I find SD12 increasingly unpleasant

[ClaytonC]

… And I don’t know what I can do about it.

I’ve known these kids for eight years. I’ve always gelled with SD13 (sweet, creative, slightly awkward) and SS9 (funny, sporty, loving). SD12 has always been the one I’ve had the least in common with. She’s extroverted, dominant and wants to have her own way.

AIBU: I should make more of an effort to bond with her
AINBU: it’s okay not to like everyone, just remain polite and keep distance when possible

So you got together with her father when she was 4?

Yes?

I assume you are married to the dad and yuu live with these kids at least some of the time. (Just checking as people use the term "step" sometimes when they aren't married).

If this is the case, I think it behoves you to try to have as positive a relationship as you can with this kid. Whatever your secret thoughts, you need to conceal the fact that you don't actually like her.

I think there’s some distance between “you can’t like everyone” and “I dislike one of the three children I live with”. This isn’t a work colleague you don’t gel with, it’s a young girl who, unlike you, didn’t get a choice about having to share her home with you. It really is up to you to make the effort to improve the relationship.

I’m a teacher, and although of course it’s in no way the same, I have occasionally had a child in my class whom I’ve struggled to warm to. What I do in that situation is to spend time actively engaging with that child and generating positive interactions, until I find some common ground to build a rapport with. I think that’s what I would try to do in your situation, while also making sure that you get plenty of breaks from all the kids, and that your DH is doing the hard yards on parenting his kids, so you don’t get burnt out and resentful (which won’t help the relationships).

The kids are going to be arses sometimes as they head into the teenage years. It’s going to be especially trying for you because they aren’t yours, so I would be doing everything possible to build friendly bonds with them now.

Yabu shes your stepdaughter not a colleague or a neighbour who you distance yourself from. You are the adult you need to make the effort. Im sure there is something you can do together to bond over. Cinema trip, nail appointment, going out for lunch, swimming, a museum, baking, arts and crafts, gaming, horse riding. Talk to her and see if there is something she fancies doing together.

If you are not as keen on DD12 as the others, she will be picking up on it and the situation will just become more entrenched.

So, I agree with @sprigatito, that difficult as it may be for you, just try to engage with her more.

I hear what you’re saying but her behaviour is getting worse (in my opinion) and I’m finding it increasingly hard to be around.

Some examples:

1. She messages DH and my family members asking for money. When they say no, she’ll ignore them
2. whenever DH and I disagree, even on something minor like what to make for dinner, she has to insert herself into the conversation to tell me I’m wrong and he’s right
3. She hounds DH for attention to the extent that the others don’t get a look in. If they sit next to him, she’ll sit on his lap. I can’t even hold his hand without her intervening. Yet when she’s at her mum’s, she leaves him on read
4. We sometimes have family movie nights (no pressure if you’d rather read or be in your room instead). If she hasn’t picked the film, she’ll talk through it until it’s ruined for everyone
5. If she gets told off, she cries and is melodramatic until she’s getting comfort and attention. The reason she was told off is forgotten about

I’ve tried to build bonds with her and she’s not interested unless it’s something that means me spending lots of money and excludes her siblings. If I suggest something like cinema with her, she’ll openly say she’d rather have the cash, or that I should take her siblings instead (so she can be with her dad).

That’s her childhood. Try a bit harder. Dear god.

Honestly, most of this sounds like a) trying but typical teenage girl behaviour, exacerbated by b) heightened insecurity and clinginess due to the split family and living between two households. It’s a tricky age and I’m not belittling how tough it is for you, but you’re the adult and the onus is on you to work at building a better relationship. Your DH needs to be disciplining poor behaviour and enforcing boundaries, but nothing you describe sounds outside the norm for a blended family with older kids.

I don’t think that sounds like typical teenage girl behaviour at all, it’s outrageous behaviour.

That sounds really difficult and very hurtful behaviours designed to push your buttons emotionally. It would upset me deeply too. Have you discussed it with your husband? I think you'll have to take the high road and just try not to react or let it hurt you if you can, she's doing this because she is insecure and trying to take control. I would also engineer at least weekly some time just you and your husband, and also continue to model kindness and fairness. Try to treat the larger behaviours and problems, and ignore the secondary behaviours that stem from the insecurity as they are always going to happen.

