Ex has moved on, feel sick

[Twinsmamma]

I write this as I lay wide awake another night as my mind is spinning. I’ll try and summarise, I was with my ex for 7 years, 2 beautiful twins together, the relationship grew toxic over the years due to him making me feel unappreciated as a mother, I felt invisible and it led to me feeling resentful and i looked at him through a very negative lense, which he felt. It all came to blows last summer and he left, initially I felt shock, then relief, then sadness. We’ve never really had a transparent conversation about anything, initially it led to further conflict so he would say “see! this is why we’ll never work” and exit the conversation. But over the last few months we’ve grown back a lot of respect for each other and are being much kinder to each other, it’s been great and quite frankly, I’m desperate to give it another go (start dating each other, I’m not expecting him to move back in as i don’t want the kids to be impacted unless it’s going to work) the big BUT here is, he’s started dating someone and “really likes her” I'm devastated. I feel a greater pain and sadness than I did when he left, it’s obviously jealousy and rejection and loss all hitting me at once but I quite frankly can’t deal with it. I’m not sleeping or eating, I’m trying so hard to pour all my energy into my children but I have to keep leaving the room as I’m crying constantly. Has anyone experienced this. AIBU to want him back to this extent? I’m nervous to broach the subject with him as fear he’ll say he just doesn’t want to be with me (I did beg him to come home when he first told me about her) which I don’t want to revisit that for my own dignity. But I feel like my life/ future/ person I love is slipping away from me and I don’t know what to do,

Focus on yourself and you girls. Try and get yourself on a good routine to feel good - healthy eating, exercise, good sleep. If you have family or friends, plan some quality time with them (bringing the twins along) and try to take your mind off of things. Don't think about your ex or getting back w them....focus on improving yourself and mental health. It takes time to get over a breakup, but you will move on from this quicker if you allow yourself to.

You're just feeling jealous. Don't let this jealousy make you regret your decision. You took this decision for a reason. Remind yourself of that reason.

Its so hard when the other person has moved on and you haven't. My STBEXH had already moved on before he came out to me, but suddenly noticing he wasn't wearing his wedding ring anymore was jarring for me. Together 10 years, married for 7 and it was off within a few weeks. Clearly he'd checked out of the relationship long before I had even noticed.

Twinsmamma, I really feel for you, its hard when they are nice to you andit almost feels like before, but remember all the things he has done to hurt you, he is not your friend anymore. It's good that you can get along and coparent successfully, but always remember the reasons for you splitting have not gone away.

Forgive yourself for your part in the relations breakdown , forgive him for his mistakes. Be kind to yourself, learn something from this relationship and get yourself to be the best version of yoursled

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's completely natural to feel your emotions as it's all still very raw for you. As each day passes, your feelings for him will lessen. When you are ready, read the first part of your post again. Clearly your feelings for this man weren't fully reciprocated. Please be kind to yourself. Focus on restoring your independence. The best response (revenge) is a life lived well. 😊

Part of the reason the conflict is going is probably because you're no longer in a relationship. The pressure has gone.

You also may be looking at this through rose tinted glasses. Remember the bits that didn't work, the bits that made you guys split up, and try to move on yourself. Letting go is hard, it really is and you have my sympathy. Try and look after yourself. Take the twins out for fresh air, connect with friends, do some nice things just for yourself when your ex has the children.

It's good that you can both get along ok now for the sake of the children, that's a decent position to be in and not all ex-partners are like that.

apologies for not being clearer about the “comes to blows” it absolutely wasn’t violence, never in our relationship was that a thing, it was a ridiculous argument over me not getting him anything from the shop (just didn’t think!) he said I was selfish and refused to listen to anything after that point and it escalated, and wouldn’t resolve, as so many deep routed things were rearing their ugly head during this interaction for us both.

He sounds awful OP. He wanted an ‘out’ and found one - he’s happy to have a toe in the parenting water, without real responsibility.

I’ve been that soldier too.

All you can do is keep your distance until you realise truly what he’s liked and aren’t sucked in to his fakery. It’s hard. 🥺

There is zero indication he is treating her really badly. You've made that up.

OP I advise you against listening to the All Men are Evil crowd and definitely don't read rubbish self help books.

This can all be worked out amicably and civilly by treating each other as people, not turning him into a monster

That's not necessarily true. If your ex had found someone whose primary focus was work and had different expectations and needs from a partner, it could have worked out.

Don't fall into the trap of casting your ex as an unlovable villain to make yourself feel better. You weren't right for each other - that's why he didn't appreciate you and that's why you viewed him negatively.

