AIBU to be confused: some couples don’t share a bed/room with their when they have a new baby?

[Raye7]

Today i discovered some couples don’t sleep in the same bed when they have a new baby (and the dad/other parent doesn’t help through the night). It’s not something we have done or even considered.

Does your partner sleep in the same bed as you, if you have a newborn/baby who wakes in the night?

Why do people choose to do this?

(obviously i know i am being unreasonable - people can do what they want - posting here for traction)

I was incredibly nervous about cosleeping so we had a next to me crib that worked well.

It was my own paranoia rather than science. DH is a heavy sleeper and I thought he’d roll over and squash the babies.

Well my husband wouldn’t breastfeed our baby, lazy bastard. So I did it myself.

There was no point us both being exhausted and he could be more helpful daytime. I also like the space for me and the babes to co-sleep safely.

He does just about all wake ups now the kids are older. SEN son who sometimes gets up 4am etc….

Baby isn't meant to be in between 2 adults due to overheating. Also, Mothers should sleep in a cuddle curl position and its impossible for both parents to do this, so a risk of rolling over for Dad.

We continued to share our room but both made pretty liberal use of the spare room. If he was struggling at work through lack of sleep he'd go in the spare room. If I'd had a rough couple of nights I'd express some milk then spend the night in the spare room. No point in us both being exhausted I suppose.

I was breastfeeding so had to do the night wakes. If he slept in another room , then that meant that he had enough sleep to take the baby early in the morning and again in the evening so I could sleep. It worked for us, back in the same room now and still happily married.

theres just too lay factors to consider - I know many who did sleep separately and many who didn’t.

Is the baby sleeping for periods or an awake all night baby?

Is it BF or FF?

Does the key nighttime carer co sleep?

What job does the father do? What hours are worked and is it shifts?

Is the primary night carer (mum if BF but usually mum anyway) on MAT leave?

Does the dad pull his weight in other ways?

Is the plan for a more even split eventually or after Mat leave or will the mum remain SAHP.

people do what benefits everyone the most all round IME

My ex slept separately becuase his sleep was such more important than mine, I worked and baby was bottlefed.

DP would wake up with our youngest, change him, pass him to me to feed, then burp him and put him back down in esrly days of frequent wakes. Hehad 3mo paternity leave so it was doable. He also wakes with eldest once a night. I still breastfeed youngest and we sleep in the same bed. Dp works, I am a Sahm to a 4yo and 1yo. He doesn't value his sleep over mine and neither do I.

We slept apart when we had a newborn. We took it in turns to sleep in the master bedroom with the baby, so we each got a good night’s sleep every other night.

I wouldn’t have tolerated it if I was expected to do all the night wakings though!

I wouldn’t have tolerated it if I was expected to do all the night wakings though!

That only works if you aren't breastfeeding though.

We didn't do it but had a few friends who had this set up.

The majority I understood due to their jobs and definitely needing sufficient sleep - train driver, pilot etc.

Some however was more due to their husbands being princesses and couldn't handle a newborn (they haven't become better parents with age either and very hands off/leave it all to the wife.

I bf both DS's my husband would change their nappies in the night hand me baby I would feed and burp then hand to him to settle them.

I slept on a pull out bed on the floor with DC2 when they were very little. Moses basket beside me, then he was brought in for night feeds and often just slept next to me. We got so much more sleep that way.

DH dealt with DC1 if they woke in the night. She often went in with him, I think because she was a bit jealous her sibling got to sleep in with a parent. We phased it out eventually when the night feeds reduced. Felt like a milestone getting back into my own bed.

Surely Dad wouldn't roll tight across mum. 3 kids I've had sleeping and can't say it's even come close to happening

Personally I just found it way easier to do everything I needed to with all the bed myself. Feeding positions, sleeping positions, change mat etc - all right where I needed them and no husband in the way of me settling into a good position.

Cuddle curl means sticking my bum right back for me, and my husband naturally sleeps the same way. Easily gets crowded!

Not if its dad, mum, baby.... but the issue there is you're limiting the space so baby can easily roll off the bed if on the edge

Dad mustn't be next to the baby, that was definitely a thing 15 years ago.
Unless you're only feeding on one side it's easier to have dad sleep elsewhere.

But you would have woken up to breastfeed? DH also did nappy changes, but I was the sole sorce of nourishment for DD.

I did at night Used to wake up with uneven boobs

And was further back than 15 years

If you’re breastfeeding, there is absolutely no point in both parents being knackered. The non breastfeeding parent can take the slack during the day and also absorb the breastfeeding parents frustration at lack of sleep.

I have my babies and toddlers sleep in bed with me. That’s how we’ve always done it. There’s no room for a bloke in the bed, and he’s a light sleeper so he would be lucky to be alive if he hadn’t moved rooms.

DH and I slept in different rooms for around 6 months to make sure we both got a decentish amount of sleep and didn't disturb each other when both our kids were newborn. DH would do evening shift from 8 til around midnight and I was on duty after that.

I much preferred to have the extra space to switch the baby over!

Well it's not really possible when there's no where else to sleep so didn't give it a thought tbh. Until I read this thread it never occurred to me that people actually did sleep in separate beds.

I highly recommend it!

But late for me. And as said when kids were small their was nowhere else for the dad to sleep

I sleep much better when I'm sharing with my partner now than alone.

We did this. I think it makes perfect sense. Why do you have to both be exhausted esp. if one of you is breastfeeding anyway?

Dad has more energy to wash, shop, make dinner etc the next day.