Ex has moved on, feel sick

[Twinsmamma]

I write this as I lay wide awake another night as my mind is spinning. I’ll try and summarise, I was with my ex for 7 years, 2 beautiful twins together, the relationship grew toxic over the years due to him making me feel unappreciated as a mother, I felt invisible and it led to me feeling resentful and i looked at him through a very negative lense, which he felt. It all came to blows last summer and he left, initially I felt shock, then relief, then sadness. We’ve never really had a transparent conversation about anything, initially it led to further conflict so he would say “see! this is why we’ll never work” and exit the conversation. But over the last few months we’ve grown back a lot of respect for each other and are being much kinder to each other, it’s been great and quite frankly, I’m desperate to give it another go (start dating each other, I’m not expecting him to move back in as i don’t want the kids to be impacted unless it’s going to work) the big BUT here is, he’s started dating someone and “really likes her” I'm devastated. I feel a greater pain and sadness than I did when he left, it’s obviously jealousy and rejection and loss all hitting me at once but I quite frankly can’t deal with it. I’m not sleeping or eating, I’m trying so hard to pour all my energy into my children but I have to keep leaving the room as I’m crying constantly. Has anyone experienced this. AIBU to want him back to this extent? I’m nervous to broach the subject with him as fear he’ll say he just doesn’t want to be with me (I did beg him to come home when he first told me about her) which I don’t want to revisit that for my own dignity. But I feel like my life/ future/ person I love is slipping away from me and I don’t know what to do,

I'm sorry, wrong post 🤦‍♀️

He is being kind/reasonable to you because he is a civilised adult co-parenting, or because he doesn’t want you to turn in to an absolute bunny boiler. Either way it isn’t because he wants a relationship with you.

As soon as he’d slept with his new gf that would have been the line in the sand for me. He’s moved on. You don’t need details of his new relationship.

Focus on the children, getting formal arrangements in place for their benefit (like him paying you the correct amount of maintenance) and move on.

It feels horrendous but all that you’re going through and wanting him back is fairly common (just as it’s quite common to still sleep with an ex, especially someone you share children with), I have a friend that’s been separated for 2+ years and she’s still pining after that man and playing into his “win be back” games.

MH services are difficult to access at the moment but you should try to get on them asap. When I broke up with my ex I self referred straight away and eventually when I had a place it was a godsend. You need to be able to talk of this out with someone.

He's being kind because he's happier and also because he wants to keep you in a state where you won't come after him for the CMS he should be paying you. Of course it's a sensitive subject but the reality is he has two children he needs to help support.

Yes my focus is of course my children, they’re the centre of my world but so was my relationship with their dad. I can’t shake the feeling off of loss just because my children are also in the picture, I wish I could but it’s consuming me. I’m an emotional person quite clearly. My kids are happiest with mummy and daddy together not traveling back and forth between 2 homes all week. They’re 4 so it’s all quite confusing for them and all they ever say at bedtime is how they just want daddy home, I do not let them into my emotions and have never let them be impacted negatively by this but it’s all just extremely difficult.
and YES of course I’m jealous, who wouldn’t be but I’ve been wanting him home well before his new relationship can around it’s just stick the knife in even more for me.

It really is a false impression. I felt at times like that about ex, there was never talk of getting back together but I can confirm as the years have gone on things come to light that he hasn’t changed at all and I was just seeing the lighter version of him on best behaviour and not the tired, complacent version you’d get in a long term relationship.
get some therapy on the go to help you move through this stage healthily, it’s probably shone a light on areas of your own life that feel a bit lacking so you can work on what you want for yourself now.
good luck OP, this is extremely hard stuff to process but you will come out the other end stronger and happier xx

Ignore that post OP, it’s lazy and spiteful x

They are 4, they will adapt to it easier if you stop giving mixed messages. Surely they would have been aware of daddy staying at Christmas and in mummy's bed. This is what will make it harder for them and also make it look like you are the one blocking him from coming home (as he is coming to your house and so in their eyes if he isn't staying that's because mummy won't let him).
As they are mentioning him at bedtimes I would stop the home visits completely. Keep a firm sentence that mummy and daddy both love you but now live in different houses. You see daddy on these days and he will put you to bed then.
What would you do if he introduced them to his new girlfriend (it isn't unheard of on mumsnet for men to introduce kids to their new partner early on). Surely that will make it more confusing so you need to be clear that mummy and daddy are not together.

What did he do (or not do) when you felt ‘unappreciate…. resentful’ when you were together? Your DC are aged 4 so it sounds like there were at least several years of that.

Since the break up what proportion of parenting did he do and did pay decent maintenance? Asking because those are indicators of his character.

Sadly it’s easy for him to date someone new and use the kinds of ‘lines’ a PP has described . If he wanted to be with you or be nice to you much sooner, he would have. Would also expect him to revert to his old treatment when his honeymoon period with his new girlfriend wears off.

I have read all the OPs posts but might have missed it. You say it came to blows did you mean figuratively (came to a conclusion) or literally (physical violence was involved)?

Yes to be fair they’ve adapted amazing and do now understand that daddy lives somewhere else now, I think him being in the house so much is confusing, it’s just hard to break away from that familiarity as it’s essentially what I want, but yep it’s not best long term. We’ve lightly touched on introducing kids to new partners when he first went on dating apps, but I’m fairly against this unless it’s 100% serious and planning to move in together etc. I just hope he sticks to that agreement.