You are still grieving the relationship and the future you thought you'd have together. This is just another step in that process. As painful as it is, you just have to go through it. The other side will be brighter.

Who knows never say never, but remember you broke up for very good reason. You are still fundamentally the same people, and the same problems would very likely return in time if you got back together.

Having young twins was/is EXTREMELY hard, and he failed you badly.

His life is easier now, so it’s easy for him to be a lighter, much better person because he can walk off without the 24/7 responsibility.

It must be so hard for you, but you will get through this, and you will be the one that really matters to your beautiful twins in the long term.

I know which position I would rather be in, and although mightily tough now, it would be yours.

Apologies if someone mentioned above but stop him spontaneously "popping round."
Many men move on quickly and get themselves a girlfriend who ends up looking after his children on his contact time. This?
Look after yourself. Do nice things for yourself. Make sure he is paying you what he should for his children.

Hes being nice because he doesnt have to fully take you on board any more. Hed be just the same awful person to you if you were properly together. Move on op, hard as it is. Maybe you can find a nice man who appreciates you in a few years when this is all over. Meanwhile be good to youself and start doing new things that you enjoy. Things might feel like a distraction at first but then you'll start to notice that you are beginning to feel more independent and enjoying life again. Moving on does work. And youll find he will become the same unsupportive man with her that he was with you because a leopard does not change its spots. Eventually you will be glad you are not together any more.

In reality he didn’t actually like you, but until you see that you won’t be able to move on.

With respect you are wrong. Men do not think the same way women do. Yes he’s treating her badly because she cannot move on. He knows she wants him and uses this to inflate his ego.

Seriously, i think you should stop him popping round most days. Have specific times and tell him you dont just want him coming and going when he pleases. It will help you to move on. If he keeps popping round you are sort of deluding yourself a bit i think. You need a more structured break from him. It will help you actually to come to terms that you actually have split. At the moment you are still living a kind of 'pseudo' relationship with him.

OP I guarantee the more distance you put between this man and yourself the better you will feel.

You are now seeing the best version of himself as he’s not got any responsibilities, not living with you and dating someone else. Just remember you know what the other version of him is and you don’t want that in your life.

And I just want to add that distancing yourself is actually your only way to make him realise what he has lost. This does actually work.

Agreed. It took a while before me and my ex could see eye to eye after we broke up but we now get on better than we did when we were together!

But (even if I wasn't now married to DH) never in a million years would I ever get back with him because as a couple, we were not compatible at all.

We can see each others good points now as we're both happy and settled and don't need anything from each other.

Oh and stop seeing him every day, he’s not your friend he’s your ex.you see each other when you drop the kids off that’s it. You talk about them only.

And to all of those saying he’s happy - of course he’s happy! He has two women that want him. Pull that nice comfy rug out from under him OP.

The new gf may see him in a positive light, now but it won’t last. People don’t turn into someone else because they meet someone new.

What nonsense is this?! The OP has said herself that the relationship wasn't working from both sides. They obviously weren't compatible and so did the right thing and separated.

It's perfectly believable that both parties can go onto meet someone new who they are more suited to and have a long and healthy relationship with.

I was with my ex for 10 years. The relationship was, in all honesty, a shit show. We argued all the time, fell out over nothing and both became the worst versions of ourselves with each other. I didn't even recognise myself by the end of it.

Now we're a long time separated we get along great! I can see the good sides of him and what a lovely and caring person he is / was. We just weren't right for each other.

@Twinsmamma
I feel like my life/ future/ person I love is slipping away from me and I don’t know what to do

No your life is not slipping away. Your life is your own, and does not depend on what man you are with or whether you are single or not.

No, your future is not slipping away. The likelihood is that you have many, many decades of future ahead of you.

Yes, the man you love, or think you love, or used to love, is slipping away from you. There is nothing you can do about it. You have to accept it and move on.

I think it will help you if you don't confuse your life, your future, and someone you love. They are very different things.

You've diagnosed the problem yourself; 'Jealousy that he's moved on etc', you want him back, because you don't want him to have moved on, and feel like you've been left behind, etc. It's perfectly natural. But getting back together, especially as it's so charged with these emotions is going to be very difficult. I'd say you need at least a couple of months to be able to assess your feelings objectively. And if he starts a relationship in the meantime, then that's just something you'll have to accept, painful as it is. Holding on is easy, letting go is heard, sounds trite, but it's very true. Take care of yourself.