Made to feel uncomfortable

[Scottishlassie10]

Now I’m all for people wearing what they want but I do think there is a time and a place. My husband was in the health club last night relaxing in the jacuzzi when a group of young women in their early 20s wearing bikinis that left little to the imagination (think thong bottoms and boobs barely covered) started parading around. They came into the jacuzzi which I know they’re entitled to do, however 2 sat next to him and 2 directly facing. It’s quite a big jacuzzi so they had no need to sit where they did. He was the only male in. He felt he had no option to leave as this made him feel quite uncomfortable. Now I may be unreasonable in my thinking but I do think if the shoe was on the other foot and a male was to strut around the poolside in a thong or a group of men where to sit in an empty jacuzzi in close proximity to a female complaints would be made.

In your opinion…

Like I said, I don’t want my child calling women’s bodies gross. It obviously doesn’t bother you so crack on.

Exactly. Men of course can and do feel uncomfortable, what they shouldn't do is explain this discomfort by describing breast and arse rubbing, bum cheeks, parading and strutting or else it makes them look and sound like creeps with an agenda.

Your husband is totally allowed to feel like this, it's just a him problem, that's all. Women are always told their feelings are their problem to deal with, so if this is the first time he's ever encountered the concept, he could speak to a few women for some coping strategies.

It's not about being allowed in my view. There is nothing wrong with your husband saying that he felt uncomfortable with four young girls getting in a jacuzzi. It's the descriptors of them washing and the thongs that have made some people uncomfortable

I don't personally think that women being in a jacuzzi with skimpy bottoms on is the worst thing in the world - I'm not a fan of women being shamed for what they wear - and I suspect that's why you have had some pushback.

I will die on the hill that people can wear what they want without being hung out to dry as long as they aren't naked in a public place . They weren't naked. They didn't make unwanted sexual comments at your husband. I do get why he felt uncomfortable but in my view your comments were shaming them

Yes, men are a bigger threat to everyone than women are. I don't think anyone is disputing that.

That doesn't mean that women can do no wrong or that somehow what we're discussing on this thread is anti-women.

I am also sick of you and others accusing the young girl of calling women 'gross'. She did not. She said 'it was gross', it being the situation of being surrounded by near-naked boobs and bums. People going on and on as though the girl was yelling abuse at women in the water park. It's dishonest. It's perfectly clear what the situation was. You just love to get on your high horse and act like you're defending women, when what you're actually doing is attacking them for perceived slights, misuse of language, or other petty nonsense that really only happened in your head.

I don't wear tiny bikinis. I'm 50. Im just not so insecure that I care that younger women who look amazing do. I also don't stare at their vulvas.

Yes. A few pp have mentioned some things that he can do to manage this kind of situation, so that he copes with it effectively should it occur again.
Perhaps if he sees women in a shower and believes they are rubbing their breasts and bottoms in a provocative way, he can look at something else in order to relieve his discomfort.

'She said 'it was gross', it being the situation of being surrounded by near-naked boobs and bums'

Saying it was gross is of course referring to the bodies she was hardly commenting on the decor. She will encounter near naked boobs and bums in pool areas. She needs to focus on the activities and slides and not judge others, it isn't a nice trait. Why hasn't she been taught better?

If DH goes on to have a jacuzzi tomorrow, say, and young women get in, he could just close his eyes and relax, or look at the water, or maybe say hello, looking at their faces. The outfits will be underwater and blurred by the bubbles I would think. He may avoid discomfort this way.

I'm so sorry. Let me make my point more clearly.

I'm a man in my mid 60s; never in my life have I seen a gaggle of young women flaunt themselves in an effort to seduce me, to tease me, to make me feel uncomfortable. That may be because I'm pug-ugly or just very unobservant; but I've never witnessed the same behaviour aimed at great looking young guys either. May be I've just lived a sheltered life

But when a guy tells me that half a dozen scantily clad women were strutting their stuff to get his attention in a swimming pool, rubbing their boobs and bums in a public shower in front of him and that they surrounded him in a jacuzzi, sitting up close and personal, I call bullshit. In his dreams...

That doesn't mean that women can do no wrong or that somehow what we're discussing on this thread is anti-women.
Nobody has says women can’t do anything wrong. The problem is that you think women choosing to wear a particular style of swimwear is wrong. Many of us disagree with this and think that women should be able to choose what to wear without being judged.

I am also sick of you and others accusing the young girl of calling women 'gross'. She did not. She said 'it was gross', it being the situation of being surrounded by near-naked boobs and bums. People going on and on as though the girl was yelling abuse at women in the water park. It's dishonest.

No, that’s not what has happened at all.

It's perfectly clear what the situation was. You just love to get on your high horse and act like you're defending women, when what you're actually doing is attacking them for perceived slights, misuse of language, or other petty nonsense that really only happened in your head.

What you view as ‘petty nonsense’ others see as internalised misogyny and outright sexism.

Oh the little girl isn't nice. She needs to be taught better. She needs to make sure she has no boundaries around people's bodies, because that's judgemental.

Yes, yes, very feminist of you.

I said it isn't a nice trait to judge other people and call a 'situation' gross because their bikini clad body is nearby.

Just think for a moment. How easy would it be for someone to make a false accusation in the situation that the OP describes? Look at the accusations of posters on here, implying that OP’s husband was obviously looking too long if he could notice which body parts they were washing and which were on display.

You can’t really see underneath the bubbles of a jacuzzi. They sat themselves close to OP’s husband. All he had to do was accidentally brush his toe or knee against someone as he shifted position and they could have accused him of touching them on purpose and it would be their word against his. i absolutely would have advised any decent man to get straight out in that situation as soon as the group got in. Purely because of what people make up in their heads about what must have happened. Because pervert men.

Sad times for our sons .

But you’re judging others. That’s not nice. Why weren’t you taught better?

I think that wearing swimwear that displays any of your private parts is inappropriate in most situations, yes. Especially when children are around. Not least because as many commenters on this thread have said, they wear this style of swimwear because it makes them feel sexy. I do not understand the need to feel sexy at a waterpark or spa, and certainly not where children are present. So yes, I do judge people who don't dress appropriately and who make others around them feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. This applies to both men and women.

What's internalised misogyny? A young girl feeling embarrassed by being surrounded by near-naked bodies? I don't think you understand the words you are using, tbh.

Yes good idea. Maybe avoid the neck craning to view breast rubbing in the showers..

I know what you said, Gloria. Apparently you don't.

Agreed. If he had stayed and “looked at their faces and smiled” then that would have been deemed creepy and pervy too.

I'm judging someone sneering at bodies. I'm not judging their buttocks, that is not normal or ok.

I do, but in a public space they can still walk away.

Why is it wrong to feel sexy/attractive in the presence of children? Are you confusing feeling attractive and sexy with having sex?

I fully understand the meaning of internalised misogyny, there have been multiple examples on this thread. Perhaps you should look it up as I’m not sure you understand its meaning.

Exactly. He can't win. Whatever he did in this situation would be deemed pervy and wrong.

Fwiw, I think getting out the jacuzzi and leaving was the right and only thing to do in that situation. I also think that a younger or less confident man may have felt absolutely mortified and not known what to do. We know that women often freeze in these kinds of situations; men sometimes do, too. It's almost like men are human, too.

Can they? Be thankful that you think that’s true.
Unfortunately I know of too many occasions where men have physically prevented that from happening. Sometimes with the worst possible outcome.

He could've left and told his wife he felt uncomfortable. The end.
It's the descriptions from both him and the op that are the problem.