It's clear that shared boundaries are needed. Is your husband on board? It sounds like he isn't? Ignoring people is up to her. She's messaging members of your family? Can you agree clear rules on money for DH you and your family. DH needs to tell her her opinion isn't needed in that kind of conversation. He needs to set some boundaries around her hogging his attention. She needs to be told if she talks she'll need to leave the room. Consistent boundaries are needed where you are a united front. You can both be empathetic if she's sad. DH needs 1-1 time with her. You can keep offering. Essentially focus on what you can control which is how you react to her behaviour. There are certain things you can't control like her leaving things on read but how that makes people feel can be explained to her kindly. Teenagers are known for being very self centered so you'll need to model how a grown up acts and hopefully she'll grow up eventually.

She sounds ghastly, and is openly competing with you for her father’s attention in a creepy way. Sitting on her father’s lap, not letting you guys hold hands, putting you down - that’s outrageous. If her father isn’t strongly shutting this down, you should leave the whole ghastly lot of them.

Was she affected by the breakdown of her family? You were with her dad when the youngest was one, that's a lot of change for them girls.
She sounds troubled and looking for attention. Teenage years are bloody hard. Give her space and let her spend time with her dad one on one. Hopefully, it'll get better.

Own your feelings op.
Some people (ime) at times don't particularly like their biological dc!!
Can you find 1 common ground? Favourite tea?
Fav program /film /song? From her point of view she can't feel totally sidelined from having anything in common with you.. When I was a sm me and dsd had a favourite song. Wasn't really mine but she felt pleased it was so that was OK with me...

You got together with the dad when the youngest child was only 1.

Do you have any joint DC? Has mum had any more DC?

Unhinged response

This exactly. I find myself increasingly shocked by these responses. Truly truly shocked.

Also.. who says “ghastly”.. who are you Enid Blyton?

Nothing more creepier than a woman in competition with her SD 🤢

How often does your DH see his DC? And do they all get one-on-one time with him?

It’s clear that your DSC12 is desperate for his attention, but also that this may be pushing his other two DC out of the way and in turn they may react in a similar way.

If, for example, your DSC only stay every other weekend, it may be that they just really want more time with their dad and by giving them (all of them) more bonding time, DSC12 will settle down a bit.

Obv if he sees them 50% of the time or more, you probably can’t increase the time he has with them (as I’m assuming mum wants at least 50%).

It sounds like the problem here is not with your step daughter (although it’s completely understandable why you’d find these behaviours extremely trying), but with your DH. These sound like boundary and attachment issues, and ultimately it’s his responsibility as a parent and your partner to make sure that a) she’s getting enough reassurance, attention and one to one time, and b) that he puts boundaries in place that mean that his relationship with you and with his other children isn’t overrun by his daughter’s attachment issues.

If he keeps letting this slide then it’s inevitably going to build resentment towards his daughter from all the family members impacted by her behaviour, and this is extremely unfair to her.

Are you able to talk to him about the issues and ask him to both give his daughter stricter boundaries but also ensure that she feels safe and settled and that she has the time she needs with her dad?

She sounds pretty unhappy. Can't your DH reassure her? She obviously feels she doesn't get attention from him/is unloved etc. She likely just needs reassurance from her Dad

Poor kid.

I find your post rather sad. You met your partner when his youngest was just 1 years old and his middle child only 4. My youngest is 4. It's completely understandable that she feels insecure. As for not liking her all that much my own mum openly admits she didn't like me much either between age 12-15. I talked back and thought I knew it all. By 15/16 I'd come out of the other side of it. She persevered with me, always loving but had firm boundaries and I was absolutely called out on poor behaviour. It must be harder when the child isn't your own but you have known her since she was a little girl so I would hope some affection os there.

I think it is important to have boundaries re behaviour and manners as it is everyone's home and I would expect your partner to be on board and actively enforcing this.I do not think being polite but withdrawn is the answer.

What does your husband do when she is rude or interrupts?