Was I right to leave?

[Roulett]

I have been visiting adult DD to help with the children for half term. She has two children a six year old boy and 12 month old boy. They along with my son in law live three hours drive away so when I go I have to stay. We agreed I would arrive Monday and stay until Thursday morning. Unfortunately when I arrived the baby was quite poorly and ended up being sent to hospital yesterday although was then discharged with medication. My daughter and son in law asked me to stay but I already had plans for the weekend (friend’s granddaughters christening) so I said no. My daughter was upset saying she hasn’t been sleeping and needs more help as the baby is poorly. I’ve now come away and my daughter is being very short with me on the phone. Was I unreasonable not to stay? I’d already helped whilst there and she knew when I was meant to leave.

Well, if you read to the end of the op, you will have seen that the op's daughter asked for more help and she said no. She said no because she had made a commitment to attend a friend's granddaughter's christening.

Not bizarre at all if you actually think. Or read. Take your pick

So what you actually meant is that you were naive to think that people don’t provide as much help as you demand of them without understanding that they may have other obligations?

You don’t sound naive, you sound entitled.

Not bizarre at all if you actually think. Or read. Take your pick

Miao. Sheathe those claws, you are definitely not naive.

💯 Perfectly put.

Where exactly did the OPs daughter DEMAND more help?
She asked, the OP declined, the daughter is entitled to be upset (albeit the OP is also entitled to decline to cancel her plans).

You're sensationalising it by adding words like DEMAND in leiu of ASKED.

When you don’t accept someone’s refusal with good grace, then you are placing demands on them.

Funny how you don’t see all the people sensationalising the OP’s decline into something massive, even though the dd has a husband.

Personally I would have stayed if it was my daughter. However, I have put YANBU as she is a grown woman who should be able to look after herself and her child who also lives with a grown man who should also be able to do the same.

You were unkind to your daughter and family they needed your help at this difficult time

unless there’s a massive drip feed and you drive 3 hours each way every month to baby sit, then I think you made the wrong call OP. I feel hugely upset on your daughter’s behalf that she asked for help when she was feeling shaken and fragile and you prioritised a random child over helping your own daughter and grandchild who had had a genuinely awful awful week. Your poor DD.

2 adults for a 6yo and a baby. Sick or not that's not exactly tricky ratios. You helped plenty. Dad could take Friday off or do a night shift if needed.

It’s also very likely that the baby was discharged with strict instruction to come back to A&E if anything suddenly changed. Babies can deteriorate quickly and just because they were discharged doesn’t mean that they’re 100%. I doubt that your DD was getting any sleep at all monitoring the baby so closely. What a sorry situation.

They aren't sensationalising... they are giving opinions. You're changing the narrative.

If my daughter asked, I would have genuinely known she needed my support, and I would have stayed. I’m sure a good friend would understand.

My mum would have stayed to help out and out of worry for my baby but my mum has been an amazing grandparent to my 2 kids so I would not have needed to ask.

This kind of comment makes me feel really sad. If you can’t rely on your mum in a crisis, who can you rely on. When staying in hospital with a sick child, you have very little sleep and it’s a high stress situation.

Your friend will not remember whether you were at her granddaughter’s christening in five year’s time, but your daughter will remember that you weren’t there for her in a time of crisis.

A Friends granddaughter christening really shouldn’t take priority over supporting your family, your daughter and your sick little grandchild. It’s a few hours at a christening, maybe put your granddaughter before your friends grandchild- I could see how that would pmo enough to be annoyed with you: of course they knew your original plan to leave Thursday but it wasn’t like they planned something they needed support.

You were inflexible, plans can and sometimes have to change. Wouldn't your friend have understood? Might they think you're weird for not putting your family first. Your daughter asked because she needed your help unless she asks alot of you generally. You felt you'd done enough which is fine. In her shoes, would you have wanted help/support?

Your friend’s grandchild doesn’t trump your own child!

I wouldn’t have refused a direct request for help like that and if your daughter knows your reasons are a social event I expect she is incredibly hurt. Rightly so.

I agree with this 💯. Sometimes dad and other relatives have to step up. You've done your bit OP so don't be guilt tripped on this. 🤔

Yes, because a Christening is so much more important than supporting your child.

A social engagement where you're not that important should definitely trump the needs of your daughter and grandchild.

But she can rely on her mum, her mum regularly travels up to stay days with her dd to support her with childcare. The dd was discharged from hospital so was fine to be home with her parents.

It makes me really sad that just because OP had a prior commitment this time, you’ve dismissed all her other help and support as worthless.

Again, there is a husband and father at home who is perfectly capable of supporting his wife and child.

Funny how people think the husband’s plans (work) are more important than OP’s plans.

Most employers allow parental leave for child sickness, he should take time off for his family.

Was attending the christening about a commitment to someone you’re very close to or were you making a point of only staying for the agreed time? If you couldn’t miss it, maybe you could have compromised and left the Friday evening or come back after the christening.

Your daughter went through a scary time which emotionally and physically exhausted her (feelings she’s still experiencing) and she feels hurt her mum couldn’t give her that extra time, so of course she’s going to be off with you. If you regret it, acknowledge it and suggest a time when you can come back and support her. If you don’t regret it, you’ll have to accept her reaction and hope it doesn’t damage your relationship.

A daughter can be in the mood sometimes, especially when she is a teenager. But you must stay focused and roll with the punches during this time or they stress you out.

so you put a friends grandchild over your own ..you daughter will always remember this .. you reap what you sow OP