Ex has moved on, feel sick

[Twinsmamma]

I write this as I lay wide awake another night as my mind is spinning. I’ll try and summarise, I was with my ex for 7 years, 2 beautiful twins together, the relationship grew toxic over the years due to him making me feel unappreciated as a mother, I felt invisible and it led to me feeling resentful and i looked at him through a very negative lense, which he felt. It all came to blows last summer and he left, initially I felt shock, then relief, then sadness. We’ve never really had a transparent conversation about anything, initially it led to further conflict so he would say “see! this is why we’ll never work” and exit the conversation. But over the last few months we’ve grown back a lot of respect for each other and are being much kinder to each other, it’s been great and quite frankly, I’m desperate to give it another go (start dating each other, I’m not expecting him to move back in as i don’t want the kids to be impacted unless it’s going to work) the big BUT here is, he’s started dating someone and “really likes her” I'm devastated. I feel a greater pain and sadness than I did when he left, it’s obviously jealousy and rejection and loss all hitting me at once but I quite frankly can’t deal with it. I’m not sleeping or eating, I’m trying so hard to pour all my energy into my children but I have to keep leaving the room as I’m crying constantly. Has anyone experienced this. AIBU to want him back to this extent? I’m nervous to broach the subject with him as fear he’ll say he just doesn’t want to be with me (I did beg him to come home when he first told me about her) which I don’t want to revisit that for my own dignity. But I feel like my life/ future/ person I love is slipping away from me and I don’t know what to do,

Firstly, I sympathise OP as I remember that feeling when my ex told me they were seeing someone new, and it was awful. Even though it was my choice for us to split and I knew we weren’t right for each other it’s still really hard to take.

For what it’s worth I suspect the reason you’ve been getting on better these last few weeks / months is maybe because he’d met someone else (or at least he’d had a shift in his mindset to be open to moving on, and therefore the “fight”
had gone).

I know it feels really hard right now but it will get easier. What you’re experiencing is grief… for all the good parts of your relationship and the happier memories etc. Don’t confuse these with the reality.

The thing that helped me massively ? I drew a line under it, and thought “ok, if he’s moved on so can I”. I joined an online dating site the next day (this was 15 years ago) and began to get matches straight away, and it made me realise there’s tonnes of opportunity out there for new experiences and to meet new people. I actually didn’t want a relationship straight away but I met some great people. I also joined a couple of new clubs / hobbies which gave me something to focus on that was totally new and just for me.

I’m not suggesting you jump straight to trying to meet someone else, but move forward with something just for you… (without wanting to sound all “self love” about it!)
Next time he has the twins can you book an activity you love / a hobby you lost touch with / spa with a friend? Change the focus from being part of a couple, to who you are on your own. It’s scary and it’s sad, but instead of seeing it as a door that’s now closed, turn around and open the next one…

Maybe he’s an avoidant attachment type; they can seem so kind as long as you’re at a distance.
please understand that he’s not out there in the world giving someone empathy, caring, and loving behavior that he didn’t give you.
they don’t change unless they have massive amounts of therapy, and men seldom want to work on themselves - they so often just want to jump to another woman and make her do the emotional labor.

stay strong, OP.

and if he’s telling you about this new person, it seems manipulative and cruel. Designed to jerk your emotions around and have you feel more desperate to “win” him back.

don’t fall for this shit. Let him go so strongly his head will reel. Practice “grey rock” and total detachment. Let him be a “caring” father to the children and keep your distance at all costs.

I suspect that under the strain of bringing up twins you both became less tolerant of each other, arguments started happening, you both dug into positions and the relationship broke down. Which is understandable.
The immediate default on MN is always LTB, rather than to properly work through problems. Thats hard to do and can take real effort especially when a bombshell like twins arrive into a relationship.
However, you are where you are now and I don’t think he’s showing signs of wanting to come back. You need to work out what you want to do to move your life forwards to. Do you get free weekends when he has the twins? If so, try and find something fulfilling for yourself so that your mind is focusing on something more positive rather than what you can’t have. You might reassess your old relationship then and realise that you’re better off apart

To be blunt, I suspect you only want him back because he’s met someone else! Nothing else has changed and if he ever came back it was quickly turn toxic again. You too need to move on and just have a good relationship with him for your children!

