To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

I think they're possibly commenting on the double-standards or hypocrisy rather than the actual "morals"

The OP didn't say anything about the guy not being OK for her friend. She is simply asking if this information should be disclosed.

Tbh, I’d agree with this if the new woman were not a friend. I wouldn’t keep important information like this from a friend.

I know, that was my point.

Stay out of it.

God, such a hard one, damned if you do damned if you don't. I hope it works out whatever you choose to do.

I think I would just say "I actually slept with him a few years ago" and leave it at that.

No need to say he paid or what he liked, but she probably should know that her friend slept with her boyfriend, it will come out eventually and presumably you want to keep the friendship

Would you want him telling a new partner of yours that you were a sex worker? It's private information both ways round.

Things a lot of people are able to have/do anyway, with other jobs!

Would it be appropriate for you to be dating someone & one of their friends told them you were a former escort?

If I was your friend and I found out you knew this and didnt tell me, I think I'd find that harder than you telling me. Maybe tell her you've had sexual relations with him in the past and leave it to her to ask if she wants to know anymore than that.

Morals? But everyone has a different take on what the 'moral' thing to do is. Some women will think she absolutely should tell her friend, and if they were the friend they'd want to know. It's one of those 'can't do good for doing bad' type situations, whatever OP does end up doing, someone will always think she should have done the opposite. She's clearly trying to do the best by her friend, and bashing her around the ears with 'morals' is unhelpful.

OP I have to admit I'd be very conflicted, as you are. On balance I'd probably leave well alone. It's horrible knowing something someone else doesn't, and it's natural for that to feel wrong, as you are trying to do the best for your friend. However, I don't think that the knowledge is going to benefit her. If the man was decent and never showed disrespect or worrying behaviours, then I don't think your obligated to tell her and you can keep this to yourself as part of your (and his) private life that doesn't have to be divulged.

Watch him like a hawk obvs - you might know the signs if he's got somethong to hide.

But if there is no morality issue then what is the need to tell your friend?
If paying for sex is totally fine and dandy, then why do you think your friend needs to know?

I think it’s a tough one because if we judge him then that’s judging you.

Plus you will likely lose your friend by telling.

@Frienddilem
Do you tell all the men you date or have a relationship with that you used to have sex in exchange for payment?

If paying for sex is totally fine and dandy, then why do you think your friend needs to know?

The OP seems to be saying it’s wrong to pay for it but ok to sell it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So... why do you feel the moral obligation you claimed? The answer to that gives you the answer to your dilemma.

So?
As long as OP is happy with her choices, WTF has it got to do with anyone else?

I think you should tell her. My first instinct was stay out of it, but if I was in her shoes i would want to know. She can choose then what to do with the information she has.

I’ve got no issue with your previous line of work. You chose to do it, nothing to do with me.

But, you can’t claim the moral high ground.

When you say escort do you mean escort or prostitution. If you just went to posh do's with him as his plus one for work/social purposes why not tell? If you were having sex for money then you probably should tell as he may well still be using prostitutes.

If I were her, I'd want to know. And it would end the relationship. If I found out later, then I would end the friendship as well - I would not appreciate the concealment of that information.

This

Could he not claim that you are breaching GDPR and report you. Very very unlikely but still.

I would tell her, she may want to know her boyfriend uses women as a commodity.

She may also blame you later down the line.

Apart from anything else, it would be awkward having to spend time with him in future, unless you think you can easily you don’t recognise and that he won’t recognise you.

But I think given you met a few times, he would remember you too.