AIBU to be confused: some couples don’t share a bed/room with their when they have a new baby?

[Raye7]

Today i discovered some couples don’t sleep in the same bed when they have a new baby (and the dad/other parent doesn’t help through the night). It’s not something we have done or even considered.

Does your partner sleep in the same bed as you, if you have a newborn/baby who wakes in the night?

Why do people choose to do this?

(obviously i know i am being unreasonable - people can do what they want - posting here for traction)

DS woke every 45 mins for quite some time so the only way for us to survive was to split into shifts. I would sleep in the spare room from 6pm until midnight. Then DH would sleep in there from midnight until 6am.

Of course you’re not confused @Raye7. You’re doing the old MN classic of wide-eyed faux confusion as thinly veiled judgement against others. You do you, as they say.

We did this for our DC2 - I was combi feeding and although we didn't co-sleep much preferred DH to be in the spare room... firstly, I would wake up regardless so DH doing a wake up didn't actually result in me getting any more sleep and just meant he got less, secondly, I was always conscious about disturbing him while feeding/changing whereas when he was on the other room I could switch lights on/watch something on my phone and thirdly, it meant that when our older one got up in the morning (usually early!) she could go into him to get up so I could sleep in a bit.

Good grief have you ever heard of an imagination?

There are thousands of reasons why! Most of which my 8yr old could probably have worked out.

• baby not a great sleeper and one parent back at work (so can’t catch up on sleep in the day);
• parents alternate so one parent can get a good night’s sleep;
• baby unwell;
• parent unwell;
• parent snores and disturbs baby;
• mum is co-sleeping and needs the space;
• another child comes into the bed so don’t want them disturbing the baby…

and so on.

Mainly because baby would cry if he realises he is alone..so i am worried to start what I can't finish if we are cuddling

Only way DH and I got any sleep when our DD was little was by sleeping in shifts, I breastfed and co-slept with her too so needed the whole bed to ensure it was safe. He would come in around 4am and have DD and I would go and get 3-4 hours sleep myself. Worked for us - it all depends on the child itself and whether you're working around their needs or your own I would say.

This is massively dependent on age, income and area. Middle class 30+ mums in north London- almost everyone breastfeeds. Young working class mums in Wigan- different story. Averages don’t convey this very well.

This sums it up.

My DH was more useful to me well rested rather than us both being knackered.

What do you find confusing about it?

If breastfeeding and dad has.to get to work the next day.

My DH slept in the spare room when he was working. Him being too tired would have been dangerous in his job. And DS only slept for 90 mins at a time for the first 6 months. Absolutely hell.

Dc want to sleep with me and not dh because of snoring 😂

As many have said I was the sahm and DH had to go to work each day. I could sleep any time day or night between feeds. So we slept separately and he got a good nights sleep. Perfectly fair and logical.

I breastfed so he would have been no help feeding. On my first we stayed n same room and I fed through the night sometimes handing baby to him to change nappies or if I couldn't get them settled and needed sleep. On our second he often slept in spare room because he was up with the toddler in the mornings while me and newborn slept on. Divide and conquer. I can't remember what we did on our 3rd it is all a bleary eyed blur

We did both. Our eldest was mixed fed so his dad was able to help with late and morning feeds. Our second was 99% breastfed, so it was mostly me doing the feedings.
Generally when I was on mat leave, there were periods of time where he would sleep in a different room. Because he had to work in the morning and I didn't! It made sense, particularly when he couldn't help with the feedings anyway.

It wasn't just him as well, once they were older and mixed fed, I also slept in the spare bedroom from time to time.

Because I breast fed and co slept with a baby who didn’t sleep at all and it was 1. Safer because dad shouldn’t co sleep and 2. Meant he slept so he could give me a break in the day. He has just come back into the bedroom and son is 21 months. Maybe keep your judgment to yourself

I think you're talking about 2 separate things. Sleeping elsewhere doesn't mean not helping.

DH slept in spare room for a few weeks once he went back to work. This doesn't mean he didn't help. DS was a rubbish sleeper so I would go to bed really early, DH would stay up late and give a bottle and put DS to bed in my room, I would breastfeed/bottle feed through the night while he was uninterrupted and DH would get up really early so that I could have sleep before he went to work.

A lot of it depends on how well your baby sleeps, I think.

Confused? Really? Discovered? Really?
You are being disingenuous which is always unreasonable.
I suppose you at least spared us "I was today years old when I discovered......."

Co-slept (couldn’t breastfeed, and I do mean couldn’t) because it was the only way to get any sleep. Didn’t feel safe co-sleeping with another person in the bed, and also felt like I needed one less person in my space at that hugely overstimulated time in my life!

We did shifts, DH stayed up with DD till midnight/ 1am whilst I went to bed about 9 to get a few hours uninterrupted, DH then handed her back and went to bed in the spare room until 6.30 ish when he’d get up and get ready for work. If he was working from home that day he’d take over again for another hour or so so I could either doze more or get a shower etc. Worked for us.

The people talking about sex life - this posts is about newborns who have to be in the room with you anyway don’t they? Can’t imagine feeling in the mood in that case. Though to be fair we continued with our above arrangement (less need for the shifts) till DD was over 2. We do mostly share a bed again now, no ill effects on our marriage.

We mainly did it when DH had to drive to work and sleep deprivation was impacting his driving.

I preferred to have more of the bed to myself because my husband is a huge immoveable lump when he sleeps and we coslept because my son hated the next to me.

He didn't help with any of the night wakes unless I summoned him via Alexa, because our son didn't need much settling. Took me about 2m to do a nappy change, then boob and sleep. No pacing around, minimal winding etc.

He had him in the early evenings so I could sleep then, and a stint in the morning usually too. I got plenty of disconnected sleep, he got disturbed maybe once a night.

Win for everyone.

Surely you know why? It’s pretty obvious

I do sort of understand it if breastfeeding but even then the Dad can contribute by getting up, passing baby over, changing the nappy etc. For us it didn't seem fair for all the night stuff to be left to Mum while Dad snoozes away peacefully in another room.

I was/am a stay at home parent and would never agree to be solely responsible for the kids in the night just because my husband leaves the house to go to work. Possibly slightly different if he genuinely has a job where being very tired was dangerous to himself or others. But equally, a sleep deprived, exhausted Mum at home with a baby/babies or driving them to clubs and appointments etc isn't exactly safe either. I couldn't sleep during the day when mine were babies either but I guess it works for people who can.

We just do whatever gets us most sleep, which right now is me cosleeping with BF newborn in one room and him cosleeping with toddler in another.

But if the baby does an explosive nappy or needs soothing beyond breastfeeding I’ll often nip across the hall and wake him up.