the baby is poorly. I’ve now come away and my daughter is being very short with me on the phone. Was I unreasonable not to stay? I’d already helped whilst there and she knew when I was meant to leave.

Your posts looking for sympathy are completely irrelevant... make yiur own thread if you want people to whip out the violin for you.

god forbid the husband takes any time off work eh.

I wouldn’t have expected this of my mum, and I was on my own with DCs

A friend's perfectly healthy grandchild would not come above my own sick grandchild and daughter :(

I guess it comes down to did they ask for your help because they really needed it or did they ask so the husband didnt have to take a day off work to help out. I think it would be wrong to not stay and help if it was truely needed you but you should not be expected to miss your event in order for the husband to go to work.

It isn't about needing help per se, but having love and support from your mother. That's hugely different. And if she was welcome, I'd have wanted to be near my grandchild.

What if he is self employed and would be losing money needed to support the family and pay bills etc. If she is already there why not stay and help

See I personally believe that parents should be able to manage their work commitments without relying on help from grandparents or at least without expecting grandparents to miss out on their own social lives.

I get how this would have been different if they were still in the midst of the crisis.

Christenings are usually on a Sunday? So you could have stayed a couple of days extra and done the christening?

My mum and dad both came down to help when my daughter was very ill and there are 2 parents plus my 5 year old. It's exhausting when you're child is so ill they need to be hospitalised, plus juggling another child and work demands. I would have been extremely upset if I had asked for help and she had said no. They also live 2 hours away. The christening of someone you barely know is not as important as your own family.

Sometimes you just need your mum.

Maybe she just wanted some unconditional love for a few days. Baby illness is tough, OP might be the only person she trusts to be there help all four of them.

With family like this, who needs enemies.

it would be a huge finger up in my head to my mum if she had turned her back on me in my hour or need

Id be upset if my mum put her friends grandaughters christening above me and her grandkids. Hospitals stays are exhausting and id want my mum around.

My mum wouldnt do this though. She would drop everything to help.

In my opinion, you've let your DD down. She needed you. Yes, initially you'd agreed to stay until Thursday, but a hospital visit, with such a young baby, is a family crisis. Stress and lack of sleep damages health and wellbeing. I wouldn't want that for my DD. You walked out at a time of need, to go to a party. It's ironic that you are going to a Christian ceremony. Run it passed the pastor, your compassion is surely lacking.

That’s idealistic though. Dealing with small kids is stressful, exhausting and often wrecks marriages. We don’t live in communities much anymore.

Huge amounts of grandparents help with child care now, it's well known and been this way for quite a while. The cost of everything, understandably SAHM's are rarer and grandparents often look after the children in the week, school runs and I daresay in emergencies/short notice too. So much so now there's advice on grandparents to set boundaries and reduce burnout.. Looking after young, energetic children and babies when they themselves find it harder to match the energy isn't easy and let's not forget it's probably unpaid child care.

There's also no mention of hubby helping/take the day off or his own mum coming to help? She may live nearer and perhaps no plans. Community spirit shouldn't lie on one persons shoulders after all.

The OP did say the father was working but around in the evenings and overnight, kinda implying he was helpful when around. It also sounds like he hadn't needed to take any time off yet as the OP was already there.

He most likely did take the next days off. But, personally I still would have liked my mother to stick around, even if just for the next 24hrs. Obviously OP had plans and that's fine to say no, but her daughter is entitled to be upset.

Neither party is wrong in this scenario IMO.

ETA: Maybe the daughter did subsequently ask other family or friends for help. Probably asked her mother first because she wanted someone close and her mother (OP) was already there.
The OP has gone AWOL though i think so not sure we'll ever get any questions answered.

I would have cancelled my plans and stayed for my DD. She asked you to stay, she said she needed you and you chose not to. Your choice but not one I would have made.

Just because you CAN do something by yourself doesn’t mean you have to and doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help.

and the grandmother role can be amazing I remember the first week or looking after DD by myself I was stressed and in tears and it was my grandmother who I spoke to on the phone who got me through it. One whom I spoke to regularly on the phone and took the kids to see because that is the relationship we had

the OP has set out her side of where the lines are the daughter has a right to as well

I would have stayed and helped.

I had DC in and out of hospital when small with no help other than my DH and it was hell. I either had to deal with everything alone whilst DH worked or DH had to take time off meaning he didn't get paid. It has a huge financial impact on the family even just 1 missed shift. Particularly with how expensive everything is at the moment.

Yes your DD & DH will manage because they have no other choice.

I am interested in how much time do you spend with your Dgc and Dd? Do you only visit at school holidays ect? If this is the case and I was you, I would have bitten my DDs hand 9ff to spend extra time with them.

A christening unless of another DGC or if you are a godparent is never more important than the people we love.

Heartless. I would have stayed. Most decent mothers who love their daughter would have stayed.

It's ironic you ditched them for a christening.

I couldn’t personally put a christening over my daughter & granddaughter no way.

What about the Dads Mum etc why is this being ignored? Maybe the Gran is tired too. As a single parent with no help around myself I’d be happy that she came and stayed and understand that she can’t and won’t always be there to help out. Parenting is tough but it’s not the Grandparents responsibility end of day. Dads family need to help out too

They weren't the ones right there at the time of asking, were they?

OP was staying and got asked to stay longer.

(And her dd probably wanted her mum, not his mum.)

You know that some parents don't get help from grandparents, ever?
She should be grateful.

They should be grateful for the help you did offer, instead of feeling entitled to more.
most people I know don't get that much (if any).