It's all very well him being nice to you now, but I bet he isn't up at nights when one of your twins is sick, he has moved on because he can. Found a shiny new person who doesn't have the day to day care of his children, how lovely for him.

hopefully you aren't going to say he's Dad of the Year. He isn't, he's just like every other bloke who has the luxury of walking away, because he can. I hope he's giving you a generous amount of money for his children.

Thank you to everyone whose responded to me in my hour of need, you’ve all given some really good perspective, to fill in any gaps we do 70/30 split which at the minute is what I’m most comfortable with and he’s happy with his 30 for now, although he pops round to see us every day or so and helps out no end so I have no complaints in that department. He’s been dating this girl for 5 weeks and told me about it 10 days ago hence the surge in emotion, I was wanting reconciliation before the news but I guess I felt it wasn’t as far reached as it feels now. She lives 70 miles away and has 3 children so I don’t see it going far and know it’s all lovely dates and FaceTimes for now (he gave me these details) so I guess in my frazzled mind it will fizzle out and I’ll feel less panicked but it still doesn’t mean he’ll come home. I have been smashing the gym, redecorated the whole house and have been focusing on me and my social life when I can, but TBH I still just feel like crap. He is 100000% an avoidant and never wanted to take responsibility for his part to play in any of our conflict so can only assume he’ll not change for someone new.
thanks for all the advice and guidance it’s given me some clarity for sure. I’m going to step back from him a little maintaining this “friendship” is doing me more harm I just love us all being together for the kids as well but it’s really holding me back and just giving me false hope and also giving him the comfort of me and home while he has someone new.

Not as much as he “should” according to the CMS calculator but I can just about manage and I know he’s paying for another house so didn’t want to stick the financial knife in more although it’s a sensitive subject. And I do agree it’s easy to be nice when you aren’t dealing with the day to day life of kids etc 7 days a week and he has new home, life etc while mine has remained not all that unchanged!

Do you think perhaps he's being that way because he's happy now he's in a new relationship and has some distance between the conflict ?

It's easier for us all to be nice people when we're not stressed to hell and exhausted from young kids etc.

The real positive here is that you can have a great co-parenting relationship for your kids. That can be such a source of stress for people over the years.

When you're ready, you can find a new partner who will make you feel happy too and you'll not have a difficult coparenting relationship to complicate the situation. There's potential for your kids to have a really good outcome of two happy homes.

Yes I think the nicer new version of him is due to the distance from me the conflict and the clashing, his issue with me was I’m not a wall flower, I would pull him up on things if it hurt / upset me or made me feel unappreciated this was a huge bone of contention for me as it was a trigger he never tried to mend and sent me crazy tbh. It’s worth mentioning over Christmas he stayed over a lot we were sleeping together etc it was all very confusing with no real conversation about what was happening so my head is pretty scrambled.
since then there’s been no conflict or clashing but up until that point we were still arguing a lot.

It's understandable how you feel. It's bound to take time for you to start seeing ways forward in your own life - but you will. If it's any comfort, from what you've said it sounds like he is being supportive and that you are managing to maintain good communication which is important.Keep being kind to yourself and be patient. You will recover.

No wonder he was being nicer to you, he wanted sex.

Honestly he will not change. You would never be happy with him.

He'll likely go from relationship to relationship; you have the chance to work on yourself (sounds like low self esteem) and find a lovely guy.

Also, you realise he's giving you the details of his new relationship to rub it in your face, don't you? He's not a nice guy.

Put some boundaries in, don't let him come around every day, and stop sleeping with him.

You are being kinder to each other as you are now apart without the strain of living together. If you get back together, there is a very strong chance you would slip back into old patterns of behaviour.

He doesn’t want to be with you or he wouldn’t of found a nee relationship. Chances are he’s reliezed your a good mum etc but as a friend.

