AIBU to be confused: some couples don’t share a bed/room with their when they have a new baby?

[Raye7]

Today i discovered some couples don’t sleep in the same bed when they have a new baby (and the dad/other parent doesn’t help through the night). It’s not something we have done or even considered.

Does your partner sleep in the same bed as you, if you have a newborn/baby who wakes in the night?

Why do people choose to do this?

(obviously i know i am being unreasonable - people can do what they want - posting here for traction)

DS wasn’t sleeping through the night, I was off on mat leave and DH was working long shifts to help make up the money we were losing. I slept in the other room with DS. DH couldn’t help with the feeds so why keep him awake too?

It’s the smart thing to do imo.

Surely it’s fairly obvious? Why wreck everyone’s sleep/breastfeeding/ one partner on maternity leave, one doing a dangerous, responsible or intricate Jon that can’t be done on three hours’ sleep etc etc?

I breastfed mine so had the baby in bed with me, DH in spare room.
That way he could get up early with the baby having slept well and let me have a lie in.

I found that recovering from child birth was the biggest sex life killer, having to join the other in another bed not so much 😂

We once got a flight and realised that I knew the pilot from a local baby group. Was slightly terrifying knowing that their baby slept as little as ours did at the time! Thankfully we all made it home safely

I was getting up at silly clock in the morning to do a 1.5 to 2 hour commute, a full days work and back again in the evening. By Thursdays I was making silly mistakes on the road. I could have helped with the night feeds, but I would almost certainly have ended up crashing my car

Even if both parents were on parental leave, what's the point to have 2 knackered sleep deprived people?

DH is much more useful doing everything during the day, than the 2 of you slobbing on the sofa barely wanting to move from sheer exhaustion.

We slept separately Sun-Thurs once my husband was back at work after paternity leave. I was breastfeeding and co-sleeping with our daughter, and there was no point us both being knackered. Once my daughter moved into her own room around 7 months we slept in the same bed again! It worked brilliantly for us.

Why would both of you need to be there during the night to do feeds?

I was on maternity leave and breastfeeding.
DH had to go in to work.
No point in DH being up all night too.

For ages when ds was born, dh slept in the spare room.

then when ds2 was born, ds2 was with me and dh and ds1 were in the spare room

i think at weekends we attempted to share a bed at least for some of the night but during the working week we needed to prioritise dh’s sleep when I was on mat leave

if I have one regret from those days it’s that I didn’t cosleep with ds1 from day 1. Wasted so much energy and sleep trying to get the baby to sleep in his cot and he just couldn’t or rather wouldn’t. Co-slept with ds2 from day 1.

I think most people just want to maximise sleep in the early weeks.

The odd night (like once a week or so), I’d tell dh to sleep in the other room for work but some of our nicest nights were when we’d sit just chatting and if things were really difficult it was nice he was there

It's interesting isn't it, how we all react so differently? I had rough recoveries but still went back to sex ASAP as it was a part of feeling like I was still myself, if that makes sense. I think wanting to sleep in the same bed as DH still was a part of that. It felt really important to me that while a large part of my identity was shifting, I was also 'still me'. I appreciate others feel differently and this isn't a criticism of anyone.

I breastfed and he got up early to go to work. Not fair for both of us to be tired from night wakings when there wasn't much he could do anyway.
In fact, I found it bonding, just me and my baby in the small hours, and we had plenty of room to co-sleep in the spare room double together.

Its mainly because my baby would cry if he realised he is alone so we are less likely to start even when cuddling because I think we may need to cut it short! I had a failed induction/emergency c section and a quick recovery i think

I’m guessing op doesn’t have a child yet. Before I had mine I was absolutely adamant that I’d never have a baby in the bed with me. I mean, why would you want to do that 🤣🤣🤣😬

Chatting in the middle of the night would be my worst nightmare, I love my sleep too much 😂

Haha. Well I went to separate rooms before we even conceived! I breast fed so didn’t see the point in sharing night shift. Much prefer to hand baby off 5am and have the older kids fed and entertained before I have to het up and take over when he leaves for work. Weekends are even better I can stir when baby brought in for a feed then doze off till mid morning. Neither parent short on sleep. My child is 3 now I’m never ever sharing a bed with a man ever again. The quality of sleep when alone is unparalleled

I think in a lot of east Asian cultures it is common for mothers to sleep with children, possibly until they are teenagers.

I was on maternity leave, he was working.
He used to get up for the babies early morning feed and then put her back in her cot so I could have a lie in.

I couldn't sleep through baby being awake but he could. Seemed pointless us both being bone tired, so I did all night time waking.
I wouldn't have had it any other way.

We slept in the same bed up until daughter was aged about five at which point she’d come into our bed in the middle of the night and wake us both up. OH goes to sleep early and gets up early. He was asleep before she was, which was a nuisance on the evening I worked. So she came into our bed with me and he slept in her bed and we all then slept much better!

Because some people have different experiences to you.

That you can't fathom that is concerning.

We slept separately and did shifts. I'd go to bed early. Take over from dh on about midnight then he'd take over from the early morning feed (between 5am and 6am) until he left for work.

Its not great but at least I got some sleep with a baby who woke pretty much every hour.

Agree
The sound of snoring gives me the rage