This. I was you 30 years ago. It is very painful but .....
" You can miss someone enormously without it being healthy to have them back in your life".

He's doing this because you've split up. That says nothing about how he would treat you if you were back together! It's easy to be polite and respectful to someone you're not emotionally attached to. My XH and I have a lovely coparenting relationship and have done for the majority of the 14 years since we split but that doesn't mean our relationship wasn't volatile, emotionally abusive and destructive. Never go back.

He's not making great choices. A new gf with 3 kids who lives an hour away - if that gets serious it will be him doing the moving. Hopefully it won't, but I would get finances in place now so at the very least he's paying the CMS minimum

I don’t believe this is necessarily true. Everyone on MN loves to hate a man who is unkind but when a woman has babies - twins no less - there is often a seismic adverse shift in a relationship. The mother is preoccupied with the babies - life is less fun - everyone is exhausted and constantly on edge.

When you emerge from the hell that is parenting small kids under the age of 3, the relationship is in tatters. Low-level sniping. Dad not pulling his weight and spending more time than necessary out of the home. Mum has lost her identity. Money worries have increased because mum lost earnings in that period. Sex? Well it’s not as great; he just wants satisfaction and she feels resentful at being expected to put out/have a great body, after she has slaved day in and day out to care for his kids and keep the home running.

In the old days, society wouldn’t accept a man just walking away in this situation. So the couple would muddle through - sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

I do speak with some experience as definitely lost my way with dh after dc1 and we could easily have broken up - I would have, but dh was adamant he wanted to try again and I listened. After dc2 we did so much differently and now we are happy

Think hard about how unhappy you were together. Be clear in your mind about how much of that was down to his behaviour. Be honest with yourself about whether you have any real reason to think things would be different. Getting on together without the pressure of your lives and now rose tinted specs have blurred the worst of your history is one thing. Believing he has fundamentally changed is another.
If after you've thought hard and honestly you are still interested in trying again, then you need to speak up and see what he says.

But op the fact he’s hitting on other women, is now in a relationship means he didn’t want to come home. For him he’s out. This you need to accept.

I really feel for you @Twinsmamma. Unfortunately for your own sanity I think you need to do some tough love. No more dropping round to see the children anymore, he’s getting the best of both worlds and it’s preventing you from moving on. You need to put some boundaries in place. No more cozy chats, keep communication purely about the children and only when strictly necessary. He sees them on his days and not in your house. Start doing things for you on your child free time, go to the gym/take up a hobby. Meet up with friends, go out for drinks/dinner etc but don’t keep him in the loop. He is not your friend and has no right to know what you are up to.

Maybe if he’d told you he was thinking of dating it wouldn’t have been such a shock. The fact that you spend a lot of time together possibly is not helping. Have boundaries in
place to help you. It’s great that he is hands on but it doesn’t need to be at your house. Give yourself space if you need it, lack of time apart may be blurring things for you. Men often seem to move on fast. Presuming that’s a sex need for most.

I’ll say this is in the kindest way possible. If he wanted to make things work with you, he wouldn’t have met anyone else. Men are much simpler than women generally, they don’t tend to play mind games. If they’re interested and invested in you, they will show this. The fact he was even interested in dating other people in the first place says a lot. He doesn’t want things to work out with you I’m afraid, I know it hurts.

Things will get easier. Try to remember all of his flaws rather than idealising him.

I think everyone here is very willing to assume the worst of your ex OP and to assume he's up to all kinds of evil machinations when I think the truth is that both of you ran your marriage into the ground. I don't subscribe to the view that only one person is to blame for a marriage breaking down because most of the time both have the part to play. You say that you viewed him through a negative lens, which he felt. Perhaps he's capable of being kinder and nicer now because he's away from that negativity and he feels happier. Perhaps you don't focus on his negative traits so much because you have had space from each other.

You have ignored posters who asked for clarification on what you meant when you said it all came to blows. Is this because you were in fact the aggressor? If he was violent then obviously this changes things significantly..

I do think it seems like a shame the marriage could not have been saved but I feel like there is probably something more going on here. The best way forward is for you both to focus on an amicable co-parenting relationship for the sake of your children.

I highly recommend a book called “it’s called a break up because it’s broken”. It really helped me through my last heartbreak and it helped my friend too

OP you are letting him treat you really badly. Please read the book keep calm and cut him off and I know you have kids and you can’t cut him off entirely but it will give you some insight into what is happening right now and how he is using you to give him the confidence to date other women. Please read it and reread it.

OP it’s pretty telling that he’s met someone who lives 70 miles away! That works perfectly for someone with an avoidant attachment. Everything is now on his terms. He can see you when it suits him and her when it suits him. She’s not going to be making demands on him because she’s busy with three kids, it’s a new relationship and he’s 70 miles away so he can be lovely to both of you.

But if he was with her full-time he’d be the same as he was with you. At the moment he’s getting her full attention when they meet up because she’s grateful for the distraction and hasn’t got to think about domestic stuff when they’re together. Real life in the trenches with little ones is tough and you can’t treat your husband like a new boyfriend as you have stuff to do. Men who don’t get that, who prioritise their own lives and who don’t pull their weight are a waste of space.

Don’t let him feel like a love god with two women fighting over him. Write down all the things that used to upset you about him in the first place and look at it every time you waver. Start to build up your own life and find activities to do when he has the children. This will blow over quicker if you draw some boundaries and start to build your own life.