To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

To be honest if your friend was ok with you being an escort, why wouldn't she be o.k with her BF using your services previously?

If you were my friend, I'd expect you to tell me, tbh, OP.

I agree and said the same in a pp about repeat offenders. My response was to the poster who was caught up in the 'lack of ethics' of it all.

Why are people assuming OP is judging him for using sex workers? I think most women would want to know if their partner had slept with their friend or used escorts. Naturally, this puts OP in an awkward position because if she doesn’t say anything and he tells her friend then it may harm or end the friendship.

People saying that because OP’s friend is okay with her being an escort then she won’t have an issue with her boyfriend being a client are deluded. I wouldn’t care if a friend of mine used to do sex work (I’m not pro sex work at all, but I wouldn’t judge someone for being a sex worker), but I wouldn’t be happy to find out my partner was a past client.

What does that mean?

Not an option, I wouldn’t have his contact details even if I wanted to.

think most women would want to know if their partner had slept with their friend or used escorts.

The escort bit does play a part though because if my friend had slept with my boyfriend years ago as a one night stand I think I wouldn’t care about knowing…

No it's not a red herring. If he has sex with prostitutes, he is far more likely to have an STD.

I would want to know if I were the friend.

Oh god i would want to know so I think you should tell her. Imagine if they got married and you were invited, how awkward would that be. I'd rather be upfront and honest from the start.

I understand the moral dilemma- if no money had changed hands, and you’d just met him and had a one night stand as two single people, you’d still feel the moral dilemma once you realised your friend was dating as to if you said anything or not.

I think you should say. Secrets kill friendships.

Gosh, if I was your friend I would appreciate you telling me. I would be devastated if I found out and it wasn't through you.

Secrets kill friendships

So does exposing them unfortunately

I’d want to know that my partner had slept with my friend and paid for it. It’s a big thing, imo.

I’m in my thirties. Anyone I dated will be similar age, and will have a past. I don’t actually care who they slept with, as long as it wasn’t a prostitute.

Even in high school, my boyfriend had slept with my friend before we dated. There weren’t many of us at my school so that was bound to happen! I didn’t care then when I knew about it. I wouldn’t care now if a friend had slept with my now boyfriend a decade ago. We’re all adults.

You don't think warning her friend that the her boyfriend used/uses prostitutes is more important than her client confidentiality to the sleazy boyfriend? How much did he pay for this loyalty and did she sign a confidentiality agreement?

If I were your friend (just speaking personally), I think I might struggle with dating a man who has paid for sexual services in the past, there's something about those men that I find a bit.. off? I'm possibly being very naive here lol.

That said, I’m not judging you at all for having been an escort. I just think it’s reasonable to consider that you don’t know how recently he may have paid for sex. From what I understand, sex workers are often among the safest partners because they tend to take protection and testing seriously. Still, it could be wise to ask him to get tested, since you can’t be sure that every encounter was fully safe. It’s less about judgment and more about the overall level/amount of sexual activity and potential risk.

You are missing the point of my comment (which wasn't addressed to you but OK)
I clearly argue that the friend should be informed regardless. People are focusing on sex work specifically but sex work doesn't matter. In any normal circumstances it would be absolutely the only way forward to tell a friend that you have met their boyfriend/dated them/had sex with them or whatnot. Doing anything else would just be weird.

But there are many people who would care, I wouldn’t date someone who had sex with one of my friends, whether it was a one night stand or not. You can’t assume everyone is going to be fine with it.

I’ve no idea if he saw/continued to see anyone other than me. We wouldn’t have slept together as I stopped those services by that point. Plenty of men saw me around that time because it fulfilled dom fetishes and had no interest in sex.

It's an open discussion. I couldn't give a shit if it was addressed to me or not.

I think the only part of this that matters is the sex work.

Adults date and have sex. Sometimes people crossover and you know each other. But it’s over, and you’ve moved. I didn’t care in high school, I don’t care in my thirties.

I would care very much about it being a prostitute because of what is says about the character of the person. But the OP can’t possibly have the same worry, as she doesn’t see sex work the way a lot of us see sex work. So, what’s her issue with it?

And the OP herself has said that her friend would have a problem with with his using prostitutes as she didn’t have a good opinion of OP’s customers… so we know this isn’t just a “I had sex with your boyfriend a few years ago” issue. It’s because OP knows her friend wouldn’t like the sex work aspect. But that very hypocritical of the OP to go telling on him because of that being the problem. Pot kettle black.

@OneQuirkyPanda Did you miss the use of “I”? yours isn’t the only valid viewpoint. Either way the truth will have far bigger ramifications because of the sex work.

So you tell your friend and he denies it . Does your friend know you were a sex worker? This is a huge can of worms. I would say nothing . What he has done is unsavoury but not illegal. Leave it in the past .

Ok... so why do you ask the OP why she needs to tell? She needs to tell because it's a perfectly normal thing to do. Just as you know about your school friend.

I'd keep quiet, it could destroy their relationship and your friendship. Least said soonest mended.