You say you didn't feel appreciated as a mother,you didn't mention as a partner. What were things like before the twins? You spent a lot of time arguing and gave him negative vibes. Just thought you would mention you were sleeping with him at Christmas.. but you don't communicate. People argue,it's human nature, other people have different views on things,there is no perfect for anyone.. the grass ain't greener. He didn't have to tell you he was seeing someone else, I bet if he hadn't, you wouldn't have been happy, either. You have to see him because you have children in common. You never made a proper break if you were still having sex..
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I think you need to get some self respect and set boundaries. I was thinking until this post how he was focusing on having a good co parenting relationship with you, hence complimenting you as a mum and focusing on a united front for the sake of the children.
The fact you say you were sleeping together at Christmas though lowers my opinion of him and makes me think he is using you. He is happy to come over, have sex with you but not be in a relationship with you, and now is bragging about a new interest possibly to make you jealous.
Remind yourself of all the times he made you feel invisible..do not let him get inside your head. Stop these friendly chats and sleepovers, the focus should be on the children so if he comes over to see them I would step out the room and leave them.

Oof you’ve begged once, please don’t do it again, please don’t ask him again, you need to keep hold of your remaining dignity, he knows you want him back,you’ve slept with him, begged him etc, already. He’s out there looking for new partners, and has met one. All the time when you were sleeping with him that’s what he was doing, looking for another partner.

You cant warm to every personality on this planet, so its ok to not like everyone.
You also do not have that maternal bond despite what other people say. Unless that child is genetically yours, you will never have that unconditional love for them.
However, this child did not choose to have you in their life but you had the choice whether to be in theirs. For this reason, you need to suck it up and do your best to treat all 3 children equally otherwise the whole relationship will break down with everyone involved.

Why should you "just about" manage? Get the full amount for your beautiful twins and get some self respect.

Op this man has played you like a fiddle I’m afraid. Treats you like shit, winds you back in when he wants a shag then drops you when a shinier toy comes along. Plus he’s making you feel sorry for him so you’re struggling to pay for things while feeling he’s got too much on his plate. You need therapy you’re completely brainwashed by this narc. Why on gods green earth would you want him back? The nice guy act is just that, an act to keep you where he wants you. I’ve been there OP. Went back and realised within a week it was a mistake then was trapped by him for another 4 awful years. He won’t change and he’ll be the same with any other woman he meets in the long run.

I’m so confused..

I do appreciate how it’s sounded with the sleeping together at Christmas part but it was actually my idea he stayed over Xmas eve to be here when the kids wake up but he just sort of stayed longer than planned. We were getting close and just slept together but this hasn’t happened since. I’m not trying to make excuses for him but can see how that piece of information may have landed.

And yes low self esteem self respect are at play here, I have quite a strong sense of self and come across as highly confident but have a deeeeep routed issue of not being good enough so this is being triggered immensely currently

The avoidant type, that becomes more kind, understanding, affectionate and loving with distance. Oh hell yes this is likely accurate OP. Listen to the pp advice!

FWIW I have a friend who spent years yearning for her ex to return for the sake of their children. He is a lovely person, do not get me wrong, we all like him. He never abused my friend, but he did play on her emotions and sort of make their relationship dependent on certain things. Anyway after years he came back when the children were school age.

Things seemed happier for a while and then after another few years when the children were teens he walked out on my friend again and it took months to get her off the floor this time. I had to attend her children's parents evenings on her behalf she was that heartbroken.

It took years for her to get over it and now he's still gone and found someone else. But figure this...he is the avoidant type....so now he has a new partner he is NICER to my friend and more genial, kind, and spending plenty of time having cosy coffee with my friend.

So OP I know it's tough, I know it hurts like hell when you have kids and you're contemplating a break up of a family and it's not a trivial thing. It's not the same as a breakup without kids. You'll feel a special tie that can tug sometimes. But do not act on emotion. It might take you somewhere worse than now.

Shouldn’t your focus be your children? Make the co-parenting work and make their welfare your main responsibility regardless of where your ex lives and who he chooses to be with.
I sense the ‘green-eyed monster’ in the OP; “ if I can’t have you no one should” sort of thing.

Then playing happy families needs to stop. The choice was made that he left. Stop inviting him into your home to join in family events. Ensure you are getting the right amount of maintenance. Communication should focus on the children, not general life stories and new relationships