AIBU to be confused: some couples don’t share a bed/room with their when they have a new baby?

[Raye7]

Today i discovered some couples don’t sleep in the same bed when they have a new baby (and the dad/other parent doesn’t help through the night). It’s not something we have done or even considered.

Does your partner sleep in the same bed as you, if you have a newborn/baby who wakes in the night?

Why do people choose to do this?

(obviously i know i am being unreasonable - people can do what they want - posting here for traction)

We hadn't planned on it but DS had terrible reflux and would not sleep in next to me for more than 3 minutes at a time.
I moved into the double bed in spare room until he was 7 months. Was BF and there wasn't room in shared bed to safely co-sleep with the 3 of us.
OH is also up at 4:30am for work, out the house from 6am-7pm and does a lot of driving so it just seemed safer for him to get his usual sleep and me to muddle through whilst on mat leave. He really couldn't do anything to help anyway as baby only wanted me. As soon as DS started weaning, reflux got better and he transitioned to cot at the end of our bed then a month later cot in his own room and has slept through the night (bar a few bad nights when unwell) since. We were happily back sharing our bed by 8 months.

We’ve always shared a room but I can fully understand why some don’t. Some men do jobs which require them to be fully alert for their own safety or the safety of others. I’m thinking of drivers, doctors, construction workers even.

Yes, I know not all jobs are the same, but I've worked with plenty of dads who are really tired from doing night wakes and no one bats an eyelid and are sympathetic.

The only time I've seen a man criticised for being tired at work was a bloke without kids who got up at 4.30am daily to do his hobby then was rubbish all day at work.

Dads don’t ‘help’ they ‘do their fair share’ (If they do)

It’s pretty obvious why people would choose this, can you not take a wild guess?

It's half term folks.

The snoring is a big thing! I came so close to whacking DH over the head with a pillow one night when his snoring woke the baby, I breastfed ds and got him back to sleep but then couldn't get back to sleep myself, despite being painfully exhausted, because of the snoring. So after that if dh started snoring I woke him to go sleep elsewhere.

He was always good at taking the babies from their early morning feed around 5 or 6 and would reappear around 8 or 9 with a coffee (and a hungry baby) - fortunately for me he works from home a lot of the time.

We tried to sleep in the same bed with our first, but it was just pointless both of us having no sleep, so I moved into the spare room for 6 months. We got into a routine of him looking after the baby until 2/3am and then I woke take over so that we could both get some sleep.

We did the same thing with the 2nd.

I’m breastfeeding with our 3rd, so the feeding is all on me. Again, I don’t see the point sleeping in the same bed and the baby waking him up in the night when he needs to go and work full time and is also on call.

I will go back in the bed at 6 months. Personally, I think it’s silly to have a crying baby next to both of you. One of you might as well be fresh and ready for the next day.

We found everyone got more sleep that way. My DH would stay downstairs with the baby for until around midnight/1 whilst I had a few hours sleep, then I'd have baby in the double bed with me (breastfeeding) for the rest of the night, whilst he got a block of sleep, which seemed fair as he was working whereas I could nap in the day. I preferred bedsharing just me and the baby as more space! Even now ours is 16 months, I always end up in her bed around 3am until the morning. We often slept apart pre baby anyway. We get on far better if we've both slept well!

This!

Nct group yummy mummies are very different from the group of teens)young 20s in a deprived area as an example.

When my eldest had her first child and moved areas she was the only one out of the people she knew in all baby groups etc to breastfeed. Many of the others told her there was no point as get free baby milk with tokens etc. Even the health visitor seemed surprised and actually asked her ," doesn't it hurt to breastfeed? "

Apparently the breastfeeding rates at 6-8 weeks are only 55% nationally never mind 6 months. Obviously the NCT type are likely to be higher

Also many people are not as affluent and need to return to work before a year as there isn't the money for them to be off so long

It's also likely that a lot of these people don't have a ," safe room" dlfor the husband's to sleep in

Can I ask what's wrong with the co sleeping that dad mustn't be in the bed anymore This is a newish thing to me as certainly hadn't heard of it when DS was little. Had the things of them not having the quilt/ pillow and not sharing with someone who had been drinking or smoking but I don't understand why Dad is now considered dangerous

Because some of us prefer more room to sleep. Not everyone has a superking sized bed.

They’re not meant to be in between the two of you, but there’s no guidance against it in the formation pictured from the lullaby trust.

So as not to risk falling out of bed, you’re obviously going to want to give the baby as much room as possible, so it’s just a squash with an extra person and the two of you basically sharing one side of the bed.

I had the next to me there, so if the baby had spontaneously started rolling and fallen they’d have gone into that (and also partly because I lived in the vain hope that one day they’d allow me to scooch them over once asleep - never happened!

But still, I was nervous about cosleeping. I wasn’t able to breastfeed and there was plenty of noise online and in the ‘gentle sleep book’ I read (nothing has ever made me feel shitter about myself), about how terrible it was to cosleep if not breastfeeding. It was still safer than literally falling asleep holding her/ feeding her because she literally wouldn’t sleep any other way, but I wanted to do everything else by the book. And I just felt hot, stressed and squashed if DH was on one side of me and DD on the other.

It's what is practical for each family's needs.

For me what I did for the first child was impossible with subsequent siblings as work commitments and ability to sleep in the day had changed.

What is important is that people are as comfortable as possible.

Oh fair enough. When I've shared with a partner and baby it's always been me in the middle. I suppose instinct dictated that to me. Just so many on this thread saying about not allowing dad in due to co sleeping

And tbh babies don't take that much room. Not like a 2 year old and t year old squashed in

Bedsharers with all three of mine since birth to when they transitioned to own beds so all in one together! Wouldn't change a thing.

Nor did i mine was 4ft 6 when I had baby. But I'm not sure where my partner was meant to sleep then as no spare room and a 2 seater sofa

So you all squash up together then. We don't always have the choice. Luckily, we did.

Dh slept on a mattress on the floor for about 2 years while I co-slept with our eldest. He spent some time on the sofa or on a mattress in dd’s room too when youngest was a baby. He was otherwise mostly in my way as there wasn’t a whole lot that needed doing during the night other than feeding. I liked being able to turn lights on or watch a bit of tv. And we didn’t have a big enough bed for all of us. I much prefer sleep to being with Dh, so always prioritised sleep above everything else!

DH was terrified of the idea of co sleeping. He was convinced he’d somehow leap over me in the night and crush the baby. So with baby #2 I kicked him up to the spare bed in the attic and I shared our enormous bed with the baby! Much easier. Plus I could sleep topless for feeding purposes without anyone accidentally/clumsily leaning on my nipple.

It was brilliant. No snoring, no grumbling about being woken, he couldn’t complain he was tired because he didn’t have any night wakings at all… And baby helped himself all night without either of us waking up. I wish I’d done it with baby #1!

I assume you formula feed?

Lol at leaning on a nipple. Strangely never accidentally happened to me in years of sleeping naked

It has happened multiple times since my boobs got saggier!

Nothing is wrong with it. But we had a double when both ours were babies. In order to not squish baby against the bed guard, I had to sleep in the middle of the bed. I’m 5’9 and about 95kg. Dh is 6’5 and was probably about 110kg at the time. You can not comfortably squeeze a 6’5 man in about 18in of bed. 😂 I’d much rather have room to move and roll over than be anywhere near